i sit here and wonder. how the hell did i get here? there is chatter in my ear. sometimes i cant quite figure out what they are saying. only bits and pieces. "you are a piece of shit!" oh yes, i can decipher that one. i had to go to dictionary.com to figure out how to spell decipher. i talked to my psychatirst yesterday. i asked him what he thinks about alternatives to meds. he told me "just forget it. its stupid." i pondered his reaction for awhile, only to come to the conclusion that alternative meds threatens his security as a doctor. he knows how to say "take this medication, and this one, and this one too and you will be ok." but am i ok? no. my neighbor and i will often laugh at the amount of meds i take. four pills in the morning, and 9 at night. i say to my doctor "im having trouble sleeping". he replies "here, take some ambien". i tell him that i am in recovery and ambien has shown to be addictive. "dont worry about it, just take it." he says. does he care about my well being? we often chat about his dogs and my cat. we talk about how he used to be a hippie back in the day. what happened? why did he turn into a drug dealer of psychiatric meds? i do not dare ask this question, though.

i keep telling him that i still hear voices even with the medication. sure they are a bit more mild than before, but what price do i have to pay? monthly blood draws to make sure my white blood cell count are ok. this drug could single handedly kill me, but i continue to take it because im terrified of what my doctor would do if i just stopped. he often likes to remind me that "you have been on every anti-psychotic. this is our last resort. if it helps a bit, its better than not at all." and lets not forget the weight gain. three out of the four medications i take have that side effect. no wonder im fucking depressed. i walk everywhere, try to go to the gym, often with no success.

i have been on meds for approximately 8 years. i feel as though i am trapped. trapped into the "mental health institution." i take my meds every day, like i am supposed to. i am a good consumer. i do what i am told and dont argue. i am on disabilty thanks to my "disorder". i see my psychiatrist once every month. i am a good consumer. i am a good consumer. i am a good consumer.

im ready to fight back.