A Piece of My History

Submitted by Tarot on Fri, 05/15/2009 - 11:35am

This blog entry is to share some of my past experiences with a person who started a thread about dissociation/ptsd/splitting. Here is the thread for anyone that wants to read it:

https://site.icarusprojectarchive.org/forums/viewtopic.php?t=15106&highlight=&sid=f466aca4cfaf8aa84f456c74e274c59a

Below are clips from a series of diary entries that I wrote after consciously connecting with a deeply subconscious dark force inside me that was filled with rage and suffering (named The Beast). This part of me was the source of my past black out episodes of violent rage. The basic message here is that I had to give ALL parts of me empathy, love, and acceptance for me to become a whole person. Previously I rejected parts of my being because I did not like them and was scared of them but that only perpetuated my fragmentation and suffering.

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*clip 1 - start*

It just occurred to me that this dark presence is The Beast, and that The Beast is NOT the same presence as Larry. (Icarus edit: Larry is the abuser I grew up with that lived on inside me into adulthood). I used to think they were the same entity but now I realize that they are not - The Beast is actually quite separate and unique from Larry. I have done pretty well with healing Larry but I realize now that I have completely neglected The Beast. I need to let The Beast have a voice and be heard rather than just keep him locked away in an isolated cage. I will never fully heal unless I learn how to really listen to him and feel honest empathy for him.

*clip 2 - middle*

(Icarus edit: I’m using the pronoun “I” to refer to both me as a whole as well as my dissociated fragments separately)

I think I am slowly moving towards acceptance of my true self. While at first this might seem like a good thing the deeper level to this is that the honest realization of what I truly am means that I really don’t love myself at all but rather only love the person I want to become. In reality, I loath and despise myself so much that just thinking about who I really am makes me sick to my stomach and feel like dying.

So, when I say that I think I’m slowly moving towards acceptance of my true self I’m not talking about acceptance of the person I want to become, the person that I keep pretending that I am. I’m talking about acceptance of who I am today, right now at this very moment – an unlovable ugly monster created from darkness and horror.

There is no easy way around the simply truth of who I really am. I have years and years and years of history staring me in the face showing me who I really am. I can either continue living my life pretending to be something that I’m not, pretending to love myself when in fact I have more self hatred than all the world combined, or I can learn to accept myself as the violent abusive sociopath that I am today.

I used to think that love meant absolute acceptance. I’m not sure what love means anymore at this point. As I get closer to accepting the reality that I’m a hideous monster I’m finding that acceptance does not automatically translate into love. I mean, I detest who I am so how can that be love?

Wikipedia states “As an abstract concept, love usually refers to a deep, ineffable feeling of tenderly caring for another person.”

So based on that this feeling in my gut is right on target; I can accept the reality of who I am but I most certainly do not love who I am. There is nothing tender or caring about how I feel towards my true self, even if I accept my true self.

So what next? How can it be possible to love a hideous unlovable creature? For some reason, my therapist’s voice is coming into my head right now. He frequently says to me that I need to think about things as a whole, neither all good nor all bad. Parts of me clearly see that I’m doing the “all good or all bad” thing here with myself right now. Still though, something is blocking me from being truly present with the implication of his words. Trying to really think and feel that way seriously makes my head spin, leaving me feeling dizzy and filled with a sense of confusion. That is certainly not helping me at all right now so perhaps I should take a step back into the acceptance part. Maybe I’ll be able to work on the fusion of “good” and “bad” some other time.

*clip 3 - integration*

The difference I’m feeling from this new way of thinking and feeling is astonishing and seems to be sticking with me. To no longer feel like something is missing is simply … awe inspiring. I find myself having many conversations with The Beast through out the day to help him stay connected and present with me, which is a totally weird experience all in itself. A good weird though – a weird that fits me and feels like a healthy integrating experience.

My Jovial Attitude

Submitted by Tarot on Fri, 05/15/2009 - 9:57pm.

I also want to add that I hope my jovial attitude is not coming across as minimizing the suffering that anyone feels from the issues that we have to deal with. I know exactly how hard it can be and the seemingly endless pain these experiences bring. The reason I laugh now is because as I learn to accept and love myself I’m finding this stuff is becoming a source of joy rather than a source of anguish. I mean, it’s like we’re our own self-contained entertainment systems, and how cool is THAT! :)

Tarot - Diversity is the creative foundation for all existence

"It is so confusing"

Submitted by Tarot on Fri, 05/15/2009 - 8:57pm.

“It is so confusing to talk in the first person when everyone and everything inside are yelling in the third person.”

ROFLOL! I laughed for 5 minutes straight when I read that because I experienced that constantly yet only a kindred spirit would even understand this sentence. To me, this is like a really good inside joke between us that nobody else gets, which just makes it all the more funny. :)

Man, I needed a laugh really bad too since the past three hours have been, errr, less than pleasant. Thanks for brightening my spirits.

“I really wish people knew what a day in our head was like.”

I’ve actually written a lot of entries in my diary that are illustrations of exactly that. Stream of consciousness writing is what I call it. I sit down at my computer and just start typing all the random flotsam running through my head (luckily I type about 90 wpm when I’m doing that). More often than not they turned out looking like the script of a bad sit-com where a group of people are arguing and nobody is really listening to each other. Hmm, now that I think about it I think writing like this is one of the ways I learned how to have comprehensible conversations with myself. Interesting…

Anyway, I’m glad that sharing my experiences have helped in some way. That’s why I’m here. I’ve felt for a very long time that I need to be sharing my mad gifts (stealing the Icarus term there) with others but, until now, I have found a way to do that. Plus, sharing like this seems to be helping me as well so we have a win-win situation here!

Tarot - Diversity is the creative foundation for all existence

Thank you

Submitted by Tausert on Fri, 05/15/2009 - 3:58pm.

Tarot……you and have such similar systems as far as I can see by what you have written. I am always trying to find a way to like the unlikable alters and understand there pain, that is my pain. It is so confusing to talk in the first person when everyone and everything inside are yelling in the third person. I really wish people knew what a day in our head was like. I would love to talk more to you as I know no one else who has even wanted to share with me the same condition. I live in Montana and people here see me as a crazy person to be feared ….. I was so happy to find this site and have hope to find some sort of friendship even if it is cyber space. In any case thank you for sharing yourselves with us….it helps more than you will ever know.