I am feeling frustrated with the world right now -- its demands and expectations. 

Really, any kind of adjustment is rough.  Yet, at the same time, I crave changes.  I think a bit part of my problems with adjustments or transitions is this idea that they are going to be (semi)permanent.  It feels trapping.  Mondays are so hard.  I always feel silly talking about how hard Mondays are because who doesn't have a hard time getting back to work?  But lately, I feel like its not work -- its the switch from doing lots of things over the weekend for myself and people I love to doing lots of things on a schedule that is imposed for someone who I hope doesn't regret hiring me...  its the expectations; the demand of it.  I generally spend the first half of Mondays alone in front of my computer at work crying.  

For the holidays, the office shuts down for a full week, since my boss leaves town and it is just him and me here.  It was amazing.  I went to visit family.  My brother lives among some radical livers -- rebuilding homes from the inside to meet needs, creative income, totally oppositional living styles to what I'm doing -- no formulaic 9-5er. etc.

I think about how much I would love to live differently.  How wonderful it would be to be able to adjust my day to me, rather than adjust me to the day I have to do.  I know my brother works his butt off and has his own bills and such, but he is able to work 18 hours straight when he feels capable, and take a day off and bike around his city when thats his need.  He does construction work -- hands-on, beautiful contruction work.  Sometimes I think that is why he has grown so much in the past few years; because he works with his hands, gets out of his head sometimes, makes things based upon need.  I can't even get a list right for a work-project.  I can't seem to come into work without the fear that I'm going to hear about how I'm not doing things well enough.   

And I have these huge monthly bills for student loans.  A graduate mistake that  only gives me some letters after my name and a debt that frightens me into standard living.  I feel like, if it weren't for the debt, I might actually be able to adjust my life in ways that right now I feel I can't.

It really helps just typing out my feelings about these things.  I have been trying to journal more, from time to time as it comes.  In treatment, I have realized that I only get worse if I don't try and express, even to myself, what I am feeling.  Even though it usually feels like pointless complaining about things "everyone else" can handle...

thanks for this space.