Any similarities to persons, places, things, events, past, present or future, throughout the universe, in perpetuity are purely coincidental.

 

Yes, I am a little paranoid. As far as I can tell everyone has good reason to be these days…

 

I am tired to the point of fatigue but my mind won’t shut off and allow me to sleep

 

So let me tell you a story

 

 

I am so different from ?7 years ago. Prior to that time I was in a slow decline to this state, getting a taste of what my future would be like with each of life’s troubles that I came across here are some highlights that come to mind.

 

Ya, looking back at the fragments I remember, I was a nut most of the time even as a kid, but my circumstances could easily account for most of it.

 

I joined the navy at 17.

 

I managed to get through four years in the navy- back when the commies were pointing nukes at us. I had a couple of bouts of depression that could be written off as circumstantial- my girlfriend 6 weeks pregnant when I returned after being away for 3 months, witnessing two deaths, several maimings, shitty duty ect. The nutty incidents that I had didn’t get me in too much trouble, one was even life threatening – a visual hallucination on the flight deck, but that was written off as inattention and I was kicked off the deck for 24 hours, hell even I attributed it to fatigue.  

When I got out (honorably discharged) I had to get my congressman to lean on the navy to get my GI bill educational benefits. I was so idealistic I thought that law enforcement would be a way for me to make the world a better place. That was back when (according to my professors) “DWI check points” and stops without probable cause ect ect were unconstitutional… “they get away with it in Canada because Canadians are subjects of the crown, where we are citizens protected by the constitution and bill of rights.” Hey, I remember that, how did that oath I took on enlisting go : “- to support and defend the constitution of the united states from all enemies foreign and domestic.” However, we find the constitution is open for interpretation -how ever extreme, enemies remain so even after the reasons for them to be enemies is shown to be a lie and domestic enemies are over looked as long as they remain use full to those in a position to determine.

           

But I digress   

 

Ten credits short of my degree I got an internship with the local Sheriff’s dept. It started out well enough but once the other officers were comfortable in my presence I found reason to be disgusted by their attitudes, behavior, practices, corruption and dishonor in general. There was no question that dissent would be suppressed with all necessary force, death warrant if need be – a protesting officer (in a different city of the state) was in the small talk since his tragic death in a botched raid. The then lieutenant? who organized the raid and assigned him to point later became the chief of police, murdered his wife and committed suicide. So, I get a mcjob, cut back my classes to part time and only core classes while I try to decide on a new major. Simultaneously (I now realize) I was in a bout of depression and being irrational. I kicked my roommate out, the slob was a republinazi stoner who thought that I would not notice his closet grow operation. Don’t get me wrong I was a participant in the festivities, but I wasn’t about to run any risks unrewarded and certainly was not going to pick up after him. At the same time I let myself get distant from my girlfriend, she was too good for me and would leave me anyway. She hung on like a champion for about six months then let go… I am such a fool.

I eventually came around and wound up greasing the wheels at the poison factory, I bought a house moved my girlfriend and her two kids in. It was good for a while, then the twelve hour shifts, changes in policy, policy enforcement, working conditions, ect ect and the diametrical situation of my girlfriends wanting me to be daddy but only her way and when she wanted, wore me out. Looking back the closer she got to her degree the less attractive I became to her. I let it slide when she called her alcoholic, abusive, deadbeat dad, ex’s name in a moment of passion, but when she started to pick fights and throw derogatory unsupportable statements I told her she was welcome to leave. Shortly after a round of layoffs were called, they were looking to cut production staff by 3 on each sift, I and six others on my shift volunteered.

 Back to school and mcjobs, when my mom asked me to help her start a bookstore, open it, manage it and of course offer my house as collateral on the business loan. It looked great – the location was along a traffic chokepoint and footpath of the financially well off and tourists. The closest competition was at a minimum of a half hour away. It was a great year and a half. Unbeknownst to me mom had lent one of my sisters the down payment on her house- to be repaid in one year by refinance. Well the year went by and she claimed it was a gift. By the time a judgment came through it was awarded to the stores creditors. Ya, that put me in a funk but as far as reasons go it seems a good one.

I got a temp to hire job at another poison factory, I have a knack for making machines produce. The starting wage would be just enough to keep my house and the now second mortgage from the bookstore if I really tightened my financial belt. 90 days later I had run a production line that no one previously had managed to do in less than 9 months. The job is in the bag, but now the starting wage is 50 cents an hour less. Hmm it was cutting close before, can I cut another grand out of my yearly budget? No, and I really don’t want to work for or encourage such employer shenanigans.   

