THE CRITTER CRUSADES

June 18, 2007 - A Medieval Scourge Has Descended Uponeth Me!

Maybe this is some kind of bizarre test. This spring has beset me with a succession of of petty nightmares of a type designed to induce madness even in the hardiest of souls.

Friends going into emotional collapse, one after another. Ugly crank phone calls. Various manifestations of officialdom sniffing up my butt for most of the month of June.

And now to top it all off, I've been hit with a pestilence that until just a few years ago seemed to be merely the stuff of fifteenth-century mythology.

Bed bugs.

Ugly, bloodthirsty little creepy-crawlies have suddenly appeared (literally) out of the woodwork and seem determined to make a midnight snack out of Yours Truly as soon as I lay my head down in pursuit of those elusive forty winks.

I've suspected for several weeks that certain forces were aligning against me... but in the past few days I've found myself facing a war of Biblical proportions. The little monsters have existed in my building for several years but miraculously I've been left alone - until now. It seems that my luck has finally run out.

What a nightmare for an insomniac. This seems like the ultimate cruel irony. Especially since it's now too hot most of the time to hope for much sleep during daylight hours. (B.B.'s are primarily nocturnal).

The literature claims they aren't dangerous... at least not physically. But enough of this nonsense would send someone over the edge in very short order.

Spent this early morning pushing two large pieces of furniture out to the curb (while it's still relatively cool - today's going to be a scorcher) and next on the agenda is a ruthless purge of the contents of my closet along with what promises to be a record-breaking laundry session. (Note to myself: remember to buy a roll of Loonies next time I visit the bank).

And now for the fun part - arranging for an exterminator to visit. Oh, joy.

I like having strangers traipsing through my life and living space about as much as I like having God(dess) knows what toxins being sprayed about the area that I sleep in. Which, needless to say, is not at all.

Bed bugs are a lot tougher than humans. If whatever chemicals that will soon be ejected into my quarters will kill them, I don't want to imagine what they might do to my own body over time. Gahhh...

Then there's the burning question - why, in just the past five years or so, has this scourge which had practically faded into ancient legend suddenly re-manifested itself in such pervasive fashion? Even five-star hotels are finding themselves overrun - it ain't just us po' folk who are serving as fodder for these carnivorous insects. (At least bed bugs are equal-opportunity parasites).

Is it what we are collectively doing to the planet that is causing these historical ills to re-develop? Gaia's revenge manifest in the form of a tiny bloodsucker?

I have to wonder about what might be coming next - and the prospect frankly terrifies me. History has an unfortunate habit of repeating itself and human stupidity apparently has no bounds.

This one appears to be something that humankind has visited upon its own foolish self. As holds true for the recent mass die-off of bees and the plagues of other unsavory creatures such as Japanese long-horned beetles, the bed bug re-emergence is a definite sign of an ecosystem on the verge of a crash.

It's not nice to fool Mother Nature. Indeed.

Stay tuned...

June 18, 2007 – The Bed Bug Wars - Update

My place is being sprayed on Wednesday. Even the property manager was scratching her head over this approach since all it will probably accomplish is to send the varmints scurrying over to the adjacent units. She feels (and I concur) that if spraying is to be the solution, the entire building needs to be hit at the same time.

I'm well into the laundry end of things along with vacuuming up scads of dust-bunnies as I begin to move the furniture about. (That's another issue with these units - DUST!!!) I've got a jury-rigged sleeping arrangement set up, consisting of an inflatable camp mattress I found @ Goodwill a while back along with a clean comforter.

I've established my temporary base camp across the unit from where I normally sleep. Hopefully it will take a while for the creepy-crawlies to catch on. It's actually not too uncomfortable but I'm missing my beautiful plump futon. Well, maybe on Wednesday night I can reclaim it, complete with a freshly washed slip-cover, clean sheets and (best of all) no critters. Wish me luck!

Tonight the laundry gets finished except for the fall/winter stuff which I'm double-bagging for now. I'll deal with it at a more sedate pace over the next few days once it cools off a little. I've done about eight big loads of wash today. Coin-o-Matic is gonna love me. Enough for now!

Tomorrow, the mission is to cadge several boxes from No Thrills and pack 'em with some stuff that I had stacked on the floor and in a couple of cabinets - some books, papers and assorted other odds and sods. After that I finish rearranging the furniture, pile everything loose in the middle of the apartment and store all my dishes and food behind closed doors in anticipation of a visit by the man with the little tin can with the nozzle on it.

