I'm sitting here frustrated on my bed because of my "access denied" status on the icarus project's forums.

I just joined up yesterday morning, after reading 28 pages in the amazing book (Navigating the Space Between Brilliance & Madness) my new roomie brought home a few days ago. Shortly after joining, I successfully posted in a Seattle Poll forum because I'm desperately looking for people who can relate to and help me understand better what I've been going through this year especially, as well as the previous years of dealing with my illness.

Now I've resorted to posting a blog, even though I already have a blog on myspace and didn't really want more.

I'm fucking lonely. I had severe mania between Jan and June of this year, assaulted cops, a co-worker, and my closest friends on different occasions, and was hospitalized 4 different times, from 4 days to an entire month, totalling about 2 1/2 months. I also learned how to skateboard for the first time ever, shot hoops regularly for the first time since I was 12, created mad amounts of art, came up with multiple projects at work (before assaulting the coworker), and had profound spiritual experiences between me and God/dess. But mostly, everyone saw my illness as BAD.

I've been hospitalized over my illness before, on and off and in different states (both mental and of the US), but mostly they were when I was suicidal or in mixed states.

This year, between hospitalizations, I made myself very difficult to deal with, and lost friendships as well as my housing and my sense of self. I was all kinds of fucked up. And it didn't help that they'd taken me OFF of lithium (which I'd been on mostly successfully for 4 years) and put me on wildly varying doses of Seroquel. Smoking pot made my mania worse while on high doses of Seroquel, which was especially hard to deal with since I'd been dependant on it for the previous 7 years to keep me mellow and deal with depression--and it tended to be a downer most of the time.

Now I've been back on Lithium for over 3 months, while titrating off of seroquel and getting back to smoking pot, and dealing (tho not always well) with the consequences of my out-of-control behaviors of earlier this year. One of the worst is what I've done to my friendships. The next is what I've done to myself (particularly my self esteem).

I realize ya'll may think I'm a dude cuz of the name, but I am actually a female--though queer. I took on the name Reuben between my second and third hospitalizations this year, and unfortunately, very few people in my life are willing to call me Reuben because of the behaviors they associate with it. Reuben was my angry black boi persona, and the name they all knew me by before was the mellow loving Belizean girl name that most of them still call me.

But I told my roomie to call me Reuben before I moved in almost 2 weeks ago, and she does. And everyone I introduced myself to as Reuben since my hospitalizations have done it. So I know you all will accept me as Reuben too, whether I'm female or not.

I'm 26 and have been dealing with this illness for as long as I can remember, but didn't get diagnosed until my first hospitalization at 19. Since then, I've been going through all kinds of hell and heights of wonder and growth and backsliding.

I'm having a hard time feeling like there's anyone out there who can really relate to me. Especially because I AM queer but I'm a believer in Jesus Christ, I'm manic-depressive but confused about how much of it is really illness and how much is me being lazy or not paying enough attention to my spirituality. I am still, at times, wracked with guilt. Each day that I sleep 12 hours or more (which is almost every day), I am ashamed of my sloth.

But no church can fully satisfy me after growing up SDA and going through periods of atheism, agnosticism, buddhism (never fully though), and even goddess-worship, and finally back to Jesus.

I want to date, but I'm insecure about it. The first girl I tried to date seemed potentially more unstable than me even, still carrying so much baggage from a relationship 7 months gone. Since then (that was a few days ago), I've wondered if maybe my baggage from my illness isn't any worse than what a lot of other women might bring into a relationship. In fact, it made me wonder how many women out there are potentially "crazier" than me, but just haven't been diagnosed or are in denial.

I hope the Icarus Project has something for me. Already, I've found it helpful to know that there are SO many others dealing with similar emotions and intensity. The one friend that I have who has a bipolar disorder has always been well medicated and pretty stable for as long as I've known him--but I know he's had his "crazies" himself, and that counts for something. But we see each other/talk only a couple times a month it seems. I need MORE.

I'm 26. How long will it take for me to figure this shit out? And what if I don't have that long...

Can anybody help me fight this loneliness created by an alienating disease?