The past few nights I've had some weird dreams. I've been sleeping long and hard and it feels good. I can't remember dreaming like this in a LONG time, sexual dreams, fun dreams, and now stress dreams.

I woke up from a dream where it seemed like my whole growing up life was condensed into one situation which caused me to have a breakdown/panic attack in my dream. I could barely breathe and that's what woke me up.

Today was the first time when I woke up relieved to be living my current life. To have the first thought not be "fuuuck, still here?". And as I woke up nice and slowly with the sun shining on my face and a purry cat on my hip, I realized that I am living the life that I would've *loved* to have at 15. That I created everything to work for me, and it mostly does.

And I realized that my new situation is something I've jumped into like a life raft to prove to everyone that "I'm okay", but that I don't have to stick with it if it doesn't work for me...I can create something else.

Last night I read a snippet of an Abraham book with a Q&A section at the end. The question was about how a mother can get her head-strong 5 y.o. to obey. (Jesus, I was that 5 year old.) And the answer was that the kid is okay and is following his own guidance, so get out of the kid's way and deal with your uncomfortable feelings around non-conforming. Abraham explained socialization (something) like this: we live in a society where it is normal that everyone limps along - if someone doesn't limp naturally then society demands the limp and even goes so far as to take a baseball bat to a healthy knee to cause a limp.

I wasn't born with a limp. It took a lot of blows to get me to limp. I don't have a permanent limp, I just walk this way almost all of the time because I don't want to get hit again. My knees constantly ache from walking this way and I'm sick of it.