sick and manic. yay. well manic enough...not euphorically so, but agitatedly so and unable to sleep, and still feeling the sick, not able to rise above it, not that kind of mania. i love those manias where you feel super strong and healthy. i was standing on my head, doing flip flops a little the last super mega mania. but then sometimes limbs are broken. it happened to a friend.

why is christmas so hard. all my family is gone, well my sister is here but now i am all sick. it is in my ear too. my throat and ear. i hope i don't need antibiotics. i think garlic, real garlic works better than the pills. i am going to go back to smelling like it.

on the other hand, i am still feeling the glow of love. it is just very wonderful. i can't verbalize well about it sometimes. i am very happy in this respect. but i am just having that kalaidescopic mood thing going on i guess...many things at once. there is a deep sorrow too. i see too much still. i can't tune the future out. it is unclear but clear enough to hurt. i am not sure why.

my good friend is in a state he told me to tell him about when he gets in it again, and so i did and he got furious. he wanted me to participate in something i did not want to do and he just is very angry and yelling and it hurts a lot. i don't know what to do. i just am worried he will get in trouble. he has so often. i just am worried. i want to hope for the best. i am also hurt tho too. i know in another state he would not do that. i forget. i just don't know how to cope with this. i should be an expert with what i go through...

i am well enough to be bored and yet too sick to do anything about it. i am so messed up. and j is asleep. so i just am here online and my eyes hurt we were up all night but he got some sleep. i sleep one hour then i am wide awake. it is a very disturbed awakeness. i don't like it. i still blame effexor a lot. then well now i had cold meds too. they are no good but i was desperate to clear my head.