After re-finding this site, I took out the ol' 'reader and roadmap' and put it in my room. I think I'm afraid to read more, to experience more recognition. I'm afraid that in my solidarity, in identifying with some of what others here are experiencing, I'm signing myself up for the extremes, which I don't currently share. Part of this is just a fear of witnessing myself, of saying, yes, I can't keep my brain from going sometimes. Of acknowledging that I'm not doing all this on purpose, that I don't know how to make it stop. That sounds a lot like addicted behavior- I'm addicted to being 'in controll'? But I also think I'm associating my own witnessing with being seen by 'the gaze' (society's view). If I say things here, aren't I signing myself up for the nuthouse? Won't someone find this, find me, and take me away? No. No. No. I'm afraid because even safe spaces aren't safe in this society that's out for accusation. ("If we lock up the 'bad people' we'll be all set, because it's not that the system is broken, the people are") I've always feared being seen as crazy. I used to troubleshoot how I would respond if I were taken into a psych ward (I was young- maybe 11? The closest thing I knew to the existence of a psych ward was ghost stories and Arkham Assylum) As a youth I spent ages at night figuring how I would get out of the house in a fire, how I would escape an attempted rape, how I would respond if someone came into the house. Funny- I never thought of anticipating how to escape the restrictions and fears I've put on myself. I guess I never imaged that internalized aspect of oppression. How terrifying for something unhealthy to be part of you! I've always had a thing about parasites- they are in you and not of you. "Get them off! Get them off!" yick. So, how to identify the parts of my thinking that don't serve me, but are just living off me? I'm not talking radical conspiracy theory (though it certainly doesn't hurt to have folks so self-hurting that they can't see the system) I'm talking painful cycles that don't help anyone, including themselves. Cycles of self-hate, guilt, accusation. How can I see when these are things that my little self is trying, trying to do to be a 'good girl' (ouch- I work all the time, do incessant projeccts because working means I'm good) and when it's straight venom that I just need to cut. To the former I respond with gentle redirection and assurance. The latter I defy and negate. I know from music practice that I have to get through skepticicm and doubt to get to confidence.