Falling Down
Submitted by Tarot on Wed, 05/20/2009 - 1:25pmI’m not doing so well today. I’m having another wave of confusion and denial mixed with anger and self punishing thoughts. This is so hard to have such a fluid and constantly changing sense of reality. At times I love being a Borderline for those reasons because I can fully experience a huge variety of different things in life depending on who I’m with and how I’m feeling. Other times, like today, it just fucking sucks.
I keep going back to how hurtful and baffling it is for me to have seen <ex-fiancee> one day be totally in love with me talking about our future together then suddenly the next day tell me she never wants to see me again (Icarus edit: she left me because she realized that my past is too damaged for her to ever accept and she will never be able to trust that I won’t repeat it). I keep asking myself how that could happen. What did I do to have caused this? Did she ever really love me? Will anyone ever accept me as a partner and be able to really commit to a life with me or am I just so horribly fucked up that my fate is to be alone forever? Is this real? Is she really gone or is this just her way of actually taking a real break to give us time to work on ourselves, to force the issue since we were so addicted to each other we were unable to take a real break on our own?
I’m trying to simply accept the situation as it is but have not been able to make that feeling stick for long because my perceived reality of the situation keeps changing all the time. Every time I get to a comfortable place of acceptance before I know it my reality will shift and I’ll be back in that confused hurting place of not knowing what is real anymore and feeling totally abandoned.
I don’t know what to do next other than what I’m already doing. Spend time with my new friends. Stick to my sleep, work, gym, and therapy schedules. Share my experiences with others. Write as often as possible.
For the most part it is working powerful healing magic; mornings like this are just really hard and have a way of taking the wind out of my sails.
in sickness and in health
If she is looking for someone who is perfect all of the time then she needs to search on another planet, because everyone that I know here has done some crazy shit in their past, this doesn’t mean that is who you are now. Life is a roller coaster, some people have bigger and faster hills than others. If she can’t take your ride, let her off. There are plenty of thrill seekers out there. Just be yourself, with all of your ups and downs, and sooner or later some one will come along.
KA-BOOM!
from
PiPeBoMb
Your girl
If your relationship truly is over, then she could never empathize with you or understand you anyway. You need someone to not just accept you but honestly love you for all that you are. Perhaps you need a girl with a similar past, so she will be able to relate to rather than be wary of your roots. Asking yourself a million questions will only make you anxious. Talk to her if the opportunity arises, remember good times if it doesn't hurt too much, and tell yourself that your life will be just as full without her. Because there is a girl for you. If it isn't your recent girlfriend, then you just haven't found her yet.
find peace
Patch