I am honestly shocked at the reception i've gotten here. i honestly thought i would basicly be talking to myself in public, instead i've gotten ever pleasant responses. this is such a pleasant surprise.

while my meds are doing a fantastic job and keeping me relatively stable, it is my job that is pushing me towards a breakdown. however, soon i hear about grad school, and things will be resolved in some manner. however, until then, work is eroding my sanity, brining back old things...

what i have noticed about the meds is the difference in general feeling of sadness, depression, etc. while the thoughts do come on occasion, they don't overwhelm me anymore, they seem much smaller in scale. In recent years i was able to seperate the depression from my actual self, which was rather helpful in keeping focus. I saw it as a separate thing that altered my perceptions, and that i could not let it control me. while useful, this did not actually help relieve the constant strain. Eventually i would collapse, and while i could see it wasn't... for lack of a better term, true, i still could not keep myself from succumbing to it.

the meds stopped this. the depression was quieter, smaller, and less frequent. however this led to a new and disturbing realization. i have had suicidal thoughts, tendencies, and plans since i was 12. They came and went, but they were always lurking about. This ideas had been very slowly solidifying over the last few years, and were becoming actual thought out plots. I was researching specifically what drug interactions would and would not kill you, i kept a few prescription anti-nausea pills, just in case. i thought they just came with the depression, or the frightening height of the manic. however, when i started taking the lamictal, the depression faded, the manic lessened, and all that was left was a very clear, strong desire to die. It was so clear, i could see it in my mind, standing tall and alone amidst the vast expanse of wilting foes. i was so focused, i stopped thinking of the future, even the next week, the next day. i could not separate this, it was part of me. the vague thoughts of hurting friends and family were fading and losing their hold. i thought it was time to try something else. thus, welburtin.

what i found almost funny was that i told no one about this. you, in fact, are the first eyes to see such truths. my psychiatrist was changed abruptly, and the new drug happy woman seemed confused that i was only on one medication. she asked if i wanted anything else. i saw this as perfect timing, and i never once had to mention the actual need for it. i was terrified of telling any health professional, mental or otherwise, about the suicidal thoughts. my greatest conscious fear is being institutionalized against my will, and i fear that someone with a shiny PhD somewhere has the power to do that. even a nurse, an EMT, a receptionist, i fear they would tell a higher up, and i would be taken away, drugged, and covered in diagnoses and assumptions by people who know nothing about me, me locked in a room screaming at the window that i'm not crazy, knowing my life would never fully recover from this.

such is my greatest fear. i've had nightmares about such events.

i don't actually know if this is possible. i've heard there are state specific laws on such topics, but i think there is a general law of someone knowing a person is going to hurt themselves. i could be paranoid. i am an adult, i imagine locking me away would be difficult.

it is also my opinion that no friend, family member or in general, loved one, should be burdened with the knowledge of suicidal thoughts. i know that if one is suicidal, they should of course tell someone, seek help, etc. no one should die alone. however, it is terrifying to hear, perhaps lifelong trauma in that this person will always, *always*, somewhere keep the thought that maybe, someday, this person i love will die because i failed to help them. i do not wish to burden anyone i love with that responsibility.

this is obviously a difficult stance. of course, the suicidal person should seek help in whatever manner they feel most comfortable with. i imagine this is simply my personal take on suicide, from the perspective of the active participant.

to each their own.