Walking the tightrope between sane

And

Supernatural

Ever since I was young, I have been having paranormal experiences. Whether I was scrying into marbles and mirrors, hearing knocking sounds or I was moving things with thoughts, I was just unusual. My imagination even led me by the hand into madness. I have always had this hunch that these experiences have been more than some delusion of grandeur. The following are just notes and journal entries, they helped me cope and relate to how I felt about these experiences, although not as detailed as I’d like them to be they still offer me an outlet. Hopefully you will take something from what I have written, whether about ghosts, telekinesis, human energy, or just the supernatural experience.

April 7 2008

I am not sure what to do. There is something attaching itself to my heart "chakra". I was being drained almost weekly by this presence. It feels like some demonic entity...it seems to also manipulate things. It seems to be able to change things, like sound, and leaves me almost incapable of thinking about it...recently I was reading about demons and things started getting strange, like I've been hearing a lot of crackling noises...I've been being kept awake by stinging feeling in my chest and a feeling of this presence clawing or pulling what I will call my vital force/soul out of me.

I am honestly worried that I may have some negative attachment, which is also accounting for a lot of negative karma too. Because I am an overall very good person, I don't do things wrong and not to the extent that I would have some attachment of evil on me. I need information on what to do. All I can think of right now is converting back to Catholicism...but even so the church is Idolatry to me. I would rather pray to Christ without being in a church; although I find being a Catholic might be supportive...Catholics don't believe in that stuff. I am not crazy either, this energy is negative. Partly I brought it on myself by listening to music with dark undertones....the music has been shifting....has no one experienced this anywhere but here within the confines of this mind?

I notice the water seems to clutch to my skin, the sounds are changing, things keep moving; it’s kind of like chaos is manifesting in my own house, and although the weather of spring has helped as well as the positive prayer, I still have this inkling that something dark is possessing me.
I have switched rooms so a lot of negativity has gone, that room was cold and I am sensitive to the cold. I wonder if it’s possible the demon is trying to make me delirious in order to steal something from me like my soul...It has a strangely strong force of power over me.

I've been reading about mana and how it can be manipulated. I was reading about Death Prayers. So, it is not me being impressionable that is making these things happen. This stuff has been seeking me and I have been seeking out resources to fight this sort of stuff. I was just curious this time when I began reading about the Death Prayers.
I wanted to understand this Death Prayer...well I got attacked with a death prayer last night.
I had the same symptoms described in my book. It was different than usual sleep paralysis or even bouts with this negative thing...

I was reading an occult book called "Magick and Alchemy" and has flipped to the part about Death Prayers and just felt fascinated. I was listening to some music while reading about Death Prayers, feeling sort of inspired. I felt inclined to write it down in my Book of shadows...for future reference I guess...I don't know why I wrote it down, maybe just for informational purposes.

And this is how the curse works: It's an ancient curse most notably known in Hawaii. It’s called the Death Prayer or Hex. Basically, there is an order of Priests. It is this secret Order and they are those who can control spirits. The person who wants to hex someone would first try to hypnotize a priest who could control spirits by putting them under hypnosis through magical spells etc. then they would draw on the priest's mana and use the spirits to dissolve the victims mana. First they would sort of shock them, a sense of guilt is necessary for the spell to work, then the victim would feel a sudden paralysis beginning from their toes to their head as they were paralyzed by this death prayer.

This began happening to me that night..I began feeling this "thing’s” presence...which I can't even really describe well. This presence of muffled whispering, I have some negative entity that attached itself to me, well it was quite intense and it began pulling at my heart chakra, like...dissolving my ....ego?? Something pretty wicked was happening to me.

So I had to fight with it and began praying to God. And then, I felt something slip out of me through my toes, hard to describe. I had to get up at 2:30 and write this down, then I open my New Testament and flipped to a random page which turned out to be "Chapter 2 Outpouring of the Holy Ghost" and I read it...but later I did end up falling asleep and the thing seemed to leave.

I am sure this is some ghost, and it is powerful. I'm getting the chills just now and I was getting them all last night before the paralysis started happening. I don't have epilepsy...I think the problem was that I had actually taken the effort to write the whole explanation of the Death Curse in my book of shadows which is my own personal spell book. I write spells in it too. Ugh, I want this to be over with and I can't stand staying awake one more night...


I'm pretty sure I picked up this negative entity after a stressful period in my life, but it's been haunting me now for over a year. I hate this negative energy. I think a lot of negative energy has its way of manifesting, even when its not coming directly from me. I know that I haven't necessarily invited this ghost in...well...ok I think there was a period of time when I began sort of having a lot of weird things happening that I couldn't explain. But it was all just in my head.

The demons have been forceful, almost like elementals who have been forcing their way into my reality without me being able to stop them.
Or possibly there is an evil entity that is controlling me, perhaps I really am possessed by the devil. Possibly its something more complicated or it’s just my imagination…

I think the demon wants me to have bad karma so I can't defend myself against it. Because when I feel down, guilty, or low then it attacks me.

April 22, 2008

Sometimes magick frightens me because there seems to be no borderline between what's possible and what's impossible. I am a very skeptical person, I sort of have to be. So I think I would like to believe in different paranormal things, almost as if I am being called to that area but perhaps I am not ready- psychologically. Perhaps I am not capable of handling all of the concepts. I have been trying to ease off on all these paranormal investigations. But, I do believe there is some coincidence between these nightmares and a ghost named Sir William who was wounded during the civil war.

