Yes! I've been discharged again, to __ Drive this time, with a wide, genuine smile, and a newly founded gratefulness for singers, actors, producers, and all those involved, my permission directly requested or not.
And there's the clincher: again accepting gifts that I would not have asked for. Guilt for rejecting help, excitement for opportunities to meet new friends and a new lifestyle, grateful for the comforting, soothing, if not nervous effect they have on me. Wanting so badly to believe in __e's (his original cd changed into what looks like burnt copy after I ejected it from my laptop) beliefs and __'s and ___'s willingness to entertain me.
And family input, too, from ____.

Dearest helpers,
Can I please meet you? Can we get to know each other? How do you do the things you do? What are the mechanisms behind it? How do you get the timing so well? Or is it simply me: I simply change what I feel as needed to what's being outputted.

I miss ___ - well, maybe I'd just like to see how he's doing.

Who am I?
I'm not just any girl, am I?

What have I been doing all my life?
Trying to be a good friend - feel I've failed at that. Wanted to be a good family member - is it worth continuing to try? Yes. If not good, at least a mature one.

Wanting to care about the community - local and global - do I really care? Or do I just care about myself? How do I show my care? I continue to participate in relationships that I may not have time for in the first place. Simply to fill the void? __ and __ asked me before: why do I always feel that I have to be busy? I didn't even believe them. Now, it has become me. If I don't play music, I find it hard to do things.

Do I need to create an identity? It seems, to live in this society, yes. But what about ____? Is it acceptable to survive identity-less? Shall I study identity politics?

I wanted to take a __ course because I missed it; now I want to take a Logics, I mean Philosophy, course. Is it a bad idea to start that now? Should I just concentrate on relationships with people I have already met, or should I just trail after relationships that I swear I have with people I have not met directly. Will I ever meet them? Is that a worthwhile life to lead? Will those who have invested in me be happy with that? Am I pitiful? I've heard several times now that I'm weird.

I definitely have very sensitive hearing. Will I be hurt, helped, or neither for acknowledging names? I flip between thinking I'm extremely important and that I'm a nobody. Maybe I have to sit down and map who I am and where I stand with everyone, including myself.

One thing's for certain: I definitely believe in systems and circuits working together to keep the...status quo? No, to increase positivity. I feel as if I'm always being watched now - I feel I'm too boring to be watched all the time. Ie. I always want to cry.

But I choose to believe that things will turn out well for me; that I will not be inflicted with bodily pain; that I will work on reciprocal respect. I have to come to believe that I don't respect people or things the way people want from me. What do I do about that? Just keep trying here? Move to a smaller community? Try to become a star? I asked myself during my bath yesterday: What is the best way I can give back to the world? Family, friends, stars, marginalized, God?

Were they kidding when they said I'm going to be a very good actor one day? In another lifetime? Or should I strive for that now? Is that going to be an acceptable way to give back? I must admit, I am motivated by fear to become something that is not a waste in their eyes: I don't want to have my teeth knocked out like ___. I don't want to have one of the sides of my glasses fallen/knocked out like ___. Is that all I want? Freedom from physical pain? Freedom from causing emotional pain? Do I really not care about experiencing pain myself? I think I must find a way to be healthy and take care of myself - else I fall mentally ill again. Have I not found way, with music?

___ says to be with myself in my room and think about my energy. Think about what it is that people like about me. He enjoys being me, but I lack input. This I cannot disagree with. I think people like that I'm easygoing - well, he likes that. And people prey on that, too. ____ thought for some moments that I seem fun. People are interested in my lifestyle. They at least used to be interested in my different opinions.

To end on a positive, or at least productive note, I will map out those relationship webs.

[Inspiration during this posting: __  And they ended it there for me, in my mind, so that I could go walk the dogs in half an hour.]