I am bipolar among other things, and I'm sure that my mom is as well, but I don't think she'd ever admit it. I remember when I was young- in grade school, my mother getting frustrated with me and going into a screaming crying tirade- it always ended with her leaving in the car. For a while I cried, I was deserted. But it didn't take me long to numb myself to the effects of these episodes. Soon, whenever she would leave I wished that she wouldn't come back. I had always been a solitary child to begin with. An only child, shy, a bit strange I suppose. My few interactions with other children my age were usually with my cousins, but that was rare. I've always felt alone. I've always been alone. We all are, really. I suppose that day I stopped missing my mom when she left, I sort of lost that link with humanity that makes me really care about someone's presence or absence. Later in my life, right before I got out of high school, my mom told me that she used to be afraid of me being kidnapped but that her fears had then become that I would just walk away one day. Leave it all, everyone- anyone I knew, and just be somewhere else. Cut all ties. And I agree that she is probably right and her fears are certainly not unfounded. I admit, I have thought about it many times. Before and after my mom confided in me. It's still a topic that comes up to this day. Every time I move somewhere, I am asked if I will stay- meaning 'am I going to keep in touch or just walk off the edge of the earth somewhere. I've always gone along and said yes, I would stay, even if I wasn't sure. I've stayed so far. But the question was recently posed to me again. Again, I answered 'yes'. But when the word came out of my mouth this last time, it felt like an outright lie. What am I supposed to say? "Please forgive me if I disappear"? I am at this point in my life where I so badly want to, more so than ever. And I know this all seems cold. How can I leave my family and friends behind without leaving a trace? Anyone would be justified in asking me that question. The only way I can explain it is to just say it is in my head, it is destined to be this way. I can't shake the thought. The funny thing is, I have all these plans. Oh, I'm an artist, I'm a writer, I'm this or that. I want to have an art business, I want to change the world. But I also want to be a nobody. When it comes down to the end, I just want to be found dead in a ditch somewhere or something and have no one in the world give a shit. I want to be buried in an unmarked grave, or thrown out in the woods for the animals to eat. The only thing with that idea is well two things a) I don't think that's legal, and b) humans consume a lot of things that really make their meat a bit unhealthy for animals to eat and it could contaminate water systems and things. I've always felt like a transient. Not only having a transient lifestyle but just feeling it in my bones. I have the mind and the soul that never want to sit still. And always living with the dualities. It eats away at me every day. I want to have my works well recognized and have a great impact on the world yet I don't want to be famous. I am always restless, yet I crave stability and then reject it when a piece comes along. I want to live a long time and get a lot of things done, yet I think about suicide daily. I love my friends and sure my family too, and I draw energy from other people- but I usually find myself opting to be alone and searching for a way out. I love nature and being out, but I'm afraid to walk out the door most times. I want people to appreciate my art, my writing, and my poetry along with anything else I may do- but may the gods help you if you give me overwhelming praise- I'll cut you down in less than a minute. And for what? I don't know. I am a strong romantic, but I am afraid of the "L" word. And not lesbian, I'm fine with being gay. I'm talking about the big "L" bomb. I'm afraid to let anyone love me partly because I am sure I will end up letting them down in some way. And I don't want to let anyone down that I do love, but I am always thinking of turning my back on them and walking out of their lives. I just...don't get along with myself. I guess that's the major problem for everyone, right? Well so anyhow, this is my first blog on here and I'm going to finish it up. I've been meaning to get on this site and blog for a long time now to vent and perhaps talk to kindred spirits. I also happen to know the creator of this site and she is a very kind person. I want to commend her publicly- and I hope she isn't like me and will get offended at this- for she has really turned around, gotten out there, and started doing it. And that's what we all need to do.