I would like to know more, but something holding me back- and that is maybe just common sense, it was just my imagination, my mind making it up. I feel at a crossroads or stuck between two sides- either I am just making this up or there really is a lot of unexplainable things that happen to people- I just don't know of them that well.

 I've had pretty much no paranormal experiences, no ghosts, or astral projections, or lucid dreams. And I even struggle with believing in the afterlife- I am either numb to it or there's something out there. Is this a test? Am I being tested for something? Is this just another trial that I have to accomplish to get to the next level of awareness, to truly see things in a new way?

I found that today I've been really depressed- i haven't slept which is the reason mostly, but also I couldn't find anything occult or new age of any interest- yet I want to be, right now in fact nothing interests me- and I feel my life is pointless and hopeless.

There's no way to get out of here. We're trapped in this world, there's no way out. Why does it seem that i can't do anything- sleep paralysis is as good as it gets. And this demonic force which prevents me from lucid dreams and astral projection it seems, it seems is getting in the way. I feel depressed- yet I know there's no magic pill.

I just wish any of it made sense. I should learn more about meditation, to me it always seems like there's no point. Like you are just sitting or relaxing for a long time not thinking about anything, I've tried listening to tapes and guided meditation and just felt like taking a nap, I find it really boring and I wonder why I can't find anything real in meditation. I would expect some revelation, or some purpose to it.

I tried some online hypnosis recordings and that really helped. I think the way they channeled the stereo made it really relaxing and I felt almost like I was going to float away, that really was helpful to me and would be more likely good for a trance state I think.

I am happy with my life, but I think I seek out some form of paranormal contact or because it's fascinating to me. Also, I am trying to find faith or form my own belief system, but it's just consistently changing because I can't make up my mind on what I believe.

July 29, 2008

Had to get up and post this strange dream I had last night. One of those wake up and think you are awake, then find out it's a dream...dreams.
This was sort of confusing because the dream seemed to have no end. In that the whole symbolism of it was that the dream was creating itself...and creating reality.

It starts out I am in an open barn outside, having a discussion with a history professor I had once about the idea that whatever I said manifested itself in my perceptions. As I was talking I was deep in conversation, a fly buzzed ahead of me. I became the fly.

I am behind the soccer and football stadium near the high school. I am talking to this guy who is comical, a comedian or actor IRL. I tell him I can just sense that there is going to be a riot in this stadium if not tomorrow, the next day. I say that there is going to be a rebellion. This is not a good or bad thing, but a sad thing- it shows the state of things in the school.
This may have represented the public school where I live, it looked much like it. Then I began getting into my theory of relativity with him...then of course "It” happens again, and I begin to transform into the subjects I am speaking about. A fly buzzes around him and suddenly he sees the light, like his vision becomes the fly and he says he believes...before suddenly I become him...

I am waking up from this strange dream in a spacious bedroom. I turn on my computer and there is this program, it's a sound program and all these hz or frequencies are set to what I can only remember as 32:3 ...and as I scroll everything has it. So it becomes my secret code that I am dreaming, and yet the whole idea is that reality doesn't exist? Odd coincidence, I wake up IRL and the clock says 1:32, which is somewhat close...would have been stranger if I had woken up at 3:32. Anyways, it was pretty odd because I become more and more convinced. I finally got to sleep at 3:32 though.


Then, in the dream, there is a chemistry teacher and we are discussing through the people he discussed with about this case...of me sending a threatening video to the school. This reminds me that someone told me I had sent this "letter" to the school. I haven't ever done and always seemed very strange that the Principal accused me of sending them a letter. I was never aware of this allegation. So, this was a video tape that I had sent to the school of this Chemistry Teacher, and it was "Fake" as the Chemistry teacher said" because it would have meant that he had to be there....


'No, but it is not a delusion! Are you supposing that this video is completely manipulated?' The video must have been convincing, then I am there and I see the video. And there is some reason that the video is both real and not real.

But I didn't create it, I merely observe him being watched on this video...and then I see him being dragged on a car through an obstacle course or string of objects- like a washing machine, and so on.

Suddenly I am chased by him off of this string onto a go-cart race-track. I am with Einstein and watching him and a girl, which isn't me...but as they gain on us it IS me...and so I am looking from behind and from ahead at the same person through different perspectives.

The balance was that I was locating myself with the human heart, and then as I grew closer and closer I saw the defining features of me and the person, but the strange thing was I was wearing my blue sweater- so it was me when I was thirteen or twelve. Then, I wake up again and this time I am aware of this thing going on, I make sure my angry dad doesn't notice me.

Then I am getting fearful the scientists are watching me. Hm, then I am in a train station and watching Tori Amos as I hear her voice singing, she walks down this hill like she's walking down memory lane...which is my memory because she goes straight down and makes a left, on 13th Street where I used to go to Catholic School. I was also born on the 13th, on a Friday in January...1/13th. I dunno...there must be some symbolism...because then in the dream I was feeling in a strange state.

I heard my grandma read as I watched her writing a note, "I knew there was something special about that girl."

The strange thing was how real it felt. I being in the fly, and being in the person, and everything feeling so connected. and then seeing myself get closer and closer in the go-carts talking to Einstein about relativity. What was the symbolism of 32:3?

