broke, hungry....

angry, lonely....

made a post in roll call, and nobody answered. i know that's okay, but i'm needing help pretty bad right now, and frankly icarus is my last resort, so to have you guys shrug me off is just too much right now. i''m in a coffee shop because our internet got cut off and now i''m crying.

crying in public is the worst, but if i've gotta cry in public, i'd rather be on the bus. at least im not sobbing.

the psych was asking me about suicide last week, saying that "well, it sounds like you don't really want to then." and then someone came into the room, right before i wanted to scream: "NO! I WANT TO! I WANT IT SO BAD! but i can't do that, to my mom, my sister, my partner". i've seen what that does to people and i simply cannot do that to them. so i go on, pointlessly, wanting death benignly...vividly.

my dad introduced me to tom waits, lou reed, bob dylan, the band, showtunes, and little feat. good music for every occasion, i guess. he's gone now, gone gone. but i still have his music... lou reed lyrics are circling around my brain:

<<

I wish that I was born a thousand years ago
I wish that I'd sail the darkened seas
On a great big clipper ship
Going from this land here to that
In a sailor's suit and cap
Away from the big city
Where a man can not be free
Of all of the evils of this town
And of himself, and those around
Oh, and I guess that I just don't know
Oh, and I guess that I just don't know

>>

<<
All your two-bit friends they're
shootin' you up with pills
They said that it was good for you,
that it would cure your ills
I don't care just where it's at
I'm just like an alley cat
And when you're filled up to here with hate
Don't you know you gotta get it straight
Filled up to here with hate
Beat her black and blue and get it straight
Do, do, do, do, do, do,
When you're lookin' through the eyes of hate

>>

My favorite lou song is "coney island baby"

<<

When you're all alone and lonely in your
midnight hour And you find that your soul, it has been up for sale
And you getting to think about, all the things you done
And you getting to hate just about everything
But remember the princess who lived on the hill
Who loved you even though she knew you was wrong
And right now she just might come shining through
and the glory of love, glory of love
Glory of love, just might come through
And all your two-bit friends have gone and ripped you off
They're talking behind your back saying, man
you are never going to be a human being
And you start thinking again
About all those things that you've done
And who it was and who it was
And all the different things you made every different scene
Ah, but remember that the city is a funny place
Something like a circus or a sewer
And just remember, different people have peculiar tastes
And the Glory of love, the glory of love
The glory of love, might see you through
Yeah, but now, now
Glory of love, the glory of love
The glory of love, might see you through
Glory of love, ah, huh, huh, the glory of love
Glory of love, glory of love
Glory of love, now, glory of love, now
Glory of love, now, now, now, glory of love
Glory of love, give it to me now, glory of love see you through
Oh, my Coney Island baby, now>>

help.

help.

help.