Things have been kinda insane lately where I am with all the snow. I was stranded at work for 48 hrs!!

I slept there in the back office on the couch. It was pretty funny and also a bit heartbreaking that I didn't have anyone in my life to transport me. Everyone else seemed to get a ride from someone if they couldn't drive themselves. My roommates refused to go out in the weather. So that was it. I don't have anyone else. Times like this make me feel very isolated. Like when you have to put down the emergency contact on a release form and you don't have anyone you would like contacted in the event of an emergency. Those are the times I feel I could die and no one would notice or care.

But, on the flip side, I feel also connected to the universe in an unspeakable way. My whole life is a blizzard right now and here is this storm I can see and touch and smell....there's something comforting about that. And work needs me more than ever. I need them too. I am finding out that I am not the person I thought I was. Or the person everyone in my family is telling me I am. I am someone entirely different. My mother tells me I am selfish and lazy and mean and hateful. But in these times of need, when red cross is at the airport because so many people are stranded at the airport, I am transporting people in my company van, coworkers home and to work. Teh ironic thing is no one knows how to drive in snow here, so they are unwilling to drive me home, LOL. And I find that I don't much mind. I am a giver. I care deeply about people. And I am always there to lend a hand. I do tend to get preoccupied with my own suffering because my emotions run amuk but I am not a selfish person. And I am certainly not lazy, working insane overtime hours to make sure the girls I work with have staff available to them during the holidays. I guess I could still be a mean and hateful person, and I certainly didn't go easy on my mother in my adolescence or even pre-adolescence, but I seem to recall my behaviors being reactive to something. She was certainly no saint during those hard times, And they were immensely difficult. But to bring up all the shameful aspects of my behavior and tell me what a horrible daughter I am because of those times so long ago, just seems a bit insane. I told her I don't blame her. I don't hold anything over her head. I'm not thinking these things are true. I'm not perfect, but I'm at least honest.

So this is a bit of a breakthrough for me, I think. I realize I was not easy to deal with, by any means. I was a difficult child. I had such severe reactive attachment behaviors that my biological functions like heartrate, appetite, sleep, respirations did not work properly and I had to be hospitalized several times. But my mother still blames that on me. And she thinks, even though I haven't ever in my life asked her for anything, that I blame her or don't take responsibility for my life. Surely this isn't the case. I have worked my ass off to get somewhere. And it has been an uphill battle. Sometimes I am struggling so much I can't function. Sometimes I am alright. It changes depending on circumstances. But it is NEVER easy. But I still fight for my life. I just wish she would get with it and join me and fight for hers. But I can't force her. And in the meantime she is dragging me through a harsh trial. Luckily I don't care about the people she is pleading her case to. But I REALLY hope she doesn't talk shit about me to my baby sister. I love her dearly and she loves me. She is my baby (even though she's 13 now). It would be difficult on her to have me badmouthed like that and asked to "take sides". Being 13 is enough without adding shit to it....but I am learning to accept the things that are out of my control.