The really odd thing about this dream was that the night before I was reading on Wikipedia how Lucifer translates to "light bearer/ bringer" and associates with the morning star and Venus...and contemplating the meaning of the Universe and such. I had this idea of a lot of it being taken from the Pagan ways. I have been contemplating my spiritual life a lot lately, being brought up in the Catholic faith.

The first thing that pops up when I google 32:3 but didn’t find answers.

Only that this number was associated with a symbol.

32:3 · The Tibetan symbol for the origins of the universe shows a seed of the universe rotating clockwise in the spiral of potential energy. I thought that was odd. So I read further and here is says: "According to the legend he came from the west, was a white man, and wore a beard. According to Aztec astrology he was to return at the beginning of the sixteenth century. Quetztalcoatl is associated with the planet Venus as the Morning star."

It was just what I had been thinking about before going to bed. I also had talked about reincarnation and so I wonder if there is a divine nature to the number correspondence.

Jul 30 2008

We adopted an adorable lab-chow puppy. She is six weeks old, so she's still very small. I am thinking I want to name her Beatrix or Bea for short. I think that would be cute.
Mom's been muttering to herself all day. I don't know what's up with that. I have been reading books: for fantasy I am reading Dracula and Speaks the Nightbird. For other learning: I am reading all sorts of books: Primarily right now Signs and Signals, Enochian Vision Magick, and Native American Medicine.

I haven't been sleeping as well for some reason. I didn't want to go to sleep last night because I knew the apnea would make me experience a frightening sleep paralysis. So, this "shadow" is just another aspect of my mind I guess...or maybe it's just a side-effect of not getting enough sleep...and that's all I really feel like writing about it. I started writing articles for AC associated content, where I might get paid if more people were clicking on my articles.



Backing off the paranormal again, I don't feel grounded enough to get too involved in that area right now. But of course, it will pull me back in eventually.
I just can't wrap my mind around all the thoughts jumbling through my head. The why why why questions get in the way. I think if I just give things space, it will unravel itself over time. But I feel I had a very successful rune reading yesterday, I read for my mother- which started this deep conversation that got a little too deep and intense, which contributed to my loss of sleep last night. My sleep problem is that when I don't sleep, it really throws me off completely.

I have a nice collection of gemstones and crystals. I might still be going to Church. I still haven't made my mind up about that. I just think the problem is, suddenly I was thinking, I want to be Christian again! Then, I started questioning my own faith...and everything that had been read in church...and it just didn't feel perfect to me. Maybe I am becoming a perfectionist.

There is so much darkness in the world, so going to Church really just helps shed some light on things. But when the Priest talked about persecution of the evil ones, then I closed up all the sudden and tensed up, got really nervous...because honestly I feel spiritual...but not into judgment.
My calling is more of a Shamanistic approach to things. Like the idea of serving the earth through communication and symbolism...which sounds a little more like Wicca...because I like the idea of the Nature elements. But then Wicca has become somewhat extreme as well, or was more extreme for me. A little to similar to any religion.

I don't know if religion is even right for me, though I know it's ok to go places and participate in what you believe, if I don't believe it...I am not really being good at practicing my beliefs. It's really nice this morning...I feel uplifted now and that is good.
But I still feel a little dizzy from everything, I honestly don't know what happened. Well. I brewed a really strong cup of Jasmine tea. Like super strong, and despite I don’t know if it even has caffeine in it, I am allergic to caffeine and get bad that way.

I haven't been writing in my journal as often, because I wrote so much online and yet felt not many people replied, and so I feel like I've wasted a lot of potential energy...I have writer's block again. But, I haven't had it for so long which has been great.

uuugh. I don't know what else to post. As for "experiences"? Well, a few coincidences here and there. I was watching a Tori Amos Music Video and projected myself into it and the screen seemed to pixalate? But maybe that was all intentional...hate that I don't know. Some people think this is all a delusion...when I was taking caffeine pills to aid my concentration, weight loss, and fatigue, I verged a little on the manic side- like I was hearing "You are in the matrix" everywhere I went...but the good side is- I think there IS a purpose, however unobvious it may appear to be.

I do think that people have immortal souls. Regardless of what religion, race, ethnicity, identity that they associate with.
Sometimes I feel so lost, like that I have been placed here. When I was little I had more visions, believed in reincarnation, and everything...tell me: What changed?
Something must have changed, because although it's ok right now...something changed in this world that has had some impact on me on parallel levels it feels.
I am going to be looking more into the crystal healing methods. But the idea behind it is a little obscure.
Oh well, it's still worth looking into.

Aug 1 2008

I am considering to stop eating meat. I can't seem to feel "right" eating meat lately. I had quit being vegetarian awhile back, although I haven't eaten meat very much until now. I don't feel that fatigued when I am eating meat, whereas if I don't eat meat enough I feel slightly tired it seems. I think that if I restricted to only fish that would be a healthier choice than eliminating all meats. I just will go back to avoiding most meats.

I am meaning to read GEB (Godel Escher Bach), but haven't gotten in the right mood to get into his book yet.

I finally made up with an old friend after a conversation that had turnd out into a fight.

Feeling pretty aimless today, and no one around me is doing much. There aren't many clubs or anything around where I am.
I really want to write a screenplay, but I'm lacking the focus and will right now. Still waiting for the puppy, it's Friday and they were supposed to come this week, we haven't even been able to reach them.


