I am taking time away from therapy right now. I am aware that this is me avoiding my therapist hoping if I just put enough time and space between us she'll just eventually go away and I'll forget about it and her. I know this is the avoid part of the cycle of disorganized/ disoriented attachment. Lonliness- approach- terror- avoid- lonliness.....and on and on....

I'm in the avoid stage.

sometimes the "approach" stage can last a long time and can look like dependency but really it is just me prolonging the terror response and trying to avoid the "avoid" stage (which of course leads to more lonliness/ isolation) LOL!

It feels like a hopeless cycle I will never be able to pry myself free of.

Nobody is judging me for this response. Nobody is telling me I have to do it differently. Just that it won't even take away that longing for human connection. That that can NEVER be avoided or taken away. It is stronger than an organisim's need for food. Maybe that's a bad reference since I have anorexia!

The point is....avoiding won't lead to a healthy life. Only to a meaningless and empty existence. I know this....and maybe my standards aren't so high. Maybe i'm just happy to be off the streets ( and out of institutions), have a stable income and my basic safety needs met. Maybe beyond that, well....it's just wishful thinking. But still.... I don't think the longing will ever go away.