Well, I made it through the weekend after my mini break down Thursday night. Saturday was all about the music. I listened to music for like five hours. I just was...with the music. My thoughts wondered but often I just thought about the music. I watched the colors form in my head. It was a peaceful time.

Sunday I spent more time with music and watched a movie. Then by about 6:30pm I started to do some work, but at most I worked three and a half hours which isn't bad. I still can't wait for counseling to begin again so that I can become less of a workaholic.

It's just been so maddening to figure out this fast brain disorder stuff on my own, with no one to give me conclusive reality checks. Someone to say, duuuude. Someone to watch over me while I try supplements and how they are interacting with my moods. Someone who I can again tell all my secrets too. Not that I really have any secrets. More...I could tell all my observations too ;-)

And someone who is in a helping profession, a therapist themselves and can help tell me how I can be less of a workaholic. I just care so much and sometimes I see these kids seven hours a week, so that's a lot compared to just an hour. There is always so much to do, it can be maddening. I want to provide the best service I possibly can to all the children, but reality is telling me that its not possible. While my focus is with one child, that means there is less of a focus on another child. And I have to figure out who needs my attention when and to not feel so guilty. I notice that when I connect super much with one kiddo, my connection is weakened with another. How to I balance all that and still provide the best possible service??

And I love data and I take a lot of data, but then I have to compile it all and that can be maddening. There aren't enough hours in the day to accomplish all of this. So like for one kid, I am behind like a month on his data because I re-did his programming and his data is not like everyone elses data and all I have is pages of notes that I have to compile into a monthly summary sheet. I just want like a day where I catch up on alllll of my paperwork. I have another kid whose programming must change cuz he's in school again and I need to make him worksheets, but again...where is the time??

And sometimes I just feel pulled in so many directions. I could write about it up here, but you'd have to understand my work to understand it all. Suffice to say...there are just a lot of things I need to do, some of which have to get done but are not necessarily my job, but falls in front of me because of my level of experience. And they hired this one chick to sort of over see the department, but I have more experience and more education than her and so its weird. And a lot of other therapists come to me and not her despite her having the title. Its all very confusing and not fun. I wish I had not gone crazy and I'd have that damn bachelors degree to prove that I have all the knowledge that I have.

I don't even want to get into my thoughts about all the years I wasted crazy. It just gets me angry, agitated and sad. But then I think about all the things I learned while I was crazy and I just wish I could be the person that I am now, without some of the crazy ass things that I did...but I know part of who I am is that past. And so its maddening how I think about my past. But I am paying for so many fucking mistakes I made in the past and sometimes its just not fucking fair.

And I think about my brothers who I will see in Dec. and how I was absent from their lives for two and a half years- two fucking and a half years- they have grown up going from 8 to 10, and from 11-13 (14 by the time I see him). One has now grown taller than me and his voice has changed. And I haven't been around to witness any of that. They are growing into young men and I have missed much of that transformation. For all the years that I was the best sister ever...doesn't matter much when I left their life because I couldn't deal with my own. I feel like I failed them in a way. I think about them almost every day but I know they probably don't think about me very often and that hurts. I wanted to be a big part of their lives always. And now, now I just don't know what they even think of me and why I left them.

Just...being crazy took a lot from me and it continues to take from me. But as much as it takes it also gives. I am the person I am today and I'm happy to be this person, but a lot of it comes from being crazy. I like my fast brain and the way I can think about autism and treat these kids and I just don't think it would be possible if I was completely sane. I understand these kids in a way because of what I have been through. It's just all a very weird process that I don't fully understand.

Maybe I fly into these rages because of all this negative. And all this pressure. And wanting to save, save, save. And I think tick tock the clock is ticking on these kids lives and getting them well. Sigh. Erin sloooooooooooooow down. Why can't I just fucking slow down??

Two more days until counseling...I can make it.

:-)
Erin