well, this is me i guess. i don't know much to say on this blog except for i am who i am and refuse to be anything else...if people have a problem with me let me know because i don't want to upset anyone on here although everyone on here has been so supportive...more than i ever get from everyone around me. but really be honest if i offend anyone on here because i do have some severe social issues and don't know how to speak to people anymore...literally...lol

umm...here's a little about me.

i am...well...let's just leave that at too young and headed for AA with the way i drink.

i do smoke but only to calm myself down and maybe a pack a week, nothing major there. no drugs and i don't deal although i did sell gummy worms at high prices in kindergarden. =P

i was in an accident involving a kitchen knife when i was younger but that will bring into account my father and then i would go on about how much of a non accident it really was...anyway i really can't speak in real life now...my ruptured vocal cords long to sing again...sadly i never will... the scars are hideous...but freedom was worth pain, even if reason says i should have died by now.

speaking of scars...i am very very....experienced let's say...with self mutilation...cutting doesn't hurt anymore...so i resort to other things...i'll leave that to your imagination to decide...

now that i have time to edit this blog i guess i can add a little more...

inside i feel as though there is something trying to get out...it may be a good thing it may be a bad thing i don't know but whatever this thing is, it's tearing me apart on the way out...like child birth but more emotional for those of you who have experienced this miracle. god i want kids someday.

there's another topic to speak on...about seven years ago now i was abused very badly by six men...three of them are now dead...one is on death row for other criminal charges...i still have contact with him...and the other two i havn't seen since they hurt me...i really wish i could have known those rapist sons of bitches's names...but i probably never will...you will know TRUE pain when something happens to you like that...once again, your imagination will know.

the last, most traumatizing part of my life most people may know is suicide...i have been there quite a number of times but i never really went THERE...however, my friend did...on my answering machine. it took five messages while i wasn't home...

the first was: hey...answer your phone

second: where are you at?

the third was: look i really need you to answer your phone...please?

the fourth was him apolagizing over and over again and crying saying please...

and the fifth was: see you there...and them a gunshot...his mother screamed what was that, came running up the stairs and she screamed...the phone cut off...

i have never beent he same since then, no one ever would be i presume...i was out that weekend with some friends and my grandma wasn't home at all...it's a wicked guilt trip that you have to deal with when you not only think BUT KNOW that if you would have answered the fucking phone your friend would be there with you still...maybe he's happy now...i don't know...but after that...you could not imagine how good that gun felt against my temple...and that razor on my wrists...

to get to the point...i made this blog to ask for some sort of insight on my life and how to deal with it other than occasional weed and cigs and drinks...(oh and yes i know i said that i wasn't on drugs but i really don't consider it a drug...N.O.R.M.L...check us out) i really do need help with my problems becuase the scars grow on me as life goes on...i would rather get along as is and try to...not forget the past...but maybe numb the pain that the past brings...i know weed does...but i would rather stop that...it's a bad habit...especially for someone as young as i am...

i really don't know...reply if you want to...in the end...it's ok...so many faces pass...only a few look my way...

signed...me...i guess