This whole snafu reminds me painfully of moving into a new place, even though I'm actually going nowhere. I find there's there's something vaguely traumatic about even a faux move. There's this horrible sense of disconnection and loss of place that comes with it. In my case at least it's transient.

More to follow...

June 19, 2007 – SHIT!!!

Do you want to hear the latest? I'm fuming. This is ridiculous.

I've spent the past two days doing non-stop laundry - twelve loads worth! I've washed literally every stitch of clothing I own. All my clothes and bedding are now in garbage bags, all my furniture pushed out from the wall, no room for me to move around, and I'm sleeping on a makeshift pallet under the window until my bed can be de-critterized. My whole body hurts and I think I've lost several pounds since the weekend. (This kid definitely needs to get more exercise!)

And then this afternoon a second notice was pushed under my door saying that the pest control guy now won't be coming until (drum roll, please) next Monday, June 25 - six days from now.

I have to live for the next close to a week in an apartment which looks as though it took a direct hit from a severe storm, all my clothes double-bagged to protect 'em... and the goddamned bed bugs still partying hearty on my ticket. This is enough to gag a maggot.

There's no justice in the world. GRRRRRRR..................................................................

June 24, 2007 -  The Bed Bug Wars - Tomorrow, the Battle!

So finally tomorrow, (with luck) the full frontal assault commences on the beasties.

Somehow I managed to get my futon off the deck so it can be fumigated (ever try to make a futon stand at attention agin' the wall? Good luck!) by tenting the thing over a couple of kitchen chairs. As a result of this arrangement I'm now sitting on one of the plastic bags containing my clean laundry in order to write at the 'puter. It's actually fairly comfortable but if I move too suddenly I'm apt to go ass over teakettle.

The critters have mainly stayed away from my base camp aside from a straggler or two. Maybe they don't like the rubberized nylon pad I've been sleeping on for nearly a week now. I'm Billy-be-frigged if I'm going to spend the rest of my nights on this thing, though!

More bitter irony... if things had happened according to original plans I would have had several lovely, 21-degree days to set things right after the spraying. At it now stands, we're looking at daytime temps upwards of 33 degrees (with a humidex possibly in the forties) over the next three days or so. Oh joy, oh bliss. And the damned city pools don't open full-time until next weekend. Oh, rapture. Maybe I'll head for the island.

Tomorrow A.M. after my morning coffee comes a shower, one more batch of laundry (Stuff I've needed to hold back on for the past few days so I would have clothes on my back) then I'm outta here.

Pardon the blatant cynicism but this situation blows chunks.

Graeme
'The Weary Warrior'

June 28, 2007 - The bed bug wars... the aftermath

Finally the de-critterizer arrived on Monday at about twelve-thirty, and I abandoned ship to let him do his thing. Arrived back home sometime after eight that evening. Found the following visible signs of the spraying: every light in the place had been left on (someone really needs to talk to this guy about his ecological footprint), there was an oily film on all the base boards and a lingering odor resembling a mixture of rubbing alcohol and kerosene.

Still lots of beasties doing what they do on Monday night but the activity seems to be subsiding now. (The property manager said it could take up to two weeks for the spraying to have its full effect). Meanwhile, this morning I found and destroyed what appeared to be the enemy base camp.

A large stack of papers and old magazines that had been resting on the floor near my bed until I shifted it to make room for the spraying turned out to be crawling. It was full of cast skins, bed bug poop and still some live creepy-crawlies. Marks on the floor and baseboards in the area where these papers had been sitting made the point of access fairly obvious. It seems the beasties used the paper stack as a staging area for feeding runs to my futon, then hid there during the day.

With only the quickest and most rudimentary sorting for recycling purposes the whole lot has now gone out the door triple-bagged. I don't even know for sure what was in this stack except some of it was years old. (The pack-rat habit is one I've definitely got to break). At least the garbage pickup is tonight.

If the city gives me any BS over how I'm sorting and disposing of this stuff they can go straight to hell. Ideally I would have preferred to burn the whole lot but for obvious reasons that isn't an option.

Clearly I'm going to have to endure this whole rigmarole all over again (Spraying, stacking and mega-laundry, and likely sooner than later) but hopefully because I've destroyed the staging area the next time will pay for all... so to speak.

Luckily a large percentage of my laundry is still bagged... the sweltering heat this week made more than the most basic restoration work impossible. I'd planned to get to it over the weekend when the weather cools off but now I'm having my doubts.