It was good to finally get a good night's rest. I haven't been sleeping well for awhile. I stay up late for awhile, and then I feel like not sleeping.
The reason is pretty obvious to me in that I have been smoking more than two cigarettes a day. This makes me feel nervous and wired.
But I totally quit on the caffeine.

Ever since I bought this crystal things have been a lot better for me.
I also bought the Crystal Bible, and I often meditate with them and have tried the cleaning methods of running under water and using salt.

August 1st 2008

This was a cool experiment. I got the score of the actual number 35+ on my first run....I had no idea how high the score was or I would have logged it.
It went counter-clockwise for almost the entire time which I had selected/ a full counter-revolution around the clock. Then it all flopped after I tried more times, which proves that it was somehow connected to my mentality.
Now, I can't prove my TK through any video, but on these little sites there seems to be some proof or at least something going on...

I scored 1530 on this TK experiment...I wonder how I would compare to others.
Afterwards it slowly dwindled until I could barely do it and I became impatient.
I notice that the best way for it to work is when I look at the image and not the screen on the empty panel. Also, when I say the color and shape to myself in my head.

Aug 6 2008

I sense a pitfall ahead, as well as general safety and success...an issue unresolved which has not been made clear to me. I sense dangers with broadcasting too much information on internet for privacy reasons. I am too outspoken, how can I be the sage when I am also the hermit? I would rather accept my swords and take the role of judgment and justice...temperance is on my side. As the world's dial is spinning, which way...I feel
Honestly that I am progressing drastically.

I chose: Will over Greed, Love over Emotion and Pain, Kindness over Anger and Rage, etc. The things in my life that have tested me haven't overcome me. I have overcome, and yet I am said to remain patiently and wait. Waiting is what caused all these problems in my life, yes patience, yes this is how the string of events came to be and came to pass. I am maturing and recovering from stressful experiences.

I honestly am worried about my dad's health. And I am worried he will die when I leave home. I know, that is completely unreasonable. I am dependent on him, he is my only person I can talk to about anything and when I leave I won't talk to him other than through email. It will not be the same as when I could just sit down with him while he smokes a cigarette and tell him my goals, plans, stresses. etc.

The thing is I am at a crossroads: Film School? I will have losses, first of all I will become successful and gain lots of money. But it will be a greater struggle than plan B: Boulder CO and Naropa, where I can have an activist education and WRITE! Suddenly I had given up on writing and thought VISUAL yes that's where I should be, visual arts and film and cinematography...and suddenly all I want to do is write. Why am I full of so many contradictions, why am I such a flip-flop. Well, if my friend comes with me I am going so no matter what. I will attempt this, as more and more unrealistic it sounds. I also have the impression "Bloom where you are planted, immerse yourself in community affairs, work without need for instant gratification." Is this school really going to help me resolve the situation of MONEY, SUCCESS, ART, DESIRES, in other words: What IS my true dream?

I wish a tarot card could tell me, but this is just far too complex. I need destiny to unravel before I make the move. How?

God, I am so lost.

Aug. 7th 2008

So my new way of looking at things:
Almost anything is possible. It is through fate, destiny, chance, karma, spiritual compassion, lessons, and etc. that we can experience the realms of the mysterious....chances are if you see a ghost, there was a reason for it. Because your individual path has been designed for you by "God" for lack of a better name. Mother Universe, Mother Nature, she plays a role in the path to our destiny. I think that everyone has a path, and a destiny. But their are influences on what path you chose and choose. And having a path doesn't mean you have a good one. Some people have entirely evil notions and have led countless lives sequencing evil actions...their path becomes evil. But in essence, to find your true path....that is if you have gotten lost, you must look around you and experience what you have learned from the path you've traveled. If it seems like this path is walking the way of the earth, you will never fail, always succeed, and in the right ways.

That is just this sort of epiphany I had yesterday.

My Life has been pretty laid back as well...I wrote two articles for associated content. One is in progress of being published. I have already had an upfront payment of three dollars, which is good for my first two weeks and second article.
My next two articles include: "Nature of Alzheimer's" and "Financing a Small Business" so I feel like a freelance writer...but am not quite there yet.
Film is my true passion, I am pretty sure of this, I just have got to get there and do it! Yesterday I consulted my crystal ball, and asked well meditated on going to LA and studying film. The answer was, yes yes yes! A definate yes! Intuitively, as if this will change my whole life around...like a total revolution for me....

August 9, 2008

Things are going well, questions go unanswered...I am unsatisfied...and I know why, the answers just aren't enough, they don't seem real and I don't know how I can exist on this earth without their being proof.

August 14, 2008

I did some divination with my fairly old deck, The Astro Mythological Parlor Game. Once given as presents to the Napoleon lineage. I played the game of patience, it's pretty confusing, the whole book has very complex methods. The cards have astrological, herbal and flower, animal, zodiac, and their general meanings.

Well, I tried it...it was interesting. You are supposed to try and see if the letters on the cards make out words. I asked about the move, and it seemed I got fairly interesting results. I didn't bother with the Pythagorean alphabet correspondences because it was all so confusing and overwhelming. Probably why it never gets good reviews. But it is a cool game, I think it would be more fun as an actual parlor game and not used for divination...as the rules are silly, you could make up your own.

I probably will, sometime.