Shortly after a woman who I dated just once hooked me up with a friend of hers. The new relationship pulled me out and probably saved mom too. As this wonderful woman offered to put my mom up with us! Unsolicited no shit! We had not been living together for more than a month or so, and boom! I would not recommend this, and wondered if this was a considered offer, told her that it was very nice of her and that she should think it over some – I wouldn’t hold it against her to rescind on further consideration. Six months rent free and mom was back on her feet. It did get a little trying but came off well. While we where together I finished my AAS and was all set to transfer all I needed was a major. This did a number on me for some reason. Nothing was worthy, let alone interesting or enjoyable.

Well, no rush, perhaps putting my shoulder to the wheel again will inspire me. Another poison factory, but hey I am a supervisor this time and due to tripling the number of production lines I get to select and train the entire new work force. Ahh this has some long term potential – and my manager is cool as hell, stoner, drinker, guns, fast cars, motorcycles, total gear head with white zombie blasting out of his office over the machinery noise, where resides the biggest poster I have ever seen of rob let alone anyone or anything else, and he has his shit in a bag- not just functional but moderate to his responsibilities.              

First it was the quality of hires – you get what you pay for. These machines are a bit complicated and something as simple as dusk/dawn or a draft can turn production to scrap. Ok so I had to be a bit of a dick to sort the wheat from the chaff- these guys had to be up for it, but once they could operate they would be valuable and I and the manager agreed to press for living wages. Should these guys survive 90 days with me they went to a day shift and hired on at $12 an hour with the top being 18. Only about a third made it, I didn’t reject anyone. Most dropped out, I guess they didn’t think it was worth it, of the others injuries and accidents took their toll. Yes it is a dangerous job. I mentioned safety before each sift, I gave clear instructions on how to do things safely. I repeatedly told them that if the weren’t sure, just ask and I will do it as a demonstration, I would stop them and point out when they or something was unsafe ect ect. I cut my fingers several times – shit happens but there were guys that practically hacked their arms off with box cutters when Kevlar arm guards were in their pocket. Burned themselves horribly immediately after I told them to stay put. Or got judo flipped and their shirt ripped off them by a winder doing 100 feet per minuet because they once again had their shirt un-tucked.  It seems kind of cruel to me now- take all comers for a shit wage and the only a chance at a decent one. Then let natural selection injure out the ones that aren’t up to the challenge the hazards present. Safer machinery exists, but these did meet the minimum standards. But all considered the folks that are capable just are not interested in $8 bucks an hour (5 after deductions), twelve hours a shift in 95 degree minimum temperatures at ground level, 120 or so up on the towers, where occasionally getting cut or burned is par for the course and a third more work is expected than in the rest of the industry.

Then the six new machines arrive. Hmm Chinese, well that’s not necessarily a bad thing. But then this isn’t just the first of them, it is all of them! These are a quarter of the size and output of the equipment that is in use. Sure it is literally triple, but not in out put. Just in workload, maintenance, breakdowns spares parts needed ect. Its like a bakery expanding its capacity with easy bake ovens. So we start setting them up, it turns out that I am the only one who knows Pythagoras’s theorem, the test runs where hell with everything crooked. About this time things were cooling off with my girlfriend, I am not sure but I think she may have been cheating on me, I was working way to many hours and when I wasn’t I was trying to rest and recover my back. I started to slide back into my depression.

I limped along until production was demanded of the new machines. WTF! And who is going to do this? Why the employees we currently have! As far as I can tell two operators can not be expected to run 9 machines – there are no more assistants maintenance other than electrical is to be done by operators- the injury rate has been horrendous all ready and the VP wants output.

I refused.

I expected to be fired. I wasn’t. My shift never ran more the three machines per operator. Other shifts tried and failed to run all nine. Rejects or damage equaled the out put of the extra machines run. Orders went unfilled and had to be supplied with a competitors product. Damaged machines less than six months old were cannibalized for parts. And now a major customer demands 15% off or they’ll cut their order in half, if they continue at all.

I have broken up with my girlfriend and moved out at this point, we are still friends but things are a bit awkward. I find myself just about as down as I have ever been. My back is killing me, the doctor prescribes advil. I get my check- hey its short by at least a hundred dollars! Lets add this up hmm looks like I am getting shorted an hour a day. Turns out everyone is no longer being paid for breaks and lunches.. breaks and lunches had been taken as we could and on the factory floor, you cant just flip the switch and take off. It takes 45 min. just to start the damn things up. And not watching them for a half hour is asking for trouble. I am assured that it will just have to do and if something kraps out when only one operator is present to just shut it down and that my rate of pay will be increased to make up the difference and that I am not to discuss the issue. Within a week one of the old higher capacity machines self destructed on another shift, during a lunch when the lone (rookie) operator was trying to fix a problem on another machine.

