My natural state of being is to automatically wipe away all my boundaries and totally loose myself in the moment, and I do mean TOTALLY loose myself. The high is remarkably similar to an addict taking a hit of heroine, as is the subsequent crash after the high. Left unchecked, our sense of self dissolves and becomes entirely defined by our current experience and our current feelings. It is absolute and total loss of the ego. Because Borderline’s have such poor object constancy, once the experience causing the high is over and the person is no longer in front of our face our feelings of connection automatically start to fade without us even knowing about it. As I have learned, the connections start to fade even before the high has worn off. So, once the high does finally wear off the connection is well into the “fading” phase, at which point we’re suddenly filled with intense loss and feelings of abandonment. Even though nothing at all has changed the simple fact that the person is no longer in front of our face has triggered this cascade effect and we’re left horrified at how empty and alone we suddenly feel.

 

So, that’s what used to happen before I was diagnosed and had all these wonderful tools in my pocket. Now things are quite different for me. The same things happen of course but rather than the ride being a psychotic and dangerous roller coaster it is more like a spirited Sunday drive along a beautiful curving road. To start, I went into the evening consciously holding onto myself with both hands tightly. I held onto images in my head of all the various things I do in life that help me feel like me; the things that help me feel grounded as my own unique individual human being. As the evening progressed and our separate realities began to slowly merge I slacked my grip on these things a little bit to allow my sense of self to immerse more into the experience. Not completely let go by any means, just gave myself some slack on the line. Eventually, I actually totally let go for a few moments to be fully present with the experience but then quickly reeled myself back in pretty quickly. These were the moments we found ourselves holding each other and crying.

 

The difference this made is quite remarkable. I certainly felt the high from the contact but it was not so overpoweringly strong that to cause me to I walk away from the experience with no internal stable sense of self. I went home that night feeling really good of course, but also still really grounded and like I still knew exactly who I am. So, that was step one of how I deal with my lack of object constantly and poor object relations.

 

Step two is happening right now. I’m at work today so obviously she is not in front of my face anymore. Also, I probably won’t see her again for a while. So, the intensity of connection I feel to her is already starting to fade. It is always an annoying experience because even though my mind knows that nothing at all has changed from last night the feelings of connection still fade and I still have to deal with the feeling of loss. Through constant practice of mindfulness I’ve been able to detect this shift in direction surprisingly early and prepare myself accordingly, even though I still feel the positive effect of the high from last night. For example, I’m already practicing self soothing techniques, such as talking to my brother, texting / emailing a few people, planning for gym and dancing time over the next couple days, and making time to write this blog entry here. So far, it seems to be working pretty well and rather than experiencing a violent crash to the ground like I used to this feels more like a bumpy landing. Just a few minutes ago I even tried something totally new by telling her that the object constancy stuff is starting to hit me. I have to say, I’m pretty surprised by her response: “I’m right here.” Apparently she’s been doing some research on Borderline. LOL!

 

So anyway, there is a great example of how one piece of being Borderline works for me and what I’m doing to deal with it. I hope me sharing this helps people somehow. I know writing it has certainly helped me.