okay so. it's been a while. well actually it's never been, since i've never blogged here. chatted in the forums but not blogged. i go in and out. right now i'm doing well and mostly wanting to have some one concrete memorable place where i can say yeah, i'm doing it - i'm reducing my meds. and this weekend this saturday is going to be the one month of being at my reduced dosage, 50mg. instead of 60mg. that was the most i was ever on too, i think. the least was 0mg which happened once in the last decade and lasted maybe two months before i got really sick and fucking withdrawal crazy and tried to off my self. scary scary shit. i feel way better now and aware of how much better i'm going about getting off of paxil. slow and steady. and my new goal is to be off of it by the time i'm 30, which gives me 4 years, which is practical. oh yeah and i didn't mention the cool part: saturday, my one month on the lowered dosage, i'm gonna be on hornby island to have a monumental circus festival celebration in honour of tempest. her friends and family are planning it. thursday will be the four month mark of her murder. not like i'm keeping track... ha. okay yes i am, i keep track every day without meaning. it's how many days have gone by since tempest hasn't been alive. it really sucks. i talk to her a lot but not as much as when she first died. holy shit i felt her everywhere then, she was in the wind. the last time i felt her like that was at the last community house party we had here, i danced in the living room to loud live pounding drums and digeridoo and sweated until i felt like i was going to pass out or throw-up. and we'd been talking about tempest earlier because we always do at these gatherings, she's notably absent so we talk about it. and i came into my bedroom gasping for air and water and plastered with sweat and stripped down out of all of my clothes in the dark and i threw open the fire door wide and let in the night air and stars and sky. and i lay down with my feet sticking out of the door and my head propped up on a pillow so i could see the sky, mostly clouds but bright bits of stars too. and i cried loud and long and talked to tempest about how much i missed her, and felt her dance with the wind on my skin, and maybe did that for like half of an hour. it felt so good, so so good. i'm freaked-out about saturday, because everyone is going to be there, and we are all going to cry. and i really want to talk to her primary partner but i'm nervous because i know that when tempest was alive he had boundaries about talking with her other lovers especially about her and that's all i want to do. i can't tell if it would help him or not to hear from me about how i love tempest, and how special our relationship was to me. does he want to hear that? or would that suck? i don't know him well enough. i remember tempest telling me in a dream how worried she was about him and how i had this whole self-righteous concept of reaching out to him in his time of need but then a few days later i was like, fuck that. he's not going to want that from his partner's lover right now, not just yet. and it's true because at the funeral he was flanked by his family and hers and everyone was asked to politely stay away, give him space, and we were all like shit yeah, man, i'd be going fucking crazy. and he was and we all were but that funeral was fucking beautiful, brilliant, wolf howling up into the rain. so this weekend will be my first time back to the island since the funeral. i am looking forward to and not looking forward to how much fucking crying will take place, jesus christ, that whole month after i though i was going to kill my self with crying, it fucking hurts man! the stomach muscles contract and heaving can happen and it just doesn't stop. so i'm nervous about that again, i guess opening the floodgates so to speak. but no doubt, like every single one of my visits to hornby, it's gonne be healing. i'll get to visit her grave and rest upon the soil she loved so dear and maybe see some sea anemones too and laugh at our loverly inside jokes. i'm grateful, really.