I'm right back to this feeling of being sort of uncomfortable in my own skin. But less to do with my physical body. I'm just kind of down. I guess I feel like I don't have people to talk to that are getting what's going on in my head.

Thing one. My ex. I've been thinking about him since I saw him on Saturday. I've been thinking about having sex with him, but also just kissing and being in bed together, naked. And it's actually an image of me, as I am now, rather than this person I was when we were together. The facilitator from group today seemed to think that I should go for it. But a person from group thought it was a really big mistake. I think I'm going to see him again soon and see how it is just being there with him. Then I can tell him if I'm still thinking about him. The theories in group seemed to be centered on the fact that I'm leaving and looking for closure. That doesn't quite ring true for me. It wouldn't be closure to have sex with him again. Well, maybe it is closure. Closure of the emotional changes I've made in the past year or so. Reassurance that I can still have sex and be emotionally stable. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.

And I really do want him. I'm even thinking about giving him a blowjob. Fantasizing about it. Last time I felt attracted to him I was sure that wasn't on the menu and I was a little annoyed that I hadn't slept with anyone else and I was going back to him. But none of that bothers me now. I just want to be with him. I care about him, and I think it could be fun. And maybe I want to remember what it's like to be really into someone. Fuck, yes, if I still feel this way the next time I see him, I'm going to tell him I want to have sex again.

Thing two is tangentially related. I'm thinking about this breast surgery. Reduction. So having sex is a good check-in on how I feel about them in that context. And some more books are coming in the mail.

I've got to get on a bus, but I'll resume blogging from there. This is seriously helping, as usual.