My back is still killing me, better make an appointment before it paralyzes me. What do you mean you don’t accept my insurance anymore? Turns out the plan was degraded – I need to find a doc that accepts this coverage. The employee meeting to address this issue isn’t until next week and no one has a list of providers who accept the new plan. So I go to the doc out of my own pocket $600 for more flippin advil that wasn’t cutting it and advice to take a couple of days off! Gee it’s Friday so at least I won’t be short any hours.

Monday I am asked to rank all operators including the other supervisors. Through the cloud of my pain and depression, I didn’t understand the request at first. Ya, that’s right it is a hit list. I put my name at the top and added that it was my 2 weeks notice.

I am now in free fall, I am plummeting to depths I had no fathom existed. I had contemplated suicide before and even made 2 unsuccessful attempts that for some reason had not permanently injured me.  I knew my fall would end there and that I would not fail.

It was such a relief

 

I am going to see if I can fall asleep

Nope not yet.   

 

            I am not sure what occurred in the next six or so months.

 

I moved back to the small town I grew up in lived on my savings, told my creditors

I would see them in hell when they jacked up my interest for cash withdrawals and declining amounts in my accounts with no deposits. I worked for a month and a half with out pay – the guy in the end said “you never worked for me, just try and prove that you did.” After having some problems with the apartment I rented the land lord offered to release me from the time left on my lease rather than solve the problem- in a small town where one property management company controls at least 90% of the rentals.

 

Now things get weird from here on out (as if they are not strange enough).

 I don’t know how this can be but -

            I moved out and the land lord reneged on waiving the remainder of the lease due to not receiving written notice – the receptionist recalled receiving it with my rent check and it was in the note portion of the check. She did however agree to meet me at the apartment the next day at 10am to inspect and get the keys. She showed up, with the maintenance man, received the key but refused to inspect the apartment until the lease was up or it had been abandoned…

 

Also / or

 

            I bought an old sears single shot shotgun at a pawn shop, 00 buckshot at the hardware store, went back to the apartment, grabbed a cast iron skillet from the kitchen, went to the bedroom laid down, set the skillet up against the head board, loaded one shell into the gun, cocked it, put it under my chin and blew my head off.

 

What really happened?

I don’t know

It doesn’t matter

I am now in my own personal hell

Or at least an unpleasant alternate existence.

 

That wasn’t the first time I have a memory of my death but it is the first at my own hands. Before I thought I was just overtired as I am now and just dreamed it while barely awake.

 

I ended up at my most recent ex girlfriends, I have never seen that wonderful woman so scared or concerned. She asked me to put on a pot of coffee and went to make a phone call. When I came back to the living room she handed me the phone, she had called the crisis line, I think that I said that it was too late the crisis is over but accepted an appointment. My ex seemed kind of creped out being haunted and all, so I called my mom she asked me to come over and she would see me after work. When I got to her condo here dog (a barky little Pomeranian) was mute and kept his distance but was fascinated by me and wouldn’t take his eyes off me.  

 

Two years or so of being a zombie by medication, having strange things happen even though medicated, never being happy, neutral at best if I felt anything at all, gathering reasons to mistrust doctors and doubt the ability of medical science. I had physical health problems misdiagnosed, but through tests and scans found that I now had some minor heart problems, an enlarged liver and perhaps some transitory inflammation of my pancreas. Now I had gained 80 pounds in twelve weeks. The first forty at six weeks I complained, my eating and exercise had not changed, it wasn’t water retention or edema. “You don’t look any heavier” perhaps you perception is off let’s double your dose of xxxx and try yyyy with it. Also see md whosits at the community health center for a physical exam. Well doctor whosits want to refer me to a nutritionist to deal with my weight problem. Six weeks later I stop off at the drugstore to try out a heavy duty scale, another forty pounds welcome to the 300+ club. The pdoc gave me instructions on how to wean off whatever I was on and some samples to start on after that. I got off what ever it was and didn’t go back.

 

Going to try and sleep again

Nope

The saga continues…

 

My head cleared up quite a bit when I got off meds, things were not any better but clearer I was still depressed, I might have been occasionally and briefly delusional, paranoid yada yada yada. Even though the depression is constant it’s severity fluctuates and hallucinations seem to happen less frequent and severe or have I gotten used to them? Either way they have reduced to annoying and distracting when they do occur.

