I was just getting ready for bed and suddenly had one of those intense “Ahh haa!” moments. I don’t even know what brought this one on tonight but I’ve learned that when stuff in my head suddenly starts to come together like this I need to submit to the experience and go with it because what ever “IT” is, it’s important. I’m crazy tired tonight so this is gonna be short and light here. Well maybe not short; when do I ever write anything short. :P But hopefully light so I can go right to bed after I’m done.

 

As usual, first the background…

 

See that cool looking image on all of my posts? Hmm, this is my blog so you can’t see it here. Damn. Right click on “tarot” just above then left click on “open in new tab” and you’ll be able to see it.

 

Okay, now you’ve seen it. That image is a color altered and black bordered picture of my back. I got that tattoo in mid 2007 when I was starting to develop permanent connections with the parts of me I named Tarot. He’s my internal Shaman of my subconscious - my healer and spiritual connection, the quiet unspoken force that guides me and helps me keep all the other parts of me connected together in balance (I’ve been told that all people who recover from DID have a healer alter like this). Tarot was the force I listened to when I designed the tattoo with the artist and got the tattoo. Getting it just felt *right*. In a way, the tattoo feels like I simply put ink to something that was already there. Up until tonight I’ve always seen it as simply a beautiful outward illustration of who I am.

 

Tonight, however, I suddenly found another understanding and meaning; one I never even realized until tonight.

 

Have you seen the movie Memento? Duh, of course you have. We’re all mad here and it seems everyone who’s mad loves that movie. Remember how the purpose of his tattoos was to help him remember who he is? My “ahh haa” moment tonight was the sudden realization of what Tarot was REALLY doing for me back then. As I now consciously understand, I have such a dangerously fluid and easily influenced sense of self identity that I can easily loose connection with who I really am. My sense of self can constantly change based upon my environment and how I feel at any given moment. Ever since I got this tattoo, when I’m feeling lost or uneasy simply looking at my tattoo for a few moments has a way of helping me feel grounded and centered again. I never really consciously understood why until tonight and now that I do I can sum it up with one phrase – object relations.

 

“Object Relations, in psychoanalysis, the emotional relations between subject and object which, through a process of identification, are believed to constitute the developing ego. In this context, the word object refers to any person or thing, or representational aspect of them, with which the subject forms an intense emotional relationship.”

 

Since I never before knew how to have a stable relationship with myself looking at my tattoo helps reinforce my developing relationship with myself and helps me reconnect to the feeling that I can be my own source of tender, companionate, loving care.

 

Somehow, a deeply buried subconscious part of me understood my problems even back in mid 2007 and gave me guidance on a way to help. All I had to do was shut up and listen. I’m so glad I did.