Well, it seems as though this is just another time in my life where I am a textbook example of attachment failure in infancy! Boy is this shit painful!

It's like people are there and then they are gone- over and over again. I can't seem to find my bearings, I can't seem to hold onto them once they are gone and perpetually feel abandoned, no matter what the other person does. There is no way to tell myself the feelings aren't real- I know they don't reflect reality, but they are so strong they are impossible to ignore. Going through a period right now- an existential crisis of sorts, thinking I might not exist! Because I keep reaching out and no one is responding. I know these people are busy. It seems as though people who I thought I could rely on have gotten sick of me. Because I still haven't come out of the horrible depression. So they are avoiding me. I even try to be REALLY positive so they will want to be around me, but I suppose it isn't enough. The crazy thing is I am one of those friends that is loyal till the end and if a friend calls me with a problem I am there for them. Even when I am struggling I am there. I care about my friends, and am committed to giving back. I have always been that way. But I think all people see lately is me not being able to hold onto my shit and floundering and they assume I am incapable of being the kind of friend they want. I feel......defeated, deflated and like I want to give up.

Oh and can someone just respond with a quick hi, just so I know I do still exist??? Thanks!

Squirrel