i was hanging out today at a park with the three boys i nanny, watching them run and fall, cry and giggle. i love them, so very much.

i had a nine week break from them while they were on vacation. this lack of employment did me no favors where my mental health and bank account are concerned, but they did give me the chance to reflect on my time being their nanny. i love working with them, i've seen them grow into independent school aged children from pre-schoolers needing their bottoms wiped. they have taught me how to be a good mother, by letting me know what kind of person i want to be around children. i don't want to be too strict, then you create an uptight, overly cautious child. i don't want to be too relaxed, then you create a scattered, hyperactive child. but they have also taught me that children get to choose what kind of person they want to be, completely independent of any outward influence. i have learned how to be patient with growth, and how to encourage its upward trend while supporting its tendency to fall backward. i have decided that i am a wonderful caregiver, and should attempt to care and nourish as many things/people as i can in my life. taking care of others is the only thing i am consistently exceptional at.

i had an iud put in in may, so getting pregnant will now take an unusual amount of forethought, and an unusual amount of doctor approval. i fear that because i am BP, a doctor would most likely be reticent toward the removal of my iud. it will take the complete support and knowledge of my partner, which are two things that many people do not have fully prior to conception. what i'm saying here is that i can no longer have accidents. the accident is no longer an option. my partner and i are committed and loving, and i'm ready to have kids within the next year or two. i want to do it while i have energy, and while we are poor, so that the children are raised with an acute sense of desire-less-ness. peter, i think, wants similar things, but is not ready to yet. what i have learned from nannying these three boys is that you're never ready. parenting is about being unprepared, no matter how prepared you are for one thing, you're always surprised by the occurance of something you never thought of. you're never good enough at it, you're never confident in being 'right', and you're never calm about risks. so his readiness excuse is simply a way of stalling his maturity into an adult. his fear of my attention waning from him. we talk about children, and i know he wants them someday. but we will wait, at least two years, and that's fine with me. i'm ready to wait for him to be ready.

but today at the park i thought, 'can i even have children'? lamictal crosses the mother/baby barrier i think.... i know its secreted in breastmilk. i have to breastfeed. my mother is a lactation specialist, and i believe that breastmilk, even if just for a few months, is absolutely necessary. sometimes its not possible, i know. but i'd like to at least make it open. i'd have to quit lamictal to breastfeed. would i have to quit it during the pregnancy? i'd like to think so, actually, i don't think it's good to have a lot of chemicals in the system of a pregnant mom. but, pregnancy will most likely send me into BP rollercoaster land, so the lamictal might be necessary. i could go on about the 'if's and the 'or's, but that's not the point. the point is that i cannot just have a baby, i cannot just be a mom. i'd have to work really hard being a pregnant mom, before i even concieved. that makes very little sense, i know. it just seems unfair that i cannot just have amazing kids, that i have to put them through my med withdrawal, inherited genetic traits, and complete moodiness.

i seems unfair that BPD makes me unfit to have children when in every other way i am ready and qualified. but nobody said life was fair. ask al gore.