Self-control- I have tons of it. I think in my before life...I didn't have it so much. When the urge struck me to do things, I did it. Kinda like a teenager lol, which I call much of my before life my "bipolar adolescence." But now I am methodical and I think things through and I'm logical. I think I went from a feeler to a thinking. I really do.

I want to scream to the top of my lungs, I want to pound the wall until either it or my hands break. I want to fling myself around. I want to chuck things. I want to smash things. I want to beat something (NOT someone) with a baseball bat. I want to feel so much pain that it overwhelms me. If I let myself- I would like it.

Writing them in black and white seems like a scary thing. And I'm posting it. I could fear that people are going to be like ohhhh noooo, here she goes again. But, I know I'm different, I feel different, I am different. Like I said- self control. I do not do any of these things even though the urge is so strong I feel like I'm going to go crazy. But, you see, it's a feeling. I know I won't go crazy. Feelings pass. Just cuz I feel like I'm going to go crazy, doesn't make it fact, doesn't make it true.

And just because I want to do things, does not mean I will. There is a choice in the matter and at this stage in my life...I am exercising that right to choose. This is why I'm in the after life ;-)

And I know I must have incredible self control right now because even my roommate is commenting on how there must be so much going on within me- she only knows this because of slight comments I may make, the music I'm listening too and because of how many anti-psychotic pills I have to take to calm me down (not a lot, just .75 instead of .50), if I happen to mention I had to take an extra pills. That alerts her to the fact that internal things are happening. Because I asked her, have you noticed any behavioral changes. She said no, which is the odd thing and why she thinks I must have a lot of self control because on the inside I am raging full force.

But my outside no longer has to match my inside...for me to validate how I'm feeling. Even though I want to...I don't have to. Just because I am going crazy inside does not mean I have to act crazy on the outside lol.

But of course, one must think- does all this self control come at a price? I think yes and that's why tomorrow I'm heading back to the counselors couch :-) I need to talk it through. My friend said I'm like a fisherman who doesn't come back to shore...the boat will sink with fish. So I need to head back to shore like once a week. I also am meeting with my boss so she can mentor me on how not to go crazy with this job. Some professional mentoring. She knows of my fast brain disorder, and once offered (or several times) to let her know when I need help to set limits and boundaries. I decided to (in a weak moment lol) to ask for that help and receive it. I'm still not sure about it, but something is telling me I need it. And she has been so caring and wonderful. I work at a wonderful place!

I believe, overall, I like having this much self control. Because I feel like it puts limits on my life and how crazy I can get. Like I won't go crazy because I'm controlling my behavior. I set limits for myself on how I will and will not act and I am sticking to it. I am going through incredible turmoil inside right now, but I feel proud that I'm not letting it show. I remember before in the past I'd say I was tortured. It was gut-wrenching and sorrowful and boy did I let it show...and part of me is feeling some of that now, but in a totally different way. More because I'm letting myself feel the feelings and letting it all churn up inside me and I don't really have anyone to share it with. My friend and roomie just got arrested for a DUI and is under tremendous stress herself and I can't really talk to her. I don't want to be a burden. And besides what can someone say to someone like me? I don't cry so I don't need a shoulder to cry on. I don't like being a burden so I don't know what to say. I don't even know what I'm going to say to my boss tomorrow. I don't even know what I'm going to say to the counselor lol.

Anyway...self control- I have a fucking shitload of it lol. And part of me feels proud for getting to the point where I can control myself. I can relive in my head what I want to do over and over again, but I do not cross the line. And that has made all the difference.

Erin