I am exhausted right now. Despite really wanting to finish out my time at work I just couldn't go back. I really tried. I was crying all night last night. I was still gonna wake up and go and then I just decided enough is enough. I turned off my cell phone (which usually has my alarm) and just went to sleep. It took hours of crying. Hours of trying...it was 5 am and I was supposed to be at work at like 8am. I didn't get to sleep until 2pm. Then I slept for a couple of hours and woke up....I didn't want to just not go back. I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

These melt downs have a whole different quality to them. It feels like they will never end and like I will never come out of them and resemble any sort of normal existence. I'm such a joke. I can't even finish it out like I am supposed to. I wanted to be able to. I really did. I just couldn't. Every time I walk in there I am terrified. The girls scream at me and it scares me. It brings me right back. I couldn't stand one more minute there.

Now I am supposed to be focusing on self care and I don't even know what that means.

The truth is, i'm mad at my teacher. I'm mad at her because when I REALLY needed her when I REALLY REALLY needed her she wasn't there. She said she'd be there and she wasn't. She was there for another student when she needed her. She could be there for her. But for me....she didn't even call me back. She didn't even ASK if I was ok. She blew me off. She never even offered. I REALLY needed her. Even the people at work were there. I can't trust or rely on her for anything anymore. And I'm not fond of this other girl who was low enough to sleep with me when I was drunk and crying. She knew I was in no place to make that decision.

Then she had the nerve to leave me as a friend. To pretend like it was me who betrayed her. She betrayed me. And this teacher took her in and helped her and wouldn't do the same for me when I really needed her.

There's a part of me that REALLY wants nothing to do with her. Yet I love her. So I can't, I won't abandon her as my friend. I care about her. And I'm not stupid enough to think I'm entitled to her friendship or love. Why should I be any different than every other person in the psych ward who has no one to be there when they need a friend? I shouldn't. I don't deserve love or respect. Certainly not anymore than the next person. I know that. I'm not stupid enough to think I do. But she was there for her when she needed her and she wasn't there for me. I would be there for her in a heart beat if she needed me. No question. I would be there.

I just want people to do what they say they will do. Don't tell me something if you don't plan on following through. Don't tell me you'll be there and not be there. I know people are human. But how am I ever supposed to trust anyone?

Whatever.