So I am not feeling so well right now. The last couple days have pushed me over the edge to crisis mode. The couple of people I did have who were a source of support to me have gotten tired and sick of my distress level being so high and don't know how to communicate with me. I can't communicate with them anymore. I feel a bit like Adam Sandler's character on "Reign Over Me" the movie. I'm literally struggling to survive. I stopped going to work because I just couldn't keep going. Everytime since the house shut down or "safe house" plan as they call it.....I have just felt terrified and having flashbacks and racing thoughts and just feel this screaming inside my brain. I can't make sense of any of it. I reached a point finally where I was feeling so suicidal that I felt I needed help but couldn't ask for it. I tried talking to a teacher who I am close to and it's like she was annoyed with me and didn't get what I was trying to say or take me seriously. Then I got really scared and felt really isolated so I texted it to her because I thought she'd get it then and she said I should call 911. And I couldn't. All of the bad experiences I have had with that I just couldn't. I started having flashbacks of those experiences and hyperventilating and crying. Then my phone dropped the call and I called back but she didn't answer. She probably thought that I hung up on her and was pissed at me because I was annoying her. Then I asked her to text me the number for a local mental health crisis line because at least they wouldn't treat me like I deserved to die when I'm feeling suicidal already. I called and talked to the lady but it took some time because my voice was so quiet she could barely hear me. She asked for all these details that I couldn't give her but after a little while I finally started to give her some details. It was hard talking to her because she wanted to understand what was going on and I couldn't explain the screaming. So I just told her in terms of PTSD and the flashbacks and stuff. When she finally asked about my history and found out that I had had a long history of hospitalization and suicial ideation/attempts since I was a kid and that when I went to the hospital I sat in the waiting room for 8 hours because I was too withdrawn to get the point across that I was suicidal (although I told them those words exactly- I guess they didn't believe me) so anyways....she decided I needed to get a med eval appt at a clinic for the next day- only the next day is Mon cause they don't do them on the weekends. So anyway, She helped me to figure out how to keep myself safe until then and I just have to wait for the appt. I REALLY didn't want to have to go back on meds. I REALLY didn't want that! I spent a LONG time avoiding it because of how they make me feel.

I think that now I will likely not go on anything except something for my anxiety attacks and maybe a mild antidepressant. But I'm one of those lucky ones who starts feeling more suicidal on SSRI's. So I don't even know I'll go on an antidepressant. I might just go on a benzo. I hate meds. The side effects for me with my 100lb frame are intense. It's not a life worth living for me. I have a limit of no mood stabalizers or antipsychotics because of the side effects I get. I know this boundary I make with my body and meds is gonna piss this doctor off, but I don't seem to have bipolar just complex PTSD. he's also gonna think I have borderline ( and thus assume I can't take drugs I may become addicted to) but I am like the opposite of addict. I am an occassional smoker for god's sake! But everyone looks at what I struggle with and assume I won't be able to not become addicted to certain meds and the truth is I don't like taking any meds. I need more control over my body than that. So I hope he does prescribe me something for anxiety because if he doesn't my symptoms are just gonna get worse and I'll end up in the hospital again. I narrowly avoided it this time.

So I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens. In the process I had to cut ties with some friends because I just can't be a good friend right now and it is immensely painful for me because I am so isolated already and can't afford to lose any friends. And I think this friend in particular didn't really understand how bad it was until the other day and was freaked out about it because of how extremely little and sensitive I was to everything she said to me and ( in particular) the tone of her voice. And it hurt really bad to think she understood where I was and to see she really hadn't understood and I had been good at "passing" as a normie but really I had fooled her. I've experienced this with 2 other friends this year and my entire work staff team as well. So it's painful to finally be in crisis and have everyone see it and reject what they see. I think most of them are just scared and don't know what to think because I do SUCH a good job of pretending things are ok when they aren't. And I have certain tricks where I make it so people won't take me seriously I think. Because it's like deep down I don't feel I deserve to be loved or cared about. I make it really hard for people to love me. So they don't. It's SUPER painful. And I am still grieving the loss of another good friend.

Anyway....that's about it for now.

Squirrel