I choose people to love who don't have time for me.

Yesterday I decided...no more. No more longing for people who can't show up for me when I am in so much pain.

A real friend is there. I am a real friend to others. I am there. I show up. Because I value this more than anything in life. It is rare to find people who value people in their life and actually show up for them.

And I don't mean caretaking, because that isn't truly showing up. That is enabling. But when someone really needs a friend and is sobbing, all alone in their bedroom on the floor curled up in the corner afraid to come out. A real friend shows up for that person and helps them through it.

I have been having spells like that. Most days I have just not been able to get out of bed. Everything feels heavy. And I just so desperately need a hug. A shoulder to cry on, someone to hold my hand for a little while....

There is no one.

Because the people I choose to love don't have time for me.

So I decided I need to befriend the kind of people who do have time for me. Because I sure as hell have time for my friends. But somehow....I don't choose the ones that have time for me. Sometimes I find those people undesirable. Not as people, but the way they have time for me, pushes me away.

So I am not sure what the deal is. It seems I long for people to show up, but the ones that do show up I can't deal with. It seems like I can only accept love from the people who don't show up. But I basically stopped that because it was driving me nuts....

Now I am all alone.  I am used to it though. I guess you could say it is the most safe arrangement. And being fully inside me isn't all bad. I enjoy to write. I've eliminated all my triggers pretty much....and amazingly I am STILL sobbing almost everyday!!! Without any triggers! So it seems, eliminating the triggers was a good move. Life with them was certainly unmanageable. And I don't believe that it will be this way forever. I believe I will reach a point where I can reintroduce some of those triggers again and it won't completely wipe me out. But right now since people seem to trigger me the most, not all people, just certain people....then I figure staying away from those people is the best plan.

I hope I will get a chance to go to some of the Icarus meetings and get more support. That would be way cool.

Squirrel