(excerpts and edited for a general audience)

Am unsure what to call you these days and likely will fall back on the most familiar and heart-ful.

Am awake early this morn (about 7am)
(...)(skipping over several pages)
Wanted to touch on my general bad vibe towards you during your last visit, Dad. Only by the end did i catch myself disdainfully reckoning you just as C, here, has so oftenly reckoned upon me!

Only the last nite, as i watched you speak towards that canadian man as you two sat in the motel jacuzzi (and i sat in the sauna), did i return to my spiritual position regarding your way towards "strangers". Do you remember how i framed you/it? As "the Life of the party!"

Not perfect, but "perfectly imperfect". {and definitely more meaningful than the way most in our family frame him!}

As i sat watching you from my sauna angle, i took in an angle on you i have not often seen: without your spectacles and from 3/4 behind. Your Irish certainly showed, for one.

And with this, including my earlier 'high' intuitions and spiritual enquiries, i further cemented my feeling that the normified social attack against your intuitive fre-form organic great spirit (tho certainly affected by your own life lived from within the patriarchally colonial system).

Fine-tuning desired, yes (by me, especially). {note on margin: i'm not seeking to judge you! But get at some grist! ...}

See, if you fine-tuned your approach, you could hook not only Mom's attention, but many other family whose attentions have been so deeply and heavily propagandized by patriarchal war machine (a.k.a. chain-of-command) mind. i'll go into this later.

But first, i want to point out possible road blocks. For one, your own exasperation with all of these others (including society, and possibly even your negative (?) expectations with the strangers you seek to truly speak with); your own taking (of THEIR MISERABLE MIND-SET, they symptomology--their) stuff personally!

My sober intuition says that as surrounded as you are by "misery loves company" and people whom've been socialized and programmed and conditioned to conform to Given Norms (a.k.a. The Orders by Society's meta game) like these, well, they're having an effect on you! And you're starting to drown.

Drown? Drown in the cynical assumptions you're making/firing at me, for one. Becasue I think you're starting to believe all those cynical things you project towards me and originally seem to have come up with!

Maybe it's all about your unconscious (?) champion way to provoke me into having this kind of dialogue with you--beyond mere social "norm" impositions which you've spoken of despising???

So i had to "perfectly imperfectly" take steps away from  you, i guess, to "feel you" and what's going on with you of late.

And in writing this down i now see that's part of why i was so snide with you much of the time, i.e. in just how i reacted to your seemingly "out of control" anxieties and army-like (???) cynical bullshit (that you were firing off so seemingly irrationally so often on this last visit).

Basically, i found myself wearing Mom's possible method. That 'misery-loves-company'-alienated-cynicism she seems so comfortably numb with.

That's as best as i can rite now ascertain, anyway!

Sure, i COULD easily get stuck in the apparent 'co-dependent' SYMPTOMS you both were arting so much around me, with. I could
shake my head and fall back on how i've been programmed to ascertain you, my parents, as such. But i guess i'm "too smart" for that, eh?

I call it not "smart" (as if to fool you, et al), but about radical empathy.

So i prefer to "look you both" in the context of "a system" and see in the meta. Scientisticly, if you will. Two allegedly tiny persons swept up in the current of the alienated consequences of an over-arcing system that is way too off-balance

(Koyanisqatsi-style), way too patriarchicly-centric, way too severely alienated from its own subjects (in the context of the triumph of the Martial tribal mentality) to be of any value organicly--as in sustainability in any meaningfully human way.

In the context of the needs of a war-stuck society, such a system "works" (we can go into the insights this can lead to which i've touched on from time to time with you another day). And Mom can increasingl;y feed her alienation programming by secluding herself even from  you; and eventually the rest of us. Just as she has already done with her eldest grand-daughter!

In other words, Mom (and most the rest of the biological family, as well as most of the rest of the larger heavily propagandized society!) is caught up in Hell --to use the "best" metaphor i can think of.

And the only way to avert this mind-lock?

You've said it yourself in your own particular poetic sporting approach: improvement.

Except you've seemingly gotten stuck in merely the material. As if material wealth is more meaningful than the bogey i've long aimed for (and have been finding various levels of success with): psychological and psychic health and wealth; albeit radically (a.k.a. decolonizing).

For Mom (and families, as mine are more than biological), improvement is found by our example. Our HOLDING OUR OWN. Our gaining rare insights. Via whatever means that our creative intelligence can decipher!

{i quote some Lakota wisdom here}

So maybe my writing is a bit puzzling to you, today. Good!!!

I rather feel that this letter is a metaphorical sports match i'm challenging you to. Whose prep, at this end is...of a kind that few colonially-challenged subjects can allow themselves to understand, much less seriously consider!!!

(...)

So if we are to wear the excellence of the Christian method (as you seem open to, tho i could well have misunderstood), and listen and wonder at the meaning of how one enters heavenish (as "little children" or "child-like") then it is this side i wish to enhance as much as i can, with my seeing gifts.

(...)

So i'm thinking that you are getting caught up in the misery-loves-company tar-quarry with all your poking and provoking-like assumptions and projections. Onto me. Onto others. Onto so many.

{i then go into discussing a subject that continually comes up in our family and another way i've been learning to re-look it; as a bit off-tuned poetic metaphor and practice of pre-colonilized organic value. In terms of one who intuitively leans towards meaningful community building and How Men Are Ordered to Act within Society's Meta Game. The thought of a certain anti-authoritarian feminist taught me much on this one!}