So it's probably not surprising that I was in the hospital last Tuesday. I haven't been in a good space at all.

It's a long story and I'm not sure I have the energy to tell the whole thing but I had a therapy session that escalated and ended in yelling and I left feeling extremely suicidal. My therapist asked me if we needed to go to the hospital. She could tell how bad a space I was in. I said I just wanted to die. And that was it. Anyway, I left and went to the bridge nearby and almost jumped. I stood there scared wanting so badly to have the guts and also terrified. I had a full blown anxiety attack. I was so charged I walked for several miles to my school and when I got inside my roommate happened to be there. I said hi and she could tell something was very wrong. I just started crying and told her what happened. We decided I needed to go to the hospital. So I went and it turned out to be a very good needed experience, which is insane. I was so terrified of going that i had to get my roommate to go in with me. But once I was there, I felt safe and I needed to feel safe I guess. So once I felt safe I was able to think again and relax enough to build up the energy to try again. So I talked to the social worker who then got me some index cards and had me write out some stuff I needed to say to my therapist. Once I did that I called her up and made an immediate appt for the next day and we talked. I told her everything I needed to say. It proved helpful. She had triggered my abandonment/rejection fears so intensely that I felt like I was going to die and didn't have any way to cope. She exposed some behavior that I am the most ashamed of and left it there. Because I have been so guarded with her she hasn't realied, I don't think, how truly vulnerable I am as well. And that just pushed me over the edge. But the amount of support I received from my roommates was amazing and even M, the woman that was a dear friend and then it became something more, and left.....I called her. I know she still cares about me. I was desperate to find out. I needed to know if when it counts she would be there and she was. I gave her an easy out. I texted and said if she wasn't interested from hearing from me  she just didn't have to text me back. She texted me, and then called. I calmed down considerably from that breif conversation. The person I most needed to talk to didn't call me. I was afriad she was gone for good. She texted me a couple of days later saying she was still here.

I know I am high maintenance. I know I require a lot of patience. I am usually just happy if I get a text or not every once in a while. Obviously, I wish I could see the people I care about in person, but I am used to not being able to do that because of my past history with residential and hospital facilities as a kid, and honestly, there just wasn't anyone there unless they needed me for something. So I am used to not being high on a priority list of people that people want to hang out with. And I have some understanding of that. But recently, I guess my isolation had become so severe that I was unable to maintain and I just needed someone, anyone to show up for me, in person. And it couldn't be someone that was paid to do it because it didn't mean anything if they were made to, or their profession required it. I was even leary of teachers trying to show up for me because to some extent they were being paid to care. And it couldn't be people who were required to see me already, like roommates. It had to be someone who I could know really cared about me. But even though I kept showing up for people I cared about, they didn't for me. So I got needy and dependent on authority figures like teachers and of course, I never really recovered from M leaving me. And in this process I ended up leaving all those who depended on me eventually, because I just couldn't keep up.

I guess you could say I am starting over now. And I'm ok with that. I've never been one to not quickly want to move on when I get frustrated with a situation and start entirely over. Only....I have continued to try to stay connected to someone who doesn't have time for me, and I'm not sure at this point even WANTS me around. But I am determined to stay...if she wants me gone I'm gonna make her tell me that. I had to tell that to the people I cared about, that I couldn't be there anymore and wanted them gone. I, of course, said it in a nicer way, but still.....she was the one who always said she is never going anywhere....I didn't even want to stay connected at first, she got me to attach and care about things I never really cared all that much about before. She awakened a part of me that I didn't even know existed. I was ery careful not to be "too much".

So if she wants me gone now, she has to tell me. I'm making her tell me. If I have to tell others, she has to tell me. I refuse to let her off the hook just because I love her.

I'm of course, hoping that she doesn't really want to get rid of me. But I'm not naive. I'm thinking about asking her. I'm not gonna see her in person for a while unless she decides she wants to see me. I might wait till then and ask. Or I might ask via email. I can't decide. Or maybe I should just not even bother and just let things settle and wait it out to see what she has to say. Eventually she will have to say something if she really does want me to go away, right? She's a direct sort of person.

I have such a hard time with this. But at least I am in a little better spirits. I even talk to my therapist this session about some real stuff I feel like I want to work on. I am building an ally now instead of having an enemy. It's nice.