The topic in a meeting yesterday resonated deeply with me. It was:

 

“Freedom To Be Me: If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.”

 

The first freedom, of course, was freedom from my addiction. Now, 9 months later as this first freedom continues to become stronger new doors to new freedoms are opening for me. Recently, one of the most profound and fundamental doors conceivable has burst wide open. Yesterday’s topic was so pertinent I feel compelled to write about it. So, that is what I am doing here.

 

To start, I’ll paste a portion of my private writing from not too long ago:

 

*start*

I think I am slowly moving towards acceptance of my true self. While at first this might seem like a simple and painless experience, the deeper level is that I am starting to realize that I don’t truly love myself but rather only love the person I want to become. In reality, I loath and despise parts of myself so much that just thinking about them makes me sick to my stomach. So, when I say that I think I’m slowly moving towards acceptance of my true self I’m not talking about acceptance of the person I want to become, the person that I keep pretending that I am, but rather acceptance of who I am today, right now at this very moment.

 

I used to think that love meant absolute acceptance but I don’t believe that to be true anymore. As I get closer to accepting the reality of my whole self, including the parts I hate, I’m finding that acceptance does not automatically translate into love. I mean, I detest parts of who I am so how can that be love?

 

Wikipedia states “As an abstract concept, love usually refers to a deep, ineffable feeling of tenderly caring for another person.”

 

So based on that this feeling in my gut is right on target; I can accept the reality of who I am but I most certainly do not love all of who I am. There is nothing tender or caring about how I feel towards certain dark and damaged pieces of my true self, even if I accept all those pieces.

 

So what next? How do I learn to give love and compassion to the parts of me that I have spent a lifetime hating and treating with abuse?

*end*

 

Since I wrote that I’ve been on a journey of learning to really love my whole self, which I think is honestly the first time I’ve ever experienced this in my life. Before now, I had been giving acceptance and love to the parts of me that I liked but I never realized that I was not giving love to the parts of me that needed love the most; the tortured horribly scarred parts of me that acted out with violence and abuse. I kept those parts forcefully locked away and was trying to destroy them like they were a cancerous tumor inside me. This new door that has opened for me is learning how to both accept AND give love to ALL of me, including the parts that I previously hated and tried to amputate. ESPECIALLY those parts. They are part of me, and without them I am not whole. Giving them the tenderness they so desperately need is the only way to fully heal from my past and live the kind of life I want and deserve.

 

This is bringing me a sense of freedom and wholeness that is … indescribable. All my life I felt deep inner shame and self hatred that was so strong I hid them from even myself. Now, as I learn to treat the dark parts of me with tenderness and compassion rather than more abuse and denial my shame and hatred is fading. I feel a new freedom to be me without self judgment or reservations. The real me. All of me. I am finding that I automatically feel and act in ways that I’ve always wanted to without ever having to try. It’s really quite weird sometimes.

 

Actually, this whole experience feels kind of weird, but in a good way; weird as in new and hard to describe. I don’t really understand how all of this is happening but I’ve noticed that as I continue to share myself with others who have had similar challenges in life this new feeling continues to grow. So, that’s what I plan to do – continue sharing and working with others.

 

Hmm, maybe that’s why I felt compelled to write this and post it up on Myspace and the Icarus site. Interesting…

 

Thanks all you Icarus people. The absolute honesty, acceptance, compassion, understanding, and genuine love you demonstrate when faced with our deepest darkest horrors are showing me a new way to live life. You all have my eternal gratitude.