As winter sets in  and the temperature drops and the days grow increasingly shorter,

I find that in some wierd way the monotony of everyday life keeps me afloat. Having to get up and out of the house keeps me from self destructing in some ways, and when there is an unexpected rift in that montony  and i end up hanging out at home it can turn into bulimia hell, like yesterday.  I really should have gone to the library like I was planning to but I decide it was too cold and i wanted to snuggle under my blankets. Next time, hats, scarves and coffee.  Much better than bulimia and sitting around being counter productive. And work is good for that in  some ways, in a sort of keeping me busy way but I know that this isn't really the solution.

That busy work isn't going to solve things. Afterall, I'm a full time stripper, I dance 40 hours a week, monday through friday. And in some ways it's awesome, but I still manage not to be able to get things and projects done. I lose my motivation. Like the zine or the spoken word piece i'm supposed to be "working on". I just can't muster up the motivation. I think part of it is me being almost afraid of creative self expression, that I'm actually a shitty writer or that I'm being self indulgent. Almost the same thing goes for any endevour I undertake. My outlook needs to change, but I don't know how to change feeling this silly fear and guilt.

I went to bed at 10:30 p.m. last night and I just woke up and am still exhausted, not sleepy enough to sleep but barely awake enough to keep my eyes open.  I hope the caffeine/ whatever is in the yerba mate soon kicks in. I think I'm deppressed but don't notice it in some ways. I think I am that used to getting by on deppression.

So I'm keeping myself up with lots of yerba. And trying to stay productive. Really simple things are easy to forget about, like how I need to write in my journal or work on that thing about sex work for my zine, or how i need to sew my pants so they actally fit, or how i should go to the bank, or call my insurance .

damn it's only when i'm deppressed that i'm overwhelmed by things like calling my insurance ( i'm looking for a new therapist), or counting money ( 2000 dollars in ones anyone?).

oh and me, writing, with the intention of other people reading my shit....scary.  

scary to follow through with anyways.

 i'm gonna stop being a loser and suck it up.  It's always easier to get on with life when I am actually living it, as opposed to being a half dead zombie creature in any concievable free time that I have.

p.s. I wonder if I should consider the sugar daddy offer? It could make life hella easy once i move out of my dad's house (hopefully soon) and start school. 

i need to write a zine. really bad. time to brainstorm zine names. 

oh and also i just realize i'm feeling pretty darn lonely.