rrrribit!
Submitted by -. r r r r i b ... on Sun, 07/12/2009 - 6:19pmraw day. fragile, delicate day. feeling easily torn.
at the park...i came down a new path. very sweet, close, soft, wet, hidden back here. i am sitting on the barely-visible path next to an inspiring tree who has graciously agreed to let me sit and have a talk. this tree literally embodies how i am feeling today, but more- it embodies the strength i seek.
once upon a time, someone began to cut this tree down. i am surprised that it is healthy and healed (though "disfigured").
about a foot up the trunk, there is a frighteningly deep chainsaw cut all the way around the trunk- about two inches into the flesh of the eight inch thick tree, far deeper than the bark layer. this was not a flesh wound. this could have been a mortal wound. above it by a couple of inches is another cut, half as deep as the first, also all the way around the trunk. above that, a cut about three inches wide and 1/2 inch deep.
when i came upon the tree i knew at once why i was drawn to this particular path today. when i paid my respects and expressed appreciation and asked the tree whether i could spend some time and talk with it, i got a warm, kind feeling and the top cut almost appeared to become a little smile for me. i looked and the tree was smiling at me.
the tree is very tall- 50 feet? 100 feet in the air? no leaves until the very tippy-top of the tree, at the canopy of the forest. when i first looked up i got scared for a moment, thinking it actually was a standing dead tree, until by moving and looking from various angles i saw that it had a living head of hair at the very top.
so, here's our conversation.
what attracts me so much:
- this person has been wounded like me. i feel like i was almost cut down, too. (yes, but we survived) yes we did! thank you
(these cuts on my trunk are not disfigurement. they are part of the story of my life.) sometimes when i feel down or hurt i feel like being attacked, having my trust betrayed, is "the story of my life", like it's bound to keep happening to me. i don't want that. i don't believe that.
(i didn't want to be attacked either. luckily, this person changed his mind.) i've been lucky, too. here i am!
(sometimes it can be scary to feel out of control of one's life. hm?)
yes.
(see how solid i am inside the cut there? i knew how to heal. i was lucky, too...wind and sun and rain helped to heal me. my neighbor-trees all around me sheltered me. you know how to heal too...and the wind and sun and rain and friends will help you, too. you can do it. you'll be ok.)
deep involuntary breath, stabilizing sigh...and another big one. integrating sigh. then, i hear birds, babbling brook, feel solid ground beneath.
...watching the shadows of the leaves dappling on my arm, like a caress. i am not alone
(we're all here with you. we won't ever leave you alone.)
memory-self of "alone, all alone" cries, inside me
(touching you "all alone" one...we are here with you. you are not alone anymore.)
putting my hands on my heart where i feel that "all alone" self. "all alone", see her in my mind's eye...she is crying. i am here, her, crying. hugs to "all alone". i am here, you are not alone anymore. crying hard, rocking, gently, patting, you are not alone anymore. i am here with you.
"all alone": i was scared! i was so scared, i was all alone! ...crying
i was all alone and nobody came to help me, i needed help so bad, sooo bad, i was calling so loud, and nobody came! nobody ever came!
crying hard, crying... crying...
crying more gently... tears subsiding, relaxing...
relaxing...
whew.
feeling a little better
"used to be alone" is smiling, hungry :) (let's get something to eat!)
looks like someone has a new name.
to be continued...
...continued from "rrrribit!"
...continued from "rrrribit!"
tree says (there's more. i am angry.) feeling of bristling, anger, bad bark, ripping, roaring, feel like getting away (i am angry. there was a chainsaw buzzing, it ripped into me, it hurt me, everyone was screaming!)
ok. yes. we need to deal with that still.
i am tired. could we finish later? (yes dear. i just wanted to remind you to continue through the layers of pain. each voice waiting can be healed.)
at this i think of my lesson-book. there is something there that will help me with this.
my heart to yours, dear tree. thank you.
what can i do to repay your kindness?
(always remember to ask permission before cutting another living being.)
oh wow.
(that's right. everyone who hurt you thought they had a right to cut you, too...
...and what do you take or cut or do to other living beings without first gaining permission?)
ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... oh. lots to consider.
holy cow.
(yes.)
i began walking down the path. . .need a drink of water and to rest. begin feeling shame again, deep, angry shame. how do i get from here to feeling better? i need to stay accountable for harmful behaviors.
i arrive at the brook. it is amazingly gorgeous- rushing water, freezing-fresh and clean, pouring over rocks and pebbles under the sun-dappled trees...watercress growing up into the sunlight out of a thick bed of some rich, dark-green succulent that lays like a blanket in the stream.
amid this beauty i feel poisoned and mean. regret and shame for things i have done without thinking, without considering the effect on someone else, pour over me. amid this beauty i feel poisoned and mean.
(yes, accountable, but you don't need to commit suicide over it, right? the idea is to heal, to correct yourself, right? the idea is that we are all in this together, right? grow out of it, stop doing it, but there is no need to slash and burn yourself.)
(that is the anger you feel about the suffering you have both endured and delivered. as you deal with your hurt and angry self, you will stop feeling so ashamed.)
(tree back on path nods "yes")
i walk through the water and out onto the path, digesting, considering. i take a drink from the stone-pillar fountain, so grateful and hoping that i am drinking water from this kind and wise stream.
i lay down on the grass and look into the trees, noticing the little birds who speak nearby, flitting from branch to branch. i rest.
enough for one day. home to eat and rest.
"forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair." - kahlil gibran &