I got the words: dice, nice, die, give, given, medicine, joy, brave, pray, and a few other words in them...and I didn't bother interpreting each of the 28 cards individually, too complicated and confusing...but it seems that it was saying "Yes. Cultivate a good foundation, growth through responsibility, and monetary gains, as well as a lack of love... but that that would be overcome. I think it was a yes. I need to practice this method, I should have done the five card method. Where the two cards on right have to do with business, the two on the left with desires that affirm the middle card..which give clarity to the whole picture. The cards are from the 1800's so they are maybe one of the firsts to be printed and distributed, originating in France by Mlle Lenormand.

I'm not feeling so great today, I was feeling very wired yesterday from coffee...so I haven't slept. I probably need to take a nap but I can never sleep unless it's late.


oooh I found someone who makes spirit boards....maybe I'll make my own first though. I can't get them to work...haha.

Thomas and the Cross


I had given up on my notions of "there must be scientific reasoning behind this." Thomas was really trying to tell me something, but what was he trying to tell me? I couldn't keep on ignoring him. I had to find out what it was he needed to tell me...or what he wanted from me.
Things had been going on for quite some time. It all had started around the time I had been trying to get over a death in the family. I have always been fearful of death. After the death of my great grandmother and my aunt who I had also been close to, I felt as if I had become cut off from everyone around me. I cried and cried over my Aunt Rachel, and over my Great Grandma who had Alzheimer's; Who had died in a nursing home far from where I lived at the time.

It was a sunny afternoon one day, and we were exploring in a sort of indoor flea market; it was more like a large thrift store. In this store there was one section with witchcraft items: voodoo dolls, bags, incense, perfume, amulets, and necklaces. Being impressionable at the time, I was instantly drawn to this medium sized object....and I can't even write it without having trouble putting it....because of how it seemed to affect me. The object was a coated pewter cross. It came with a circular design and tiny holes in it spiraling to the left. The cross was Celtic and there was a tag attached to each item. This one was said to be "The bridge between the human world into the other-realm"...how strange, and maybe it was the tag that attracted me. Most likely it was, yes.

I started wearing it the day after I bought it. But, the tag had triggered something in me...had reawakened this craving. I had wanted to communicate with the dead so drastically that I prayed, meditated, and even used my Ouija board. I used my Ouija board as if I was ET trying to phone home.. I sort of disassociated myself from reality in that way, in order to receive some sort of spiritual guidance and to connect. So the pain and fear of death would leave me. I danced and sang along to Kurt Cobain....thinking I could bring him back somehow. And always, I kept the cross close to my chest.

After these experiences things started getting really weird. First off: I had become very attached to my cross. But, people kept blaming me for objects getting in places where they shouldn't be and no one in the house could explain it. Then, my precious jewelry and an angel penny that was very personal to me, vanished in one instant. How did it happen? I remember that I had set it in a specific spot where I could see it, then came back in two minutes...it had completely vanished...

Honestly, more and more weird things happened and I started getting paranoid to the extent that I couldn't trust anyone....I was attached to my Celtic cross...and knew that no matter what happened, the cross would carry me to the afterlife. HOW WRONG I WAS! That idea was just evil.
After awhile, I don't think it happened right after I bought it, but the cross caused chest pains that were so emotionally damaging that I tried to ignore it, and wore it. I thought the heavens were testing my faith. I bore the cross, but the pain worsened into a more psycho-spiritual pain. It was aPhysical, Emotional, and Spiritual depression.

I never invited this evil in, it really manipulated me with its malice.
So I had been a bit too spontaneous and chaotic. I know that. And, I wasn't being careful. But are there really entities as evil as this? Preying on those who are suffering loss?


It got worse when I began having vivid dreams of this spider with orange flaming eyes. He laughed at me and taunted me...then the spider began to grow until it was giant. To my family it could have only been described as a nightmare.
But they worsened. They turned into tactile hallucinations, seeing shadows, hearing some voice whispering a name, constant sleep paralysis, prickling feelings. I was obviously very sick.

Curiosity got the better of my instincts, when I decided I would try and do an Electronic Voice Recording or even just take some pictures of the cross with my Sony HandyCam. I wanted to capture something. I needed an explanation to why my camera's light kept flickering, or the feathers on my dream-catcher that were moving without a cause. What happened shocked me out of my senses. After I uploaded the only pictures I had taken of my celtic cross in its own individual folder I saw three images of a young girl. The young girl, maybe 12, was smiling...but the images were strange. As if they had been taken without her knowing it. As if someone had been watching her without her knowing. I deleted them immediately.

A long time later, the girl appeared to me in an intense sleep paralysis where this creature, who I can only describe as a tiny black troll-like creature...with long claws...he dug into my ankles and I pleaded, then it stopped and I saw the girl...paler than I had seen on the pictures. Yet everything I had to dismiss because it was killing me, really, it was killing me internally.

The chest pains worsened. They were tingling feelings, pressure as if my veins were being picked at. I was delusional....or was I?
I kept hearing things, My Name is Thomas

I would wake up screaming. Once from seeing these reflections of two boys, with one who had said "...I just want you to know, that my name is Thomas."

I had to get rid of the cross! And I did get rid of the cross eventually. I even tried to exorcise it, and now I have no idea where it is. Was the cross responsible? Or was the cross the trigger to the gun? The paralysis still continued on for over two years later. More than three times a month became more than three times a week! This shadow tormented me, laughed at me, but it was a hallucination...nothing more....nothing more until finally I had this epiphany, so I searched through all the details through the internet and in books. After my extensive research I changed my mind, for every approach sounded dangerous and might be damaging to me.

