abandonment
Submitted by squirrelABC on Sat, 09/27/2008 - 9:07pmSo things are tough again. I guess I prefer to have friends I can actually talk to, but I don't so whenever I write in here it is usually negative, sorry. It's not that things are super bad, it's just that I only have people I can talk to when things are good. hen things fall apart I don't really have people I know I can count on. That's partly my fault. I'm too afraid to trust anyone. A lot of people have gone away over the years and I have found that most people can't handle me when I am super emotional. The ones that can aren't really good friend material, they are more older and busy in life, living life, loving, you know all the normal things I should be doing. I just wonder if me being locked up all those years fucked with me, like in a way that now I am prone to keep myself locked up on my own. Without the help of the looney bin. It's like I have internalized the looney bin, long after I am out and formed my own prison where I keep myself locked up inside. I guess I don't understand where everyone else puts their sadness. I don't know how they go on when the darkness sets in. I don't know how they have people they turn to without pushing them away. It is awful lonely in here. I made a pathetic attempt to reach out to someone I know didn't want to talk to me. It was sort of a last ditch kinda effort. I've never quite done it like that. I was crying on her answering machine and it was hard to breathe. I'm not sure what the point of that was except maybe just to keep putting my heart out there so I didn't completely turn inside. I can turn completely inside, but it makes it hard to function like a normal person when I am doing that. I guess I am more afraid of people leaving rather than them rejecting right now. I guess I feel like I can handle them telling me to my face what they don't like. I would probably be sad and maybe cry but I guess it would feel better than complete abandonment. And feeling as though people will disapear is the worst feeling in the world. When I went into the looney bin LOTS of people disapeared forever. People I really thought were my friends. Even family members. Especially family members. I guess my biggest fear is that those I care about the most will disapear. I sometimes feel like they already have, I just don't know it yet. The main thing I really didn't want was to spend my b-day alone this year again. So I tried to make it so that wouldn't happen. But I think it will now. And it is all my fault, i'm pretty sure. I'm not sure whether to jump ship now or to wait this out and see how I feel later.
At least I made the choice to try to go back to therapy. I don't know if I will get anywhere, but I am going to try anyway. If it goes ok I might ask if we can talk on my b-day too or around that time, just so I have someone to talk to around that time so I don't feel so alone. I guess she says she wants it to feel supportive. I don't really feel supported by her though. And the most frustrating thing is that I can't tell her why. I can't express when I don't feel supported, I can't understand why it doesn't feel good to me. I just know it doesn't. It's just a felt sense like thing. And there aren't words for it. That is the best way I can make of it. I'm pretty sure it will be ok in the end. Even if I do end up alone in the end. I guess more than anything I am just tired.
alternate reality twin
Hey there squirrel!
Once again I can relate since I am going through alot of the same things currently: the not-trusting, the distancing with people/not wanting anyone too close but desperately wanting to be close with someone, going back to therapy, being tired, feeling alienated, and being in volatile/extreme emotional states. The only therapy I've been to in the past year is the occasional support groups at the women's center dealing with sexual abuse/rape. I didn't have really helpful experiences with therapists/counselors in the past and this deterred me from trying to seek out these kinds of services once again. I mean--I'm severely depressed, been told by the women's center people that I am pretty much a textbook case of PTSD, and the more and more I educate myself on the subject I realize I can relate to the diagnoses (is this the plural? hah! my grammar is horrible..) of bipolar and borderline personality. Actually, one of the biggest things with borderline is fear-of-abandonment. Maybe it would be helpful to look into it, maybe not, I don't know if you are into those kinds of labels. And certaintly I'm not saying I got all excited about identifying with these descriptions but understanding that "hey, these behaviors/experiences/'symptoms' are related" and "alot of other people have these similar experiences" made me feel like I had a better grip on things. It also made me feel super-frustrated with my past counseling experiences because maybe instead of them asking me "So how was your day?" or the constant "how does that make you feel?", I could of heard--"Well this is a common reaction to this type of situation" or "Did you ever try/consider trying _____?" Like, I was never given any suggestions with what to do or how to live with those feelings and how to better achieve some equilibrium, and had to figure out so much stuff on my own. I began to believe this was the case with all therapists. Recently I realized I can't do this all on my own and maybe really searching for a good therapist (well, within my broke-ass economic limitations) and being really plain about all the things I learned about myself will help,yet who can tell what will happen? I don't know what your past experiences have been with counseling, but I hope you can find some help with what you seek out. I have never been institutionalized for mental health reasons, so I can't relate to that one but I can to feeling intrinsically fucked-up. Do you ever feel like you live at the drawing board, constantly banging your head against it? That's what I've been going through. I just wrote one of my closest pals who is a thousand miles away about how I hope one day, every other message I write her isn't a desperate plea or through fits of sobbing. She's been through the mill herself, but feels pretty healed these days, and provides some pretty unconditional support whenever she can in her nomadic existance. From what you wrote, I don't think you have anyone that is capable of giving you the support you need and as simplistic and self-helpy as this sounds I hope you can give yourself the unconditional love/support in the upcoming days and weeks. I constantly have to keep updating my definition of what support means to me, and maybe writing it down will benefit you, or for your potential/future pals. They need to know what it is you are going through and what are your signs (that for me, are usually non-verbal) when you are falling/unraveling into a dangerous place. As for people presently not be able to handle your emotions, I can understand being a very, very thin-skinned gal myself. I think alot of people don't know what to do with it because there is no real dialouge about emotional/mental health in our culture! My heart goes out to you and I hoped my words did something positive. Write me anytime!