Tonight, I finally buckled down and sent a message to my former best friend, after not hearing from her in over 3 months.

When she first befriended me in May of '05, I was dealing with serious depression and lack of self-esteem, as well as social anxiety. By Oct, I had a serious break-up to add to the picture, which she actually helped me realize I needed in order to go anywhere in life. My relationship was seriously toxic to me.

In all this, I fell in love with her, and stayed that way until my next serious relationship, in Nov '06. It was my first serious relationship with a woman (I'm a lesbian, but didn't realize it fully until early '06), and it consumed me so much that I wasn't as good a friend to my best friend as I had been--though I still called her my best friend.

Then, late in January of this year, I had my first serious manic episode, followed by 5 months of bad meds and relapses and a whole lot of anger. Some of this anger I directed at my former best friend, and later found out that it was causing her serious anxiety, possibly even panic attacks.

After I got out of the hospital the 4th time, in June, I wrote and asked her if we could talk, and she wrote back saying she needed space. I've given her that space, until now.

Now I'm posting the message I sent to her because I wonder if anyone else has had to do this. I'm sure some of you have dealt with lost friendships because of your illness. I'd like to know about it, because it might help me deal with the fact that I'm sure even with the message I sent tonight that this friendship, no matter how dear to me, is over.

I'd love some feedback. Here's the message:

Subject: Please do not panic! I come in peace!

Dear M,

I've been thinking about writing you on and off for weeks, but didn't want to disrespect your need for space, and wasn't sure if I could deal with your response.

But I've been hurting over the loss of your friendship and my behaviors which lead to it for too long.

I mostly want to know if you think there's a chance that we can salvage a friendship between us? I don't fully know what I said that caused you so much anxiety, or what I did (many of those things I honestly forgot as a part of the mania), but I am willing to admit it was wrong. I don't know how much you know about what was going on with me between January and June of this year, but it was awful, and it is over.

I hope you know that I wasn't on lithium since January (which was a huge mistake on the hospital's part), but I'm back on it and have been since my fourth hospitalization. I want you to also know that I don't feel any anger towards you, and I'm sure the anger I did feel towards you while I was in the throes of my illness was unjustified, though I do remember feeling I lacked in feedback and understanding from you, which made things much harder.

Your friendship still is one of the most valuable friendships I've had in the past few years. I know I didn't show it between last year and this, but I still felt it. I truly believed, and still do, that you saved my life just when I needed you to. That you empowered me in ways I couldn't empower myself. And that you helped me and gave of yourself to me so much that when your own shit was going on and you just couldn't give anymore, you still felt bad over it.

I'm so sorry for the anxiety and panic I put you through. You didn't deserve it. I'd like to apologize in person, and be able to dialogue about what happened and what's been happening since, but I don't know if you're open to that.

I truly hope I haven't lost you forever. But if I have, I'll just have to come to terms with it as another consequence of my ill-treated manias this year, unfair as it may feel.

I've been stable for over three months, lived with my parents for part of it, and live on Greenlake now with a cool queer chic, and I've felt the loss of your friendship most keenly since moving back to Seattle and being on the lake where we walked and talked so many times over the past few years.

I'm sorry if you still need space and I've intruded on that. I'm sure you have a lot going on in your life with Grad School and work and whatever else. But I'm asking you to please consider giving what used to be a strong friendship another chance. And if you can't do that, then I'd at least like to know, even if it hurts more.

I love you.
~L