so i'm feeling very very anxious today. i think i put on another five pounds in the past month...this shit with my doc and med withdrawal and everything has caused a lot of turmoil.

i'm still thinking about moving back to oregon to live with my momma and make some money. i'm sick of cleaning people's houses. i used to have a career damnit. now, i have a boyfriend who loves me, and who i will love forever, but that's it. that's it.i have few friends, few prospects for better employment, and a spare tire (literally the size of a spare tire!) around my waist. no self esteem that's fo sho. i have defined my identity for the past year and a half by my partner, and now i'm looking around for something that's wholly me, a me i can respect, and there's nothing.

i just downloaded mt. eerie's newest album lost wisdom. they used to be part of the microphones. it's a great album, also reminds me of the great pacific northwest. the cascadia is a state of mind, a state of perpetual green and misty rain...

so maybe i'll stay back in oregon after we visit for christmas. i think it will be good to rediscover who i am, pull myself drastically out of this funk.... yes. but for now i will go to an interview just to hedge the bets equally.

"but now i know so now i no longer fight it
i say come on in little floating head at the door
who are you, who are you,
who has come to fill my room
well come on welcome in
i will no longer hide it
yes the way you say it stirs me to the core
every time no matter what
no matter who you think you are
every time i hear you say undo i do
and my tears fall
and my universe is shone
but who are you voice in headphones?"