therapeutic vouyerism
Submitted by squirrelABC on Thu, 11/13/2008 - 5:14amSo, things are going alright I guess. I don't have many complaints except for therapy. Our relationship feels creepy to me. Vouyeristic creepy. Anyone who knows me knows I can talk about myself. At times I can be very vivacious and talkative. Like hello-mania! But when I don't feel safe, nothing clams me up faster. So I don't say much. I was pretty shut down when I first met her. But I did take some risks and talk to her. The responses I have gotten have been less than helpful. They have effectively served to shut me down. Therapy is supposed to help open me up, not shut me down further. And my relationship with her is non existent. Since I feel therapy IS the relationship.....it seems I have no further business with her. I did feel it needed a discussion. So I sent out a request via email to talk about our relationship. We'll see what happens from there. She seems to feel because I am having a difficult time with it that it is precisely what I need. I am not entirely sold on that idea. She is getting something out of keeping me in therapy. So she could easily prolong it when really it isn't helpful for me. (At least not with her specifically...) I am not necessarily saying that she isn't right. But I think it is careful to explore these things as objectively as possible and not automatically take someone's word for it, specifically when that person does profit from keeping me there. Or has something to lose from letting me go. And it isn't just the money either. It's a professional blow for her to admit that she isn't right for me. And maybe that isn't what is important to her. But the whole point is I don't trust her. I don't have a relationship with her where there is mutual trust. So this is no exception. Blind trust isn't healthy. So we'll see what she has to say and what my hunch is if we can form a relationship that will be therapeutic. I guess I don't feel particularly attached to continuing especially if there isn't going to be any change. Paying that money and not having any change is pointless. I do believe that it isn't possible to form that sort of a relationship with everyone. So maybe this just isn't right. We'll see. I figure if that is the most of my problems that is good. I feel lonely and am very isolated, but I'm used to that. So it isn't a real problem. So things are going really well in that regard.
Hi Sqirrel,you have been
Hi Sqirrel,
you have been through so much. I admire your tenacity.
re: therapy--have you talked about your theraputic goals? and what type of therapy your tdoc is following?
it may be that she is right, that your current discomfort is actually part of the healing process. what struck me is your comments about her that had to do with attachment. as I am assuming that is one of the issues your are dealing with, it may just be that she is modeling a way of relating that feels different to you, and unattached, relative to what you are used to.
I think it would be very useful to explore your assumption that "therapy is a relationship" with her. it may be that that assumption is part of the over-attachment part of the cycle.
I wouldn't worry about her losing you as a client. Or second guessing her motive. Those issues are her problem. I just wanted to offer another perspective, that you would be, in fact, actually doing the work you need to do by hanging in there with her.
I totally agree that trust takes time... but the flip side of that, is that you have to give it time.
Especially given your previous post, when you seemed to swinging to the "no attachment with anyone" side of the spectrum.
I know from my own experience that finding the middle ground is really hard work. but I feel like you can do it. Don't give up yet.
(((hugs)))
~Indigo
response
Hi Indigo-
Those are good questions. We both agree that the most important thing is a good work ing therapeutic relationship and that without it you can have the greatest expert theory and it won't do shit. We don't have a safe trusting relationship yet cause I can't let anyone in right now. That's what's going on with my therapist. I have been hurt so much that it just makes trust or feeling understood impossible, and I frequently feel she is working against me. I often feel like bailing. It gets to be too much for me and I just want something to make life more tolerable. I haven't bailed yet. But every other therapist I have had, I have bailed out of the relationship. Just as it starts to get close I feel very threatened and can't tolerate it.
I am also super submissive and obedient, so I generally won't say something when I feel she misunderstood me. Then that just leads to a lot of confusion and more hurt. I am working on that.
So that is the attachment piece I think you were referring to. I am not, as of late working on anything clinical in particular, but rather working on relationship struggles and interpersonal distress because that seems to be what is hurting.
Thanks for your questions and response.
Squirrel