I immersed myself in the Occult once again: to find answers. Only, this time I explored it in a healthy way. I found faith again in life over death. I would never let the pain win over me...my soul...my life.

It was three years after I purchased this cross that I had a very vivid dream. It was after another dream assault from the shadow-man. Right after the beast had released his grip upon me, in this dream was of a man who I can only describe as a soldier in Uniform, with a rifle close to his side, and his left leg in a cast. I saw his name spelled out before me, "Sir Thomas Dale" . There he was in a cast on a cot, and said. "Wait! I know what you are going through because I suffered through it for years during the great ....war.." Well, I believe somehow his karma and his war experiences related to me. But I have no idea how it would make sense. What astounded me was that he appeared to be trying to help me, while on the other hand it appeared to me the alter ego of the demon itself!


The nightmares stopped around June 2007. I sought advice and it was explained that I was merely experiencing the "Hag Attack Syndrome"...but I believe there was more to this than symptoms of the sleep paralysis. What about the real sole cause of the paralysis?
It has almost completely gone away, although, I laid off on the occult, tried to forgive him, prayed, and even have a collection of gems and crystals that protect me. Ultimately, though, he may be an imprint, a ghost, or at this point a demon. I do think that the Arch Angel Michael is responsible for healing me from this. I have prayed to him, as well as sometimes in archaic words and phrases through dreams. I am from West Virginia and have a long line of ancestors who've lived here since it was settled, so this seems a bit too much of a coincidence.

I am almost positive that that was him: Sir Thomas Dale!
One big reason would be the whispers: "My name is Thomas
My name is Thomas...."




I have been healed of the sleep paralysis. Although, sometimes the weight sometimes seems to be present, I feel I am banishing the spirit who attached to me on subconscious levels. I no longer suffer sleep paralysis since restoring my faith in Christ-Consciousness, and in the Goddess, Gaea.
When I reconnected to my roots, and prayed to my ancestors, I learned. I finally have found faith but it has been a difficult journey through darkness. I never knew that a restless ghost could endanger a person in so many ways. Often, I would wake up in a sweat, "My name is Thomas" the ghost would whisper. As I let him get to me, the fragment became malicious, almost like a little troll. I felt it scrape its claws into my ankle, and it bothered me extremely. Demons are confusing, and there are no logical concepts as of yet to put them into a certain place. I don't think all demons who were banished, were banished on purpose.

Thomas, symbolizing maybe the Doubting Thomas appeared to me one night as two young twins. The twins were watching me, and simultaneously projecting a dark entity into my dreams, could this be a symbolic manifestation of my own doubt? wow. I haven't really thought of that till now, because as well as overcoming negativity have I overcome my own fears as well as best as I can. Thomas, was a lesson to me. A lesson from the Cosmic laws which no human can defy.
There is a "truth" that came to me the other night as I fell asleep. "Yes, there is a one truth" So maybe there is a one truth. Maybe I was wrong by doubting those who had said that there is one truth. For I have learned now the spiritual lessons. Pure darkness, even pure pain, even pure fear and death is something we can overcome if we try...and if we don't have the chance to try we should be given the chance. Everyone should have a million chances so that they can accomplish their truth. The shadow of Thomas evolved, he also has said his name was "Lucifer" and also that he killed "Rachel" and called me Rachel. Rachel is an aunt of mine who died in a car crash when I was younger.

Perhaps, a lot of this is metaphor that I have taken too seriously. I tried giving advice, but perhaps I should not dig deeper, but take this not at face value, but on a different personal level. I am too open, yes, I had intentionally tried to channel dead spirits through me. So I awakened Thomas, but Thomas was a lesson to me not to mess with the dead. This, through faith and modesty, is something I have learned. You know, you can contact loved ones if you do it right.
But trying to contact someone like Kurt Cobain because you are depressed about death could only bring darkness, also his death circumstances were deep...

Yet with others, such as Heath Ledger, I keep him in my prayers. I have never tried to contact him but see his face above me angelically at times. This to me is a sign that I was right in praying for him, by not falling for the hype, because Hollywood can really wreck people's lives. I don't know if it was intentional, i feel that it was not intentional actually, as if he would want to tell me this. No, it was not intentional. He did not purposely kill himself. I wish people knew that.
And yet, his death stirred me on a level to connect with an aspect of divinity within myself. This is all so very deep.

I contacted a spirit last night, meditating on incense. The incense was swirling about in a way that only could mean a presence, as well as I felt cold across my cheek. I know that is a sign, but it was not a bad one, this one was good. I knew it, I could tell. There is safety first, when contacting spirits. If in the future I were to ever truly want to get involved with contacting spirits, I would have to do it out of good faith in some higher power. My Arch Angel is Raphael.
My Guardian is St. Michael too I believe...I have neglected Raphael and Uriel, both are my angels as well.

Gabriel has distanced from the demon. I believe Angel Gabriel to be more peaceful, and too peaceful to be able to protect me enough. He may meditate on things, but Michael had the strength to wrestle the demon metaphysically. Yeah, I am pretty spiritual and yes I am a bit all over the place.

But I love the spirit, and earth, and all of its mysteries as well as its simplicity.

