sometimes i just want to die. 

i didn't earlier today- which is what i told them at bellevue- that i haven't felt suicidal for a week- that i didn't know if it was because i adjusted my thyroid medication or if it was because i've been moving forward with trying to get some of the help i need.

funny- because they sent me away, and i was even fine for several hours, and i was just standing here in my kitchen, kind of alright- just a little defeated and thinking about whether or not i should go somewhere warmer for a while- or somewhere where people get help if they cant get or keep a job or take care of themselves- and- it hit me.  hey- i thought-- maybe this really IS too much.  i tried to find a way out and it didn't work and maybe there's no easy path and if so- maybe i just wont be able to clear one- and maybe rather than run for arizona or south america or wherethefuck ever (hello australia- why are you never on my list!!!) where i'll still be tormented and trying to figure out how to make it in this world in a happy and worthwhiletome way- maybe i'll just end it now.  real quick- forget thinking about it- knife/wrist- sigh of relief, done! :)

of course i wont go back to bellevue now- bad associations.