There are some things I've noticed about this after life. I was talking to my friend about why it was so different in the after life. And I got to thinking. And I realized in the before life...I knew crazy...very well and so I cycled within it and I didn't know any better of how it could be. So it was really hard for me to think about changing my life for the better when I didn't know what I was missing out on. Now, I am in this well life, this after life and everything is different. Now I see what I've been missing, I see how good it can be and what it can be like. And I'm not willing to give it up. When I thought about cutting after my car was impounded...I thought about it and realized probably for the first time in my life that it wasn't worth it. Because people knew me here and well and if I did that...then people would wonder and worry and...just thinking about returing to such a life...I couldn't fathom it. I couldn't choose to go down that path again. I had newer and better coping mechanisms and I chose to use them because it was worth it to me now.

I am happy. Though things are shit, I am happy. I love the life I have made for myself and the people I have surrounded myself with and it just makes everything worth it. And I can't give it up. And I realize now how behavioral bipolar can be. There is definitely a chemical part to it for sure because I do need low doses of my meds so I don't get to high. But...I choose to do a lot of things to keep me well like sleeping, eating, having friends and what not. When faced with a stressful situation, I don't choose to act out but use other coping mechanisms.That was my language before but not now. I have replacement behaviors. And I choose not to delve in the extreme. It has become a sort of choice for me. It's like I went through my bipolar adolescence and now I have mastered some control over my behavior and how my brain works. And that's comforting. And like I said...it's worth it for me now to be well.

Before I cut...for punishment sometimes, for release other times. Now...I talk to people...I may not say truly how I feel or really let anyone in, but I talk, I acknowledge my discomfort with a situation. I talk it through. Sure I wanted to punish myself for the predictament i found myself in...but I didn't because I figured it was punishment enough what was going on. You know, the things happened before when I was sick and I have to pay retribution for them now. I do. It's a fact of life and I will face it because I have to...that's life and I choose to live life.

Before...I went manic...because frankly I enjoyed it. It was like a drug. I remember not taking meds or only taking some meds or not sleeping to induce mania. Or inducing it to curb the depression. I used mania like a drug and I guess in a way I found out how to control it. Only...when the ride was over, I was left with nothing. With my depressions...a lot of it was life event oriented. But just in the extreme. I just took things to the extreme paired with my very black and white or all or nothing thinking and my past, just made it all worse. Depressions were like the punishment for enjoying the drug of mania. And so I spent a good six years addicted to my own bipolar and instead of figuring out how to get well, I just figured out how to control my moods. But I was addicted to the extreme's and so that is what I practiced. I mean, the psychotic aspects weren't that great, the voices and what not, but again, that was like the punishment for mania.

So now...it's a drug I choose not to indulge in. I don't find satisfaction in manipulating my moods. I don't find happiness in the extreme's. I don't like to be high anymore. And the depressions don't really come because I don't need the punishment. So I guess in the end...I found a life worth living in the norm...and not the extreme's. And when my heart is bursting with joy at the end of the day...I guess that's what I'm addicted to now. That feeling and I know to sustain that kind of feeling...I have to be well, so I do the things to maintain the wellness.

I've been, get this, reinforced for being well now! Before I just had my counselors praise of the good stuff, but the praise just wasn't high enough on my reinforcer list. I had to have more to combat the goodness I also derived from the maina's and depressions. And so when I moved and I found my little life and I saw the reinforcement of being well (stable jobs, friendships etc)...well it was finally worth it. And I don't wonder any more what it's like on the other side of the fence. I went out and experienced it and instead of stinging or biting me, it was pleasant and I thought that maybe I would stay awhile.

Will things change in my brain in the future? I don't know, I just don't. But I can learn to enjoy the every day like now. And take it day by day and hope that if the time does come where things are knocked out of balance...I'll remember the healthy coping mechanisms and the support I have now and that will get me through.

And no matter what it was like before...I have changed me forevery. No matter what may happen in the future...it is all changed and will be changed and I may never react in extreme's again because of the actions I have taken.