I don't know what I want to do to myself right now, but none of the ideas I've been entertaining strike me as good. All the things I can think of will neither help me or make anything better. I feel really fucked up right now. I'm not used to feeling like this. I was doing okay during the day, drinking coffee and being slightly productive on this paper. It got better when I saw D. We went to dinner and then a meeting. She decided she would rather see a movie than go to P's which was fine and made sense given the time constraints that we hadn't thought about. I still wanted to go to P's though and decided I was going to any ways, but as I thought about it, I decided that I really wanted to be around more people so. I ended up going to an open mic night where I planned to get out of my head and read some poetry and be passionate about something. I thought I had been put on the list but apparently the woman who was running the show decided that they didn't have time or something. I was a last minute addition and she told me that everybody who went up there (except the jackass reading... okay no resentments. those don't do me any good right now. Long story short, the reason I was there was to read and it didn't happen. I kept getting more frustrated and angry and I couldn't stop it. I left without saying good bye to anyone feeling like I wasted my night. Driving home getting angrier and angrier. Using that shit as an excuse to... no my feelings here are legitimate whatever they are caused by I'm not being unreasonable here. I'm a bipolar addict and I'm fuckin emotional. I was thinking about hurting myself. I was thinking about cutting myself, and then I was thinking about using. I was thinking about using for a long time. Still thinking about it, though I'm safe here at home. There's nothing here that I want to get fucked up on. The way I was thinking, I would rather not take pleasure in fucking myself up the way I want to right now anyways. Where's a fucking knife. I'm not hurting myself. I'm going to sleep. I'll be okay in the morning.