 

I now wonder if the medications might have prevented healing like swabbing a wound with acid to keep the scabbing down. What if I could have just had a place to retreat in peace and relative comfort, a care giver helping me get through the day, night, hour, minuet. Perhaps saying “It may get better or worse, but either way it will change.” Not that I have any personal experience but, like a friend on standby in case of a bad trip.

 

Why did this happen to me? Was it caused? Was there a fracture that shattered under stress? Does it mater, regardless here I am. Now what should I do, can I do, want to do- besides go to sleep and never wake up.  

 

Living constantly wearing a 120 pound pack is exponentially worse than a forty pound one. I was used to the forty or its proportional equivalent. The only PT test I failed in the navy was the last one- I didn’t take it. I was strong and I was able to expend the extra energy required to keep up and pull more than my weight and share of whatever load. That’s probably the start of my back problems, sure I would have ended up with the same results anyway being over weight but that assuredly accelerated the process. As my head cleared from the unsafe and ineffective meds, my wonderful ex girlfriend asked me to be her swimming partner. I agreed and warned her that if I was having a bad day I wouldn’t go, so we started swimming three times a week, well she did, all I could do is just tread water and it was far more hit or miss than three times a week . Even that little and inconsistent amount increased my backs endurance and range of motion. It helped that the pool was indoors well heated and had an accompanying hot tub.

 

My mom had been taking care of my finances and official communication- intercepting my mail (bills ect) answering the phone getting the messages (weeding out telemarketers collectors ect) and one of my sisters if she was on a tare (BP manic?) After negotiating a new car deal 7k under msrp and scrutinizing the contract for her (which I demanded and got six revisions of the boiler plate) I was so drained and down for so long afterward that I found it best to just let her keep on. I think that removing stress and frustration has helped a lot and with my limited finances having such a helpful roommate was ideal. I am so grateful. I can rationalize that I should be happy about it – it should make positive in so many ways and when its gone I will feel the loss to the power of ten. But it cuts in two directions. I am dependant and that does a number on your ego and attractiveness.

 

I had been “swimming” for about a year and had gotten to the point that I could stand and walk through the grocery store with out sitting, I even managed to help a friend make a dump run with out being bed ridden for the effort. My evil grandma had been talking to my mom about needing in home assistance and finally flat out asked her to move to her house in a different state and take care her. After some negotiations plans were made, we sold, gave away or donated anything that we wouldn’t need. Condo, Second car, furniture, appliances, tools ect ect. No sense moving it if it was already at grandmas. We boxed up and shipped everything else and drove out.

           

Three days after our arrival grandma asked “so how long are you visiting for?”

She was obviously worse off than could be told over the phone. It was a bad scene grandma all of a sudden didn’t like me one bit. She would say mean things for no apparent reason try and provoke me- even started jabbing her finger in my chest one time this was not going to work we had no idea how to deal with her and I would become a big problem the next time I started losing touch. Mom started to look for a rental near by and I retreated to my room as much as possible.  Grandma started saying things that we blatantly untrue – how she didn’t need any help, how she took care of the house inside and out, how she could do her own shopping and drive herself where ever she needed to go.

 

We got out and mom would go over and do what she could during the day and a “helpful neighbor” started tag teaming to help grandma and give my mom a little respite. This helpful neighbor had no idea what was going on other than that old lady across the street needs help and the only one helping is her daughter. Well grandma told the neighbor some untruths that when she (the neighbor) believed out of hand caused a bunch of problems. Starting with referring a lawyer to grandma…..tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees and two years later,  it turns out that grandma has Alzheimer’s, dementia, and has had so many TIA’s (minnie strokes) that her brain is Swiss cheese. She or rather her conservator spends 20k a month on 24 hour in home care and other expenses and her guardian has relegated my mom her daughter to appointed visits only. Ya the lawyer in fulfilling grandmas wishes out spent my mom on lawyers fees – the more she protested the more grandmas lawyer made.

 

So here I am, the correspondence and calls from my friends has slowed to a trickle I haven’t left the house since thanksgiving, I am depressed, anxious, tense, fatigued, have no energy, my back hurts, I feel like shit, cant sleep cant turn my mind off and most likely in for a rough few days or week(s).

 

It might get better or worse, but it will change.                              

 

I‘ve been up 28 hours now. certainly I can get sleep now

 

Comments, questions and expound requests considered.