I am tired. Katarzyna's novella starts with that. I am tired of waking up in the morning to go live. Well, I, for one, am tired of living in a world empty of her. And I'm tired of being on a fine thread. And I'm tired of being alone. And I'm tired of loving unilaterally. And I'm tired of my body dictating my thought and emotions. I'm tired of not being in control because of goddamn chemicals in my brain. I'm tired of going to extremes to hurt myself as the last resort solution. I'm tired of moving. I'm tired of losing my friends. I'm tired of my father's temper tantrums. I'm tired of being overwhelmed. I'm tired of my brain. I'm tired of me.

I feel like I need to redefine myself completely. I'm out of my negative phase, functional again, with even some regained self-esteem and stamina. I'm not hypomanic and the lamictal is doing a great job. Yet the usual euphoria of the rediscovery of myself that inevitably comes after the negative phase has not come. I do not know what to make of this past crisis. I have not redefined myself like I usually do. I haven't emerged. I need to get my head way above water, not just enough to breathe.

I am making new close friends. J&R of course, but also N and M. I al astounded at how easily it happens. To think that a few years ago I thought I was fundamentally unfit to ever have friends my own age. I always wanted a group of friends. I wasn't going to school, and my parents were asocial, and we were living in an isolated place. So I didn't see anyone, much, for many years. I took all my stuffed animals, who all had names, ages, personal stories, histories and personalities that I had carefully established, and we had meetings under the table. friends meetings, but also organizing meetings. we were an army of friends with ambitions to change the world. me, bugs bunny and the three little pigs.

Joan says that my co-dependency issues/ abandonment, come from me never having ENOUGH. my father did give me enough, though, but i guess he was the only one. I can bitch and moan about the multiple ways in which he messed up, which he unquestionably did, in the end, but without his unconditional love, i would be even more messed up. So that's where my sense of security, comfort and grounding comes in. Either the person loves me unconditionally and is in symbiosis.. and that means i will be ok. Either they don't and then in my subconscious it automatically means that they will leave.

From the recognition of this pattern, I can go many ways.

I need to put (proudhonian) order in my life.