I cried myself to sleep last night.
And I cant tell anyone why.
 
I told that to myself last night, as I finally fell asleep.
 
I like crying myself to sleep. Maybe like isn’t the right word, its more like I find it comforting, its something I know very well. It’s a strange feeling, and I think it lingered into the morning but all the same it happened and I am not sure how I feel about it.
 
January...
 
Is it weird to be scared of a month? Frightened? I get like nervous, anxiety, my stomach starts to turn when I think of its approach. I litereally get flashes in my thoughts. Scenes in my mind.
 
I have been hospitalized twice in my life for trying to commit suicide.
 
BOTH times were in January.
 
Doctors asked me if maybe something traumatic happened in my childhood in January that would leave such an impact. The sad thing is? I don’t even know. Its just January, and no its not seasonal, there is something about this month.
 
I am not going to attempt again this year, I know that much, but I also know enough that even if I don’t attempt I will be dealing with shit internally that will not be fun.
 
I get scared for people around me, I feel like I should just isolate myself and deal with my shit on my own.
 
I cried myself to sleep.
I can’t tell anyone way
There is shit going on
And then shit coming up.

Where is a fucking release