Wanting to be left alone

Submitted by squirrelABC on Mon, 02/09/2009 - 3:42am

Having some trouble these days. Can't seem to find my bearings. Went away from my therapist and all of my friends. Still having some PTSD reactions to the stuff at work, but mostly I just don't feel safe still. I am giving up on people right now because I feel that no matter how hard I try I can't keep people around. I want to get far far away...somewhere into the mountains, where no one can touch me. Somewhere I can't be reached. I want to be left alone.

bowing to the inevitable

Submitted by catmind on Tue, 02/10/2009 - 12:56am.

Every winter, from before Christmas to after my birthday which falls in January, a time like that arrives whether I like it or not. It started spontaneously decades ago, and at first I didn't understand what was "wrong" with me. Now I plan for it as much as I can. It's my yearly life review, but it's not cold and objective as the term sounds.

If I do my "work" during that time - follow the guidance from within, accept the challenges laid out - many gifts come to me at the end of it and I don't have as many times like that during the year. So I see it as my own Solstice tradition because it is needed but not provided for by the culture I live in, as many ancient and traditional cultures made room for such times. To me it's normal, and the bulk of society is abnormal because they don't value and acknowledge the need for these times apart. I prefer going with the current to fighting it; and the current within is now stronger by far than the outer ones.

I also have times of housecleaning, where friends just vanish. At first it was really distressing. Now I see that it has to happen as I change and grow, and somewhere during each one I recognise that these people don't fit anymore with the person I've become.

Those of us whose only constant truly is change are few in number.

madcatmindlove

Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.
- Ram Dass