Aug 16 2008

I have not had much luck even getting my board to work. I have excellent luck with Rider Waite cards, Runes, I Ching cards & you name it. I also have the Astro-Mythological Tarot Deck by Mlle Lenormand. I cannot for the life of me find any information online or anywhere else other than this tiny beaten book that came with the deck. It was given as a gift to me as well as the Napoleon lineage as it says in the front of the guidebook. The game of patience is confusing as are the aphorisms and astrological correspondences. The Tarot Cards would make a great parlor game but are these cards useful in figuring out past lives and names? The associations are endless: numbers, flowers, astrological, animals, dates, images, and letters...each card has an individual letter to it. The deck fascinates me because it has so much to it.

Today I attempted to use them and once again I spread them out and felt a little overwhelmed. I didn't get any of their correspondences it seemed. I wanted to know about the person I intuitively felt was a young girl named Alyssa Moraine who may have been in some string of events, and also had something to do with my purpose. She was born on April 25th and died in the 21st century. These are basically assumptions. I spread out the cards and it related to 1.Good fortune 2.Betrayel 3. Love 4. Joy 5. Unexpected Gift. It is hard to use these cards and I am a novice. I spelled out CNIVE. I thought at first glance...looks like Knife. That worked in the Pythagorean Alphabet. And then I found it to correspond to FORGIVEN. All the numbers worked out perfectly more-also knife...and I assumed live or life might work, but I put them away after that.


Tomorrow we are going to the funeral of Michelle. I don't know how I will handle the emotion.

Aug 17 2008,

Juno woke me up this morning at 2:30 am and I hadn't gotten much sleep. I think that Michelle would have wanted me at her funeral, but that it would just be stressful to go four hours to this funeral & with all these people I don't know anymore. I think that mom wanted to go on her own, and she seemed upset so I think if we were fighting then it would just make everything turn out the wrong way. Plus, my mom has been saying things all over the place. I was only seven when I knew her and she is already in my prayers.

I gave myself a reading this morning. I did the St. Brigid's Cross spread with ten cards. Every card fell in the upright position. The spread was for incarnations in the past, present, and future. In the beginning was my karmic debt: The Hanged Man. I keep touching butterflies, Juno seems to attract them.
Butterflies have become very symbolic to me, as they represent the cycle of rebirth.

August 21st 2008 Thursday::: Readings
I Ching-- Question: What is my destiny? Answer: Card 10. Ch'ien above Tui Below. Great Yang. Month of June. Success in pursuit of ambitious endeavors.
Treading Carefully. Conduct. He treads his accustomed path, if he goes forward then no error.

Runes-- Question: What will happen if I move to LA? Answer: 1.Overview= Defense 2.Challenge= Separation. 3. Action= Standstill
1. Action= Separation 2. Problem= Constraint. 3. Overview= Possessions Reversed

1. Overview= Possessions
2. Challenge= Breakthrough
3. Action= Defense
4. Sacrifice= Standstill
5. New Situation= Signals Reversed

1. Overview= Initiation
2. Challenge= Possessions reversed
3. Action= Movement
4. Sacrifice= Gateway
5. New Situation= Breakthrough


AstroMythological-- Should I move to LA and California for this school?
5 Card Reading
Answer: 1. 8 of Clubs/D 2. Queen of Hearts/E 3. 8 of Diamonds/ A 4. King of Diamonds: T 5. 6 of Clubs/ H
DEATH
1. Marriage and Choices and the necessity for a mixture. One picture is without marriage and One on right is with: A Happy Marriage
2. Despite Good Will you need protection from weakness. Young girl chooses between a frivolous society and a wise society.
3. Effort for a job. An orphan is given a home. You will manage a better position.
4. The Island of Rhodes is to be devastated by Serpents. Help from a stranger in accordance with needs.
5. Warning of detriment, self neglect, madness. Look for the talisman of the sun and achieve distinction.

#=43 in Pythagoras
1 month or so until something happens.

August 23 2008
I bought my new crystal at a local shop in town. The crystal was shipped from Afghanistan. This crystal already has brought me more peace and I believe there is something collective about the power of crystals.
It is not just the power of intention, but the objects themselves can carry intentions for you when you can't. The blue symbolizes spiritual purity.
I believe it was a blessing, and I think it was also something that was meant for me to have.

Since I bought the crystal, it seems like my life is getting back on track. I notice that the power of intention and symbolism
can heal various issues, or spiritual ones that people can have. If you are at a crisis of faith, sometimes it takes faith in something objective- to strengthen your unity with your inner power. In other words, I think I have finally found my power object. There is nothing actually magick about it, other than I feel a sense of passion for this object without a sense of discernment or necessity. It is freeing in this culture of materialism.

Power objects come in all forms: The Cross, The Ankh, the Egg, The Spiral, Celtic Designs, etc. They help you reach a higher power within yourself.
There is nothing dark about loving an object for what it represents to you, and you can give any meaning to an object. I have let go of the old object, that one that I picked up at the thrift store that had such negative vibes of mysteriousness, because I have a new one and this one isn't cursed.

The cross had a symbolic meaning, I don't know why it felt cursed. But this blue crystal means something else to me other than all this craziness...Healing.

Nov 10, 2008

In my tarot readings, I seem to be getting a straightforward pattern. I'm really trying to learn from them...I used Rider Waite, animal medicine cards, astrological cards, etc... one is that the hanged man always fall somewhere in the middle of the reading. The knight of Swords I am getting constantly!
also the emperor is apparently in my future, which is my birth card too and also George Bush's card apparently...dunno why.

Well awhile ago I pulled five random cards out of my Mlle Astrological Deck, one of those really ancient confusing decks. the cards have letters at the top right hand corners. ok so I pull them, first card 1 has D, card two has E card three has A, card four has T, card five has H....and that's it. DEATH. Also I keep getting death in other readings. so DEATH DEATH DEATH, and it does sort of freak me out. It was also before a friend of my mom's funeral, but it was about me....and the other thing is....whenever I give my father a reading, it's always always always just like mine....I just can't get over my fear of it, does it really mean death. And what are the chance the first five cards I pull spell death. Not to mention crows circling on the tree above our house and things...I think that it is an omen??? I keep seeing the same cards.


hanged man, death, knight of swords etc. well…a definitive pattern.

Nov 12, 2008

I’m considering joining the Unitarian Universalists. I have had lots of feelings that this is right for me, and yesterday someone suggested I go to belief.net and try the belief o matic. I scored 100 percent Unitarian Universalist, and Catholicism score much much lower. I'm going to a wedding in Texas on this weekend. My cousin is getting married, just as soon as he joined the military which seems odd. But I still support him even if I am too pacifist to support warfare or even the death penalty, death penalty is a tough one in some cases, but I still don’t support it..majority of people who get it are black and many are wrongly accused.
I've been down the past few days, must be the cold weather. I bought a book on Guardian Angels.

November 21, 2008

Summary of Cross Issue

I have had some encounters with negative spirits, sadly, after buying a cross at a kind of odd section of this indoor garage where they sell items. It had a tag attached to it that read something, "the key to the otherworld" or some nonsense. I had nightmares for two years, from this attachment; well it's been resolved through prayer, and mostly of all through angel Archangel Michael.

I remember in a dream, where I was psychically attacked and physically felt the attacker that I felt Michael swoop down and land, his toe banishing the negative, and it was like he has been depicted, although I had not researched much beforehand. And I felt very frightened and drained after I get attacked in these dreams.

He wrestled with the dark ghost, a ghost that is a soldier who I believe died in Antietam, near where I live. The cross I might want to describe, it's pewter and a Celtic one, it's somewhat large and on a necklace. It must have activated it.. I have no idea where it is right now, but I banished it (out of sight out of mind) by putting it away.

I have recently begun to tell a few people, I even randomly told the guy working at a nearby shop. And he said that it was a ghost, that he could see ghosts "unfortunately" and that it was looking to be redeemed. I have no idea why it would attack me if it wanted to be redeemed.

The story gets odd when this man from out of the blue sends me a message that he wants to marry me. He's a poet and on his website there's a picture of Sir Colonel William...just like from this vision I had of the ghost, in uniform in a blue uniform. This man who wants to be in love with me has a strong energy to him.

"Col. William H. McCorkle my Great Great Great Grandfather fought and was wounded slightly at Antietem. He Returned to York and lived to be an old man. He died in 1904. “

I think that the spirit attachment is strange.

I have always been sensitive to spirits, I sought out spirits to try and appease my questions, and am partly to blame for accidentally releasing a very very harmful and bad spirit. But I think it's gone now. I don’t know if this makes sense at all, but I do believe the angels did have some help in resolving it, and have been working with me.

I have trouble thinking, if it's psychological...which is what a lot of people would say. But so are a lot of things, metaphysical stuff that happens. The thing that makes me know, is how random it is, I would be sitting on the bed and suddenly yanked into paralysis. I usually don't talk to people who give me the bad vibes, so I could understand if this story might bother you.

I don't know how to explain it, but I feel very restricted by the darkness...it seems that I started carrying such a negative vibe that people picked up on it...so maybe, like, a spirit-attached itself to me.

I have banished it, for quite some time I haven't had experiences or nightmares, in fact I surround myself with light and love, also started treating depression. This is also a big problem, the negative ghost depressed me so intensely that he controlled my emotions etc. So much that I had to fight to remain, stable.

I am treating depression, so it's like a have this light shining in for a few seconds while I figure out what's going on, but it will not be long before possibly this ghost...could...get stronger or something. He seems to be evolving and I do not know his intentions whether power hungry or seeking redemptions but seems to be very dark and willing ill. Like, I guess when I have the dreams...it's both physical and I experience paralysis. I had one where, he scratched my ankles...but this was different then the ghost, almost...possibly, I know too many questions: can a ghost become a demon? Can they break free from evil intentions? How do demons go back to their original good intentions. I know I can' redeem him, but he seems to have been feeding on negative energy, gotten very sick...and evolved into a dark negative entity.

 
Is there anything I can do to really welcome the angels into my life? Is there a certain thing I can do to learn to shield, I picked up Hands of Light and I'm looking into the human energy body, and trying really hard to fight the darkness, I don't know if it's from me, or this "Him".

November 30 2008

Had another dream about these dark things, after-all I have been writing about it again. I was lying in bed when this invisible half cat, half troll crawled up onto me from a shadow, and bit into my neck and began draining me as if it were draining my power from me. This is why I don’t like dark stuff, because it bothers me more than anything.

On the flip side, if I am ever to break through I must defeat and overcome the darkness so that I have balance. Last night I was looking at the alarm clock: it said 7:49 and then suddenly 8:00. It is so strange when time shifts like this, but it’s all just a coincidence. Or is it?

This concludes my journal of reflections in 2008.