October 21, 2008

Doing the first thing I do today. I'm at home and I have a list of things to do, with no organization. Hard for me. The past times I've been home without work or class, I got barely anything done, because I was just jumping from thing to thing and not actually completing anything. I just mean to do something, get frustrated and go out and smoke a cigarette. I want to update this journal more, and just go over my day or whatever to put it down so I can read it along with any comments that might be on it.

Woke up around 8 yesterday and went to school. Picked up Will from the metro, and we had coffee for an hour or so talking about all sorts of political and personal shit. Our hopes and dreams. Will recently communicated to me after I got back from St. Paul protesting the Republican National Convention, that he was ready to DO something. He saw that that's what I did. All my ideals beliefs were nothing until I jumped in a car to Denver and came back a month later with convictions and principles. That's the thing. The biggest problem we have in our society, and especially our generation is not that we do the wrong things, but that we don't DO anything. The first step is what counts. But more about me.

After coffee, W and I drove to pick up charismatic and cute as hell D from her work in Sterling. She gave me a gift from her trip in New York, a trucker hat that said "vote with your feet" I love it! I might cut the cloth part out and put it on some pants as a patch. Not sure yet :) We all went to Northern Virginia Community College's first SDS meeting. I was afraid at first that it would be kind of unproductive, because E, Di and I didn't necesarily know what to fill the meeting up with. I told myself though that this was really just a getting to know each other and SDS meeting and it ended up filling the time and going a little over. People seem curious and interested.

I dropped W off at the metro and D and I went to get tea at Misha's coffee shop in old town Alexandria. Smoked a cigarette. Only one the whole time we hung out. I don't really feel the need to smoke when I'm around her, just swallow gum. D swallows gum too so it's all good. Got some grub at Cosi and headed back to the car and ate together. I feel really comfortable around her. At first I was a little nervous, just because we've been pretty intimate with each other and I didn't want to feel like I was under pressure. All in my head of course. It's always been really easy for me to be open. That's not hard. Being vulnerable is different though. I feel closer too her every time we hang out. I kissed her. She kissed me back.

It's... really nice not rushing into things and feeling the pressure. That's something I haven't had in my previous relationships. On the car ride home, we talked and shared about some things we like about each other. Walked in the door to my apartment and turned up the heat because it was cold. Got a blanket and gave her my journal from my trip and turned on some music! Music is always good. Always.  We made out and then just laid down holding each other. Told I really liked her. Told me she really liked me too. I talked about you know that I had talked to some of my friends and sponsor about wanting a relationship with her in early sobriety and kind of the risks that involves, but that I did. But I like the "it is what it is" relationship. She told me to never hurt her. "I'll never hurt you. I'll never hurt you." I asked and she told me the same. I want to have a relationship with real communication. This will be my first relationship in sobriety and I feel good about it. I have like honestly and genuinely had a conversation with myself about if this is what I want, whether I'm ready and what a relationship means to me at this point in my life. Nervous. Of course. But that's a good thing.

Just for today: "I will make the most of today, and trust that yesterday and tomorrow are in God's care"