I feel stuck, into my own knots. I find myself back into places i thought i'd never go back to. I did go past solitude, I remember. I've crossed the Pacific ocean and spent 42 days without uttering as many words. I'm never bored. I am self-sufficient. I ultimately don't need anyone. And yet I get stuck again into that loneliness--that makes me lose that healthy relationship with myself  which I've built through rage and pride.

But I do make progress. In the past two months, only, I've had incredible breakthroughs. I've processed the fact that I was bipolar, decided to take medication, adjusted to it, and basically dealt with that^part of my multiple problems. Which clears the way to deal with the others. I've also pinpointed my abandonment issues, which result in my co-dependency issues. i've been able to isolate anxiety attacks as physical phenomena controling me rather than coming from within. I've dealt with my mother and my father in ways that I hadn't before. I've been able to avoid making too much of a dramatic mess about my once again unrequited love. (though it's been messy, and a close, many times).

If we look at the past 6 months, the past year, the past 2 years, the list grows and grows. Since I've been at Antioch, I've been dealing with the line of things coming from everything that went wrong in my childhood. It's as if the issues are lined up in front of me, and I am, paralyzed by the next one, I suffer, I recognize it, I understand where it came from, I see the pattern, I break it. OK, NEXT! and then repeat. It's amazing, in a way. But, also:

I'm exhausted.