social diarrhea

Submitted by whimsicalice on Tue, 09/02/2008 - 6:12pm

i feel real ill and i don't know what it is. it could be stress.

the odds are all stacked against me. my big problem is my honesty. i applied for welfare again. that was terribly embarrassing. it is the second time i have tried to get assistance like that. the caseworker sat across from me and told me how it seems to be the people who lie that get everything. she also gave me her lunch. i broke down in that office, just like i did the last time i applied. i go in so optimistic feeling all hope-for-humanity and philanthropic but leave completely dysphoric.

for those of you who don't know i am a single mother (with usually none but sometimes little sporadic support from dad), a full time student, and a part time employee. my student debt is mounting and the real solution is for me to apply for grants and scholarships.

time bit me in the ass last year, i couldn't find time to apply for any scholarships. this year i MUST make time or i will never be able to get out of the financial hole i have to dig myself into in order to get an education. i am an A student, i might add.

so i was declined for the welfare because they have these income guidelines (which haven't changed since 1996, by the way) that say if two people make more than $400 a month they get no cash benefits. it doesn't matter that you are a student, working, single parent. the state does not want you to succeed, the state wants you to work a minimum wage job and barely scrape by so you don't have time for critical analysis; so you don't have time to object.

for most people the focus is really on the day to day, the month to month. will i be able to make rent this month? how come it is never enough? the welfare office just told me i am too rich to get the tiniest amount of temporary assistance, but by their own numbers i only have enough money to pay my rent and utilities. that's it, not a spare dollar really. if i did not have food stamps we wouldn't eat.

so i guess there is stress there. towards the end of the month the food stamps start to run out. that's when i start eating the tunafish right out of the can. food becomes this obsession i can't have. i end up eating not enough and then feeling disgusting when i do eat.

okay, yes i am distracted by the day to day. i am distracted by my own hunger, my own lack of energy and hoplessness. the only way i could feel slightly better would be to quit school and just work full time and tread water. thing is, i've done that. it's way worse. this way i am working towards something, i cannot keep my mind off of critical analysis. even though i am struggling i still can't help thinking about the genocide and racism perpetuated by the united states very own funding. i can't stop thinking about drilling for oil and how much it reminds me of a bloody rape.

we are such oil junkies. we use but we don't understand. we don't even know what this energy drug is. we have only theories, but we run away with them as though they are law. then we have the human laws of our country which are so far from scientific law as to be laughable. all other violence aside (non consentual violent acts against people/animals are in my opinion criminal) is a drug problem really a criminal problem or could it be a health problem?

why are we spending so much money on prosecuting and jail offenders when we could be putting money into the health and welbeing of the people. maybe healthy people would turn to drugs and crime less? maybe we should approach are more holistic approach to health. i don't feel healthy unless i also am productive and useful to the community. i feel productive and useful to the community right now but i also feel stretched thin and under a lot of pressure. even the working, school, parenting and all other housekeeping and such wouldn't be so terrible if i didn't also have to deal with the stress of worrying about whether or not i will be homeless next month or what i would do if i got sick because the state just dropped my healthcare. i only have so many hours in the day.

maybe the state wants me to be a dancer.

i'm going to clean myself up and go hula hoop.,

alice

I empathize.

Submitted by jaklumen on Wed, 09/03/2008 - 9:20pm.

I really do. Even though my spouse is by my side, and I'm on disability benefits, not welfare (anymore), I remember how dehumanizing the experience was at times.

For some reason when I was just starting out, my church wouldn't help. My bishop at the time was always asking why I couldn't just get a job. I had miserably failed student teaching and I was struggling through a series of low-paying jobs. My daughter was born when my wife finally relented to state social services.

I hated welfare-to-work. I always felt like a fish out of water. I got good grades too and I did have a bachelor's degree even though I had gone to war with Curriculum and Supervision at the school of education there at the university to get it, not to mention it was practically worthless. I felt so out of place compared to the typical participant who often had not even finished high school.

It was so strange when that old battleaxe of a case worker they turned me over to did a complete 180 once she wormed out of me I was taking medications. Completely different tune-- first it was grill, grill, grill, and then suddenly it was "we need to get you to apply for Social Security".

I mentioned in my introduction to the forums that the psychological expert at my disability hearing was pretty harsh. What a bitch. She went on and on about how it was some sort of psychological narcissism.

Yeah, I agree that far too many folks are jailed instead of getting treatment. I've had my scrapes with the law and I told a local city police officer that I understood I'd be a lot worse off if I didn't ask for help. The bitterly ironic thing is that my abusive mother, as a Social Security case worker, understands this very, very well and has seen so many folks slip through the cracks because society just doesn't get it yet.

I really do empathize with that feeling about being able to contribute to society yet feeling held down by that society to make a contribution-- working on too little money and too little resources. Sometimes I feel it's my fault I squandered my undergraduate education, but then I had been caught up in other people's expectations.

Oh, and then I found out recently that I have a bad back. Just seems to keep getting worse. Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I do empathize in my own little way.