I found this great website that goes into the origin of phrases. It helps a lot with understanding what people are trying to say. Here's the link: http://members.aol.com/MorelandC/HaveOriginsData.htm

Anyhow, I came upon the meaning of 'white elephant': "Something that is costly to obtain or maintain and provides little benefit or value." That is how I have felt since my teen years. I think that is also how I have been perceived by many.

I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand I feel like I owe back to society. I should do more to offer a hand up to others. This is where I want to focus my goals, but I'm not really there yet. I think some might think I'm just making excuses, that I could have been giving back for many years now. On the other hand sometimes I feel like maybe I gave in ways that weren't as perceptible. But neither do I want to kid myself that my shit smells like roses. I kind of feel like it is my obligation to help other 'white elephants' somehow.

I suppose the first step is to become able to care for myself. It seems so daunting, but I must believe that it can be done. Possibly that is the wrong supposition, but that is where I am at now.