One bag of stuff is decidedly smelly... I must have forgotten the detergent when I ran it through the washer and since some of this stuff is down-filled... well, I'll leave the rest up to your imagination. Being in a hurry really sucks.

It was the unanticipated delay last week that will likely prove to be my undoing. I'd had to scramble to prepare for the spraying with less than two days' initial notice (and undoubtedly overlooking stuff in the process, such as not remembering to add soap to a load of wash plus missing the infestation in this stack of paper due to the haste) only to find out that it had been put off for almost a week. Bleah.

If I have to do this a third time this summer I may just choose to haul ass and leave the space to the invaders. At this stage even the street appears preferable to this BS. The way things are going the only other alternative would probably mean getting dragged out of here in straits. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take.

Graeme
'The Frustrated Bug-Hunter'

July 25, 2007 - Update On The 'Critter Crusades' - Is Victory Perhaps Nigh?

My quest for a metal futon frame has ended in success!

As for the enemy... the most recent tactics have included energetic cleaning (the most thorough I've done in years!) which among other things involved ditching the old carpeting I've had in the place for more than nineteen years. Clutter, including paper - out the door! Exeunt, dust-bunnies!

Bed bugs find it almost impossible to hide on a light cream-colored linoleum floor. I've been keeping one of my shoes close at hand for dealing with live sightings. Go ahead - make my day, Bug!

Said live sightings have become increasingly isolated as of late, with no confirmed encounters for the past three days running. Either the enemy is lying low or the numbers (for now at least) are becoming decimated.

The time is approaching for that decisive strike that will hopefully guarantee peace everlasting (or at least for the remainder of this year). I plan to arrange for a second visit by the de-critterizer guy next week. Crappy Tire has a hand-held steam cleaner in their catalogue that sells for about sixty bucks (That's next month's investment, for mop-up purposes).

I find it incredible the amount of stress that can be induced in us humans by a creature that is only about the size of a dry lentil. Maybe this type of thing should be a required learning experience for anyone considering employment in the 'mental health' field, or as a housing provider/support worker, welfare/ODSP caseworker et al, as a means of teaching a little humility? (Who knows - maybe there's a productive future for bed bugs after all!)

December 18, 2007 – Here We Go Again!

The de-critterizer guy is paying me another visit tomorrow.

This is the third time in six months my place has been reduced to total disarray in preparation for doing battle with a six-legged interloper.

At least the enemy this time isn't after my blood - but he's been getting into just about everything else in the place, leaving a hellish mess in his wake.

The enemy this time 'round is the common cockroach. Not as exotic (or as bloodthirsty) as bed bugs perhaps, but no less a pain in the nether regions for all that.

The tenants in my building have been co-habitating with these comical-looking little beasts with their long waggly antennae, cigar-shaped physical structure and zig-zaggy, lightning-quick movements for roughly the past fifteen years.

Generally the atmosphere has been one of uneasy detente, with periodic flare-ups of hostile activity. Just lately, turning on the lights at night has revealed what looks like an invading army as the interlopers scatter to every point of the compass.

My smoke detector has been sounding periodically for no apparent reason as they make their way through the thing and when I used my printer this morning a half a dozen came scampering out of the paper feed. (Did I say they were into just about everything?)

I've spent the last several hours cleaning all my kitchen cupboards of numerous corpses, empty egg cases and an ugly mess that resembles spilled black pepper but is actually a substance considerably less pleasant. UGH.......

So once again I will be abandoning ship for several hours while strangers enter my little world and bombard it with toxic chemicals. At least there's no mega-laundry to do this time 'round, but I will have to wash every dish, pot and pan in the house before returning them to the cupboards. I'm beginning to feel like a bit player in a no-budget remake of Starship Troopers.

Some Christmas present. Bah, humbug!

At least the bed bugs appear to have quit the field for keeps. There's been no live sightings since about the third week of August. Good riddance!

January 9, 2009 - The Critter Crusades (Pt. 3 - The War That Never Ends)

So, here we go yet again. Word came to me today that a vacating tenant on the floor below me left behind a massive infestation of bed bugs.

As a precaution, that entire floor is being sprayed - along with the ones immediately above and below it.

So once again it's time to break my back prepping for a legalized home invasion, complete with chemical weapons. The de-critterizer guy arrives on Tuesday the 13th. (I'm just thankful it's not Friday the 13th - I don't know if I could handle that right now).

I've been noticing a few of these carnivorous refugees in my own place again as of late, although nothing like my ordeal of June '07. My resident cockroach colony survived essentially unscathed following the December '07 spraying campaign, although recently I've been waging a moderately successful war of attrition utilizing strategically placed strips of masking tape (think flypaper, only a lot cheaper. Dollarama sells the stuff for a buck a roll).

I've also noticed a small colony of long-legged spiders (perhaps a dozen) that has established itself on the ceiling in my bathroom. These critters are peaceful and have proved to be valuable allies in keeping the roach population in check, so I'm content to leave them where they are for the time being. I just hope the upcoming spraying campaign spares them!

Oh, how I long for the good old days when a dollar's worth of garlic would solve the worst vampire problem. This new breed, for all its diminutive size, leaves Dracula and his buddies in the shade when it comes to expansionism, tenacity and sheer toughness.

Sunlight does jack-shit to a bloodsucker that sleeps its days away in the baseboard cracks and the other old standbys (crosses, wooden stakes and silver) are equally irrelevant in this situation.

Laundry and purging the ol' clothes closet will be the biggies this time. I need to harden my packrat's heart and engage in a ruthless reduction of long-unworn articles of apparel that are clogging my closet and providing ideal habitat for the beasties. (Note to myself: try to obtain a locker for those bigger items such as camping equipment that I simply cannot bear to part with).

Happy fucking New Year. Hallelujah, world without end, amen. (Note the sarcasm dripping from the latter).

January 12, 2009 - Update

Two guys in these futuristic white sci-fi biohazard suits have been working all day on the third floor, indicating the degree to which this conflict has escalated. I asked them if they were here to spirit us all away to some isolated place where we would never be seen or heard from again. (This drew a laugh).

I next said that I guess their presence in the building had something to do with bed bugs, to which they said "You guessed it!" I then said so long and wished them a good day. (I just hope whatever they are removing is going straight outside so our time isn't simply being wasted by the whole exercise).

[Addendum: There's a large dumpster in the parking lot filled with a collection of cast-off crap, presumably from the offending unit. The guys in the white coveralls have split]

My own place is in total disarray. I figure maybe another half hours' work, a shower then I'm ready to book. I'm sitting on the edge of my bed frame to write this. (with everything pushed into the middle of the apartment there's maybe a foot of space between bed and desk). Doable, but a tad hard on the back.

I'm waiting for a phone call to know if I'm able to get out of here tonight or if I will be spending an uncomfortable night in the ruins of my living space. What a goddamned mess!!

January 15, 2009 – Update

Some measure of order has been returned to my space, although I'm only partially restoring things until I know what the deal is re: a possible sequel session with the de-critterizers.

As of now, bed bug sightings have become isolated. Cockroach numbers also appear to be way down, with the stragglers for the most part acting rather drunk. Fingers crossed...

My cadre of eight-legged bathroom sentries suffered exactly one casualty. Found the poor little sod deceased on the edge of the bathtub maybe an hour ago. The rest appear to be alive and well, still dining hungrily on the roaches!

At least my forced departure on Tuesday gave me the chance to see a really good film. (The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button – highly recommended!) Thank God(dess) for Rainbow Cinema's $4 Tuesdays!

The guys were actually fairly tidy this time around – a faint oily smell and a couple of my fridge-magnets being knocked onto the floor being the only obvious evidence of their visit. (The session in December '07 left me stuck with a hell of a mess so I was just a tad nervous on that score).

March 19, 2009 - Anyone Have Any Anti-Vampire Spells To share?

I'm not talking about the supernatural guys with the capes and the fangs.

The variety plaguing me nowadays is entirely mortal (but tough as hell), has six legs, is smaller than the kernel from a sunflower seed and co-habituates in large numbers with unwilling humans. 

For all their diminutive size, these bloodthirsty beasties run rings around Dracula and his ilk when it comes to sheer tenacity.

Like the Count and his buddies, this breed was once thought to be merely a legend out of the Medieval era. "Goodnight, sleep tight, don't let the..........." as the old childhood invocation went in part - I'm sure you get the picture.

Modern chemical ‘solutions’ seem to be useless – two sprayings during the past winter apparently accomplished nothing other than pissing them off. My bed is rapidly degenerating into a bloody war zone.

Too add to the misery, the little brutes spread like the plague. I'm afraid to visit friends (or have anyone come to my home) due to the likelihood of there being uninvited passengers nestled into the cuffs of my jeans or clinging surreptitiously to the seams of my knapsack. I'm beginning to feel like Typhoid fucking Mary.

Even entering someone’s car or going to a quasi-public indoor space with upholstered seating such as a restaurant or movie theatre carries the risk of sharing this unwanted wealth. Supposedly even public transit is a vector - I read somewhere quite recently that New York City's subway system is overrun with these diminutive monsters.

They are an invasive species that seem to follow in the wake of human evils like a malevolent shadow. After first arriving on these shores with the European colonizers of Turtle Island, following WW2 they appeared to fade from human consciousness (and sleeping areas) for an extended period.

Subsequently, bans on certain chemical deterrents (not that I'm a fan of DDT - good riddance!) followed by the 21st-century onset of globalization and frequent, widespread international travel unleashed a seemingly unstoppable worldwide plague of bloodsuckers.

I guess this serves as a reminder to always maintain humility before Nature. All too often we homo sapiens believe ourselves to be superior but it is incredible how quickly a minute fellow creature can drive one to the point of stark raving insanity.

Gaia must be having a real good laugh at us dumb humans right about now. This situation is obviously one we brought about ourselves.

May 17, 2009 – Scorched Earth

The whine of a drill has been reverberating through the walls of my place for several days now as the drywall in a neighboring unit gets replaced.

Yes, it has come to this – the enemy is proving so tenacious this time ‘round that entire apartments are being gutted and reconstructed in a frantic effort to achieve that elusive final conquest.

Mine may be next.

Four (4! IV!) visits by the de-critterizer guys in as many months has had little apparent effect other than infuriating the invaders. It almost appears they are becoming immune. (Super-bugs? Oh, joy!) As well, the other ongoing work (mainly plumbing) that’s been happening since January is apparently driving the… wildlife into a frenzy (along with many of the tenants).

The futon finally succumbed last week – I had to accept in the end that it was beyond rescue. It now resides in a large dumpster parked in front of the building along with literally tons of other cast-off war detritus.

It seems before it is all over I may be forced to part company with a considerable percentage of my own personal effects in order to aid the war effort. It may even become necessary for me to be re-installed temporarily in a vacant apartment while mine literally gets ripped apart.

At this point in time I’m reduced to sleeping on an inflatable camp bed with the dismantled futon frame reclining against a nearby wall awaiting storage – (it and a lot of my other possessions).  The one consolation is this thing’s actually quite comfortable.

The thing is, there will be no storage available in the building itself until early to mid-July and I sure as shite ain’t paying out of pocket for an outside facility.  Right now my place resembles a rummage-sale barn following a particularly hectic day. Hardly aesthetically pleasing or conducive to a relaxing home life.

Stay tuned – this summer’s gonna be one for the history books.

October 15, 2009 - Do I Dare To Hope?

Ye Gods, what a summer!

The de-critterizers have been spending more time in my apartment than I have. I’ve actually considered asking them if they wanted to take over my lease.

But finally, after the most intensive chemical warfare campaign in recorded history (five solid months of bi-weekly fumigations!) the enemy seems to be in retreat.

I’ve been sleeping atop a rubber bag filled with air since May. Hopefully the time will be soon that I can return to a more permanent bed!

At least I can now actually count on waking up most mornings without looking as though I’d just come down with the measles, after having spent my nights serving as a hot buffet for the beasties. Hallelujah!

Roughly two-thirds of my personal effects now occupy some landfill in the Greater Toronto Area (or perhaps Michigan, if it ended up on a truck bound out-of-province).  At least now it is someone else’s problem.

I just hope I haven’t inadvertently exported my problems to some poor slob in Detroit or Ann Arbor who thought to amuse himself with a day of dump-picking.

My ‘spray-days’ have been occupied by long bike rides, cat-naps in city parks, window-shopping in Kensington Market, way too many cups of coffee  and long stretches of time spent in communion with my iPod.

At least the weather has been kind to me on days where I needed to vacate (no small thing, considering how cold and wet the summer was this year!) but with winter looming and likely a couple more months of this regimen to endure, I don’t know if I can count on this continuing. But that would be a Christmas present worth waiting for - finally, no uninvited houseguests! (Be they human or insect).

Once the bed bugs finally go down to defeat I guess it will be time to launch an all-out campaign against the cockroaches, which have taken full advantage of the situation to ‘go forth and multiply’ in the most literal sense. At least they don’t bite!

So much for man having dominion over Nature. The idjits who penned the Old Testament must have been smoking some potent weed when they conceived of that notion. SHEESH!! If they only knew…