i have to make it to the doctor somehow an it is an hour drive there, usually a three hour ordeal all together. i am so sick of this boring health shit. i really am a free spirit and a traveler at times and now i have to just deal with my limitations. i am sick of it, i don't think meds help my health. i think they are too toxic. i also have leaky mercury fillings which i am sure are not helping either. i think it is worse than my smoking. i need to quit that tho, but some act like that is all i have to do...

it rained and that is always nice but i was homebound. we need groceries and got a certificate to one store. but i could not go and j is not real sure about how to get there. i am not up to it. we have a little food here. but we have chocolate. now that is nice but if i do sugar and no real food, my hypoglycemia will get real bad. so. i need to shop.

just all weak and hurting all over today, sort of wishing i had opiates but they block me up and i just usew them for endometriosis. yeah i can go through the alphabet with all my disoreders. let's see...no i tried, it is appalling, i will spare you.

i somehow get ptsd and bipolar affecting the body a lot. ptsd can really do that to some people. i think it can kill. i think it may be a deadly illness. well so is bipolar. of course both with the suicide issues. but i mean just sitting here. i feel this could kill just by breaking the body down with stress. then meds kill too. they do not have statistics for that yet. i am scared. i am scared about being in a dark age of psychiatry and their not yet having their shit together and how we are lacking research and understanding, i am just tired. i wish i could sleep for a couple days straight really. i could so much enjoy that. i sleep three hours at a time generally.

i am downloading a lot of music. i am lving it. i never did that much before and am now really enjoying that.

i enjoy what i can. i am very achey today. i am melancholy too. too much leonard cohen maybe. i love him tho.