Submitted for your consideration.

SquirrelABC:  You said you "joined" this forum/website/blogsite (what is it, anyway?) in hopes of making cyber friends.  I just recently joined as well for the same reason.  I then noticed you posted a series of blogs and hardly got replies.  This upset me.

I wrote a lengthy entry under "Roll Call" that was more like a mini-bio.   I'd thought perhaps it should have been a blog in order to get more replies, but seeing you hardly got any, I wonder what is the best way to get feedback, nurturing, tenderness, and all that good stuff, from the people on this site who have "been there".

I thought, "Geez, people with emotional and/or mental problems sure are self-involved!"  Then I burst out laughing, because I am self-involved and selfish as well.  I wanted something from the members here.  But we are all in so much pain, and many of the members here have such rich, busy lives, and so much energy, they don't seem to have time to "help".

I even read someone saying he/she did not want advice.  I found that refreshing, but confusing.  I might not get good advice, but I do want advice.  I do want people to try to talk me out of my misery.  It makes me feel like someone cares.

I hope my "advice" or feedback doesn't offend you, if I can think of something to say!

I found that, for me, THE most painful event that can send me into a depressive episode, a tailspin from which it takes years to climb out, is when I go through a break-up.  I went through a break-up in 1992 and spent over TEN years pining for her.  Ten years!  I kept reenacting the break up, and beating myself up for what I did NOT do, what I did NOT say, that allowed us to break up.  I think it was equal parts low or no self-esteem, and over-glorification of my ex.  (But she was a very special lady, regardless.)

I marvel at how much you have in your life.  You have a job helping teens; you are in a counseling master's program; you have "awesome" roommates.  You even had the wherewithall (isn't that word a trip?) to join this website community.  In the middle of wanting to do yourself in, you are still living.  Even in the midst of your hopelessness, you still have hope!

I don't know how it is for you, but when I was younger and entered the dark matter of depression, I ALWAYS blamed myself for being depressed.  I blamed myself for not talking myself out of it, for not doing my laundry or cleaning my home, or for not painting or drawing.  (I'm a lousy artist, don't get me wrong.  But I have a very modest talent that, if I allow myself to "do it", it FEELS good, even if the products are tepid, at best.)

Oh my god, I'm writing a lot.  Hope this doesn't send you to the razor blades or the edge of a cliff!  If this bothers you, just let me know.

I am sorry you are an orphan.  The defining event of my life was when my father died when I was four years old.  I never realized the magnitude of it until I saw a therapist around age 31.  She told me I hadn't gotten over my father's death.  I was shocked, and thought she was insane!  I replied, "He's been dead 27 years!  What are you talking about?"

She proved to be right.  She wasn't a great therapist, but I learned a few things about myself from her.  I didn't learn how to cope, no coping skills here.  I always think of turning to drugs or booze to soothe myself.  But the lesson that I hadn't come to terms with my father's death, over time helped me understand me just a little bit better.

I am, however, virtually an orphan.  Dad's gone, and Mom has Alzheimer's.  She is on another plane of existence.  Nuff said.

I found that what helps me a little, but enough, when I fall into a black hole, is to hold myself, figuratively, and say, "Poor baby."  I tell myself to dwell IN it.  I remind myself--and this is the hardest part yet--that it WILL pass.  I remember doing things or going out, or making phone calls, anything that for me represents living and not being depressed.  It takes a while for me to remember that it will pass, but when I do, I just lie in bed, watch t.v., and wait it out, like a case of influenza.

Depressive episodes, for me, used to last YEARS.  Now they last weeks, and when I'm truly lucky, days.  Sadly, sometimes they last months.  But at least I know they pass.  I also know they'll return, but in the meantime, I can do my laundry, or go see one of my three (count them, THREE) friends, one of whom is so self-involved in his terror of getting ALS (his mother died of it) that he has no time to care for me.  Last time I visited him, a couple of weeks ago, it was raining and, when I asked him to lend me an umbrella (he has two), he said he couldn't.  Am I crazy?  That hurt my feelings like crazy.  I'd give you my last umbrella!

I was in the NYU master's program, did half the degree (30 credits), then dropped out.  I found I did not have the "right stuff" to help people.  I thought I would absorb their anguish and pain, and drive myself irreparably insane.  I took the "work" home with me, dwelt on their predicaments, and suffered great anxiety.  I think I did the right thing, but wish I had a degree in something.  I dropped out in '96, I think, and am still paying back student loans.  I pay such a low amount, the balance rises instead of dropping!

I don't know why, but I don't want you to give up.  I think I gave up to easily, too early.  I stopped going to the lesbian bars and clubs, disconnected from my lesbian friends, and convinced myself I was not worthy of finding a lover.  Now so many years have passed, I don't even know HOW to get back into the mix.  I don't dance any more, and I used to dance salsa, quite well, I might add.  I too old to go to clubs and bars, and too young to attend SAGE events.

Don't give up, but don't become me, either.  What'ya say?

Listen. I've been there. I've alienated all the friends I've ever had. But life doesn't stop there. You have to reach within yourself to find the self-love that DOES exist there, I promise it does, and you have to fully understand that even if no one else is around, and you feel that no one cares about you, YOU care about you, and that's the most important part. And that doesn't happen in a day. I've been working on it for over a year now. But I promise (and this is one thing "bipolar" people can feel lucky about), you WILL swing back up and you WILL get more energy and you WILL